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BitterAndTwisted

When we are sleep deprived everything in our lives can look bleak even when it isn't. This is the very first issue you need to concentrate on in my opinion.

Once that's under control almost all of the other things could be seen in their proper perspective.

You've got a whole lot on your plate and I suspect the combination of worries you have going on is the reason for the lack of sleep. Therefore it can feel like you're going round in circles, which you probably are. I would be, too.

Why not make a list of all the things that are presenting difficulties and grade them from 1 to 10 in importance and which ones are under your control and see how you could tackle only one thing at a time? My own feeling is that the work ones should go at the bottom of the list. Life's too bloody short to let an idiot at work have an effect on the rest of your life. Easy to say but hard to do, I know.

daska

Reading your post it sounds as if you might not have discussed the attempts you're making to get your sleep under control with him before going to bed? Sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick on that front. Perhaps you should show him the list of suggestions and ask him to help you to follow them? Hopefully he'll want to and you'll be able to draw up a timetable that works for both of you.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I am honestly trying to put this as delicately as possible.

You can't sleep because he's not there, when he is there, you can't sleep and you're stressed.


Your husband is the one with the nasty medical condition. He's the one whose medication, whilst apparently keeping him alive, has 'deprived you of a child', whose pneumothorax (ie, extreme pain, fighting for breath and requiring emergency medical treatment, plus didn't necessarily know it was a pneumo at the time, could have thought he was about to die) took your honeymoon away, whose illness needs huge travelling time and cost, who still has work, still has money worries, might not even be convinced he's going to be around for a new conservatory or honeymoon, so might not see the benefits of that money you are so keen to keep compartmentalised.

Then he has to come to bed when you want him to, gets shouted at for watching TV downstairs, gets complained at for watching TV upstairs/ruining your mood when he had no idea you were doing this new technique, decides to read instead to keep you happy by staying there when he was still awake, still gets complained at, you stomp off to the spare room, then stomp off downstairs, then basically cop a strop because he asks you to go to bed when you can't sleep.

All of which was exactly his problem when you summoned him to bed in the first place. But he hasn't said a word of this to you.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

losingpatience wrote: »

I did discuss getting into a routine with him, but maybe I should have been more clear about what it entailed, and did say to him it was just temporarily I wanted him to go along with it until I got sorted.

JoJo your comment really upset me. I have NEVER blamed him for ANY of this, his medication has deprived us BOTH of a child, not just me, and I have always said to him it isn't his fault. The reason I wrote about it on here is because I don't want him to know how upset I am about it incase he blames himself. I was the one who insisted he go to hospital when he got the chest pains, it was me that was worried about it, not him. When we had to cancel the honeymoon we were both disappointed, but again I never blamed him. I travel with him for his injections so he doesnt have to go alone, I deal with all the bills and finances for the house so he doesn't have to worry about it.

I shouted downstairs for him to turn the TV down, I could hear every word of the programme he was watching, so no I don't think I was unreasonable in asking him to turn it down. Yes I was annoyed, but with week after week of no sleep I was at breaking point.

How dare you imply that he doesnt want the same things as me incase he dies, how utterly insensitive.

Perhaps he feels that you are being a little insensitive towards him. Possibly because you are being so busy not to express anything about his illness, you're instead picking up on every single thing he could do that isn't actually directly illness related.

That's what i was trying to suggest. Not attacking you, not blaming you, but suggesting that the things that are angering you are resulting in a situation where he can't help but be in the wrong. But you have instantly responded by going on the attack. Like shouting down the stairs instead of going down and asking nicely if he could close the living room door/turn the volume down. Or just leaving him down there to be awake instead of expecting him to lie beside you in the dark whilst you sleep and he lies there wide awake. As you complain of ending up doing.



It's fine to be angry at a horrible medical condition. But it seems that you're directing that anger at everything and everyone else and shouting them down for not agreeing with you that he is totally in the wrong. Which could be depriving you of a lot of mutual support and in fact becomes a self sustaining cycle, where you are angry so you don't relax so everything someone does angers you, so you don't relax, so everything they do angers you..........


Speak to the staff at the hospital. By phone or when you next go there, as they may be able to come up with additional sources of support for you as well.

watchingthepennies_2

losingp -do still post because others have made really good suggestions and are supportive. It is difficult when someone says something that is not helpful but that happens on all the boards

I hope things improve for you, sending (((HUGS)))

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

losingpatience wrote: »

I've been debating whether or not to post anymore on here.

JoJo you said you were going to put what you said as delicately as possible, there was nothing delicate about what you said. You've made me out to be this horrible person when my husband has all these issues going on. I have been there for him through all this over the last 2.5 years, I have tried to be strong, and maybe your a stronger person than me, but theres only so much a person can take. You say im directing my anger at everyone and everything else. One time I snapped yet you've made this sweeping statement about me, who is "everyone else?"

I put on a brave face to everyone, I pretend im ok to my family as they are already worried about my grandad so I say im doing alot better and not to worry about me so I don't add to their worry. My husband says im always thinking of others and need to put myself first, so please don't assume you know me. I'm extremely fragile at the moment, and over the last 2 days hit rock bottom so to come on here, somewhere I express my feelings away from people I know as to not hurt peoples feelings, to find such a hurtful comment affected me probably far more than you would realise.

I know im not perfect, but im trying to deal with this the best I can.

But that's my point - you're taking things personally, as an attack, when they aren't. Had I said 'You're so selfish' and suchlike - which some posters on the site could have done, I would agree with you completely that it was out of order.

But I wasn't saying that. What I said was that you were angry at your OH for your being unable to sleep, when he was obviously not able to sleep himself and he could easily have a different perspective on the things that are bothering you so much, you have mentioned them in your posts.

You're tying yourself up in knots about how horrible I am for picking on you, but I gave a different point of view, that's all. Not that you were being horrible, but that you have possibly lost sight of how your behaviour could come across to the person who was on the receiving end of it.

I don't know you personally, I only know that the first time I tried making an alternative suggestion, rather than bland 'oh, poor you', but that how you have reacted to him could be unfair, you have ripped into me for picking on you. When I haven't.



Nobody is a saint. There's no such thing. You, no more than I, can be perfect all the time. And I think that, no matter how dependable, self sacrificing, and utterly perfect you may be the rest of the time, on the subject of the sleeping, you are in the wrong.


I'm not the person at work who is bothering you. I'm not your money worries, your health worries, your fears for the future or your mourning for what you hoped would happen. I'm just a random person on the internet who thinks that on this occasion, you were being unfair on your OH, and possibly, he (hence the sighing deeply) just doesn't want to tell you, maybe because, having seen everything else you tell us you do, he doesn't feel able to say it.


So I repeat again, ask for support from the hospital. You very obviously need it, and it could be very useful in conjunction with the support provided through your GP.

BugglyB

Pleased you have decided to go back to work - just remember to hold your head high and not feel bad about anything. If anyone says anything to you just take a breath and reply with something calm and detached. You deserve not to be victimised at work.

That is a lot of money to spend on Sky! I guess its down to your priorities though. Have you considered netflix or love film or something like that, or does your husband need it for the sport?

RedBern

and I needed some red wine to make beef bourguignon tonight which wasn't on my list so that accounted for £12.50 of it but don't know where the rest went

Don't buy decent wine!! I was in Waitrose and flustered looking for a bottle of wine to chuck into a beef bourguignon and saw a friend of mine who's a chef. I asked him to find me a good wine for my cooking, he looked puzzled and took me over to the spices and condiments shelf was, and there were bottles of cooking wine for £1 each for a small one. There's no duty to be paid on them so they're cheaper and are perfect!!

RedBern

losingpatience wrote: »

Sorry should have been a bit clearer, it was £12.50 for hubbys wine and the wine for the beef bouguignon, I'd never pay £12.50 for wine that I was only going to cook with!!

losingpatience wrote: »

Hubby bought a bottle of his fav wine which was £7.50 ( normally £10 ) and I needed some red wine to make beef bourguignon tonight which wasn't on my list so that accounted for £12.50

still paid £5 though!!