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Realtionship needs help!!
dagsky
Posts: 90 Forumite
Hi everyone,
Its not often that I find myself in the situation that I’m currently in and frankly I have no idea what to do about it. Having followed mse for over years and found this forum to be a wealth of knowledge and sharing, caring community I’ve turned to it for help!
At the moment I find myself in bewilderment with what’s going on in my life at the moment and I am confused about what to do.
I’m 33 and dating a 35yr old female, ex divorcee with the sweetest daughter I’ve ever met. Unfortunately the problem is that she wants to end things with me BUT it’s slightly twisted so makes things a little complicated! If I give a bit of background info then maybe things may become a little clearer….
She was brought up in a home which unfortunately was an abusive home, her father used to beat up her mother, she was the oldest and had to look after her siblings, 3 of them. The mother and father got divorced when she was around 12yrs old. The mother then remarried a second time at some later stage in time which I can remember at present.
She was married off when she was 16, forced marriage, and over the years her husband was abusive to her and it finally came to a head when she caught the bloke in their bed with another woman. She wanted him out and while on his way out beat the living daylights out her and put her in hospital for a couple of weeks, oh and he held a knife to her throat whilst at it! After the family found out about this, the mother refused to take her back into their home and opted to leave her and her young child on the street, but luckily her brother came to the rescue and took them in. All the while the mother was trying to pressure her into taking the husband back in. She held her ground and refused to have anything to do with the husband.
She then decided to make the most of her life and went on to become a barrister.
Then after many years of being single, she was introduced to a bloke by mutual friends and initially she was not interested in him, BUT through persuasion and the most deceitful lie ever, he managed to convince her to date him. This lie that he told her was what made her decide to date him, he said that he was sexually abused as a child, which later turned out to be a lie, she only found this out after the relationship ended. She tells me that this bloke was arrogant and showed no regard for others and this bloke even went so far as getting his ex wife fired from work because he was jealous she was moving on with her life!! He had a son with his ex wife and he refused to pay the tuition fees of his own son and yet he is the one that wanted the son to attend private school. When the son visits him at weekends the son can play with all the toys he has bought him BUT he is not allowed to take them back to his mothers’ house!! Anyway, she dated this guy for about 1one and a half yrs and he then proposed to her to which she accepted, then a few weeks later he sent her a txt saying he was leaving her and that he was sorry, his mother is sick and that he had personal issues!! She says that everything was going perfectly fine till she told him that she wanted to wait until they were married before sleeping with him again. After this she says everything went straight down hill.
She was pretty much devastated from the breakup and she couldn’t get over the fact that she had been dumped and more so the reason given for the breakup.
I then entered the scene about 6mths after this breakup and she was most certainly a woman scorned!! She was extremely bitter and cold and !!!!!y, and still in love with someone that only viewed her as a sexual object. Add to that, the fact the bloke use to send her stupid texts every now and again like, I’m driving passed your street, going for coffee at our old place etc etc stupid crap like that and oh yes, the calls from private number and then hanging up after a few seconds!! Bleeding heck you’d think the bloke was a teenager but he’s blooming 38 and behaving like that!
Anyway, I eventually won her over after being patient with her and listening to her and just being there for her. Now problems start occurring in our relationship unfortunately!! I’m an easy guy when it comes to relationships and I don’t like complications, I don’t like arguing! She got sick and is still sick about 6mths ago and unfortunately no one can diagnose what’s wrong with her! She seems to have developed migraines but non of the migraine tablets seem to help her, she is fatigued, exhausted and generally a miserable git when she’s feeling sick and she also pukes a lot when not well, basically her health has been suffering for the last 6mths constantly!
So problems in our relationship are when she feels pressured or stressed or I refuse to do something or if I’m not speaking to her nicely she keeps saying that we’re over and that she doesn’t love me and doesn’t need a man in her life to make her happy. To an extent I can understand that this reaction comes from her insecurities issues and she does this when she feels vulnerable. But give her 3 or 4 days and then she’s all back to being hunky dory and things resume back to normal, till 3 or 4 weeks later when she goes of the rails again. Normally when this happens I will try and txt to get her talking again.
Another problem I constantly face is her mother, she hates her mother with a passion to an extent that her mother affects her mentally and her mothers’ actions directly towards her or her siblings affect her directly and has an effect of destabilising her completely mentally and physically!! What does amaze me though, is no matter how psychologically bulling her mother is towards her, she keeps going back to her again and again and I’ve even challenged her on this and she just says, its my mother I can’t leave her, but yet she always says that’s I’m done with my mother I’m never speaking to her and then 2 weeks later they’re on talking terms again!! Now add to all this the fact that she HATES her job and wants to leave but won’t leave or is afraid to leave. She draws up contracts for big companies such as xxx and she hates doing that with a passion but she simply won’t leave even though it makes her extremely unhappy and I’m starting to think that this job is attributing to her physical and mental breakdown. I’ve tried to encourage her into doing criminal law, that’s what she loves to do, but she’s afraid to take the step back out on to a lower salary or afraid of failure.
Back to our relationship, I’ve known her for almost 1yr now in 2 weeks, dating her for about 6mths. During the period of her being sick she has cancelled numerous dates on me because she isn’t feeling well, she is tired, or just couldn’t be asked. I’ve allowed this and let it go because I know when you’re feeling sick you just want to be left alone and going out you’d be nothing but a miserable git. Though I have also noticed that she has energy to go out shopping or to her siblings and stuff and then when its time to see me she’s not up to it for one reason or another. I think in total she’s probably cancelled about 10-15times due to above reasons….. Keep in mind though I USED to see her probably 2 or 3 times a week which has now dwindled down to maybe once a week. At the moment I’ve not seen her for a month now. We live about 45min away from each other.
She says to me that she doesn’t love me, though I think in 6mths of dating, love may be pushing a bit, she does say though that she does like me…….but when she’s on the warpath she has no feelings for me apparently! What I do find amazing though is, the bloke she was about to marry, had never met the daughter because she didn’t him to meet the daughter for fear of her getting hurt and also she is protective over her daughter. However, I have met the daughter because in her own words, she feels comfortable with me meeting her and the daughter and I get on pretty well.
So if you’re still managing to follow the story, she seems to still be extremely bitter with her mother and she, in my opinion, seems to go on the defensive when she feels vulnerable. At the moment we’ve been on shaky ground for the last month and this is all down to her not getting her with me and at present, I’ve been “dumped” yet again.
Thing is I don’t know what to do with this relationship, I don’t know whether or not I continue trying to pursue it and hope that I can put to rest her fears, or do I just walk away whilst I can with a few wounds. I do pretty much like her when she’s good, but at the moment I’m a mixed bag of feelings with having had enough of being let down on numerous dates, always competing with her family for her time and attention, and always having her retreat to her bitterness when she feels the heat from anything or anyone, and to be honest I don’t say a thing when she lets me down, I just say never mind, next time, and when I do lose the plot, she tells me its over!!! Lol…….
I have and her friends have tried to tell her to get some professional help, but she won’t, she says she’s perfectly fine dealing with things on her own…….
If you’ve managed to read this far and still with it, then what do you think I should do?
Its not often that I find myself in the situation that I’m currently in and frankly I have no idea what to do about it. Having followed mse for over years and found this forum to be a wealth of knowledge and sharing, caring community I’ve turned to it for help!
At the moment I find myself in bewilderment with what’s going on in my life at the moment and I am confused about what to do.
I’m 33 and dating a 35yr old female, ex divorcee with the sweetest daughter I’ve ever met. Unfortunately the problem is that she wants to end things with me BUT it’s slightly twisted so makes things a little complicated! If I give a bit of background info then maybe things may become a little clearer….
She was brought up in a home which unfortunately was an abusive home, her father used to beat up her mother, she was the oldest and had to look after her siblings, 3 of them. The mother and father got divorced when she was around 12yrs old. The mother then remarried a second time at some later stage in time which I can remember at present.
She was married off when she was 16, forced marriage, and over the years her husband was abusive to her and it finally came to a head when she caught the bloke in their bed with another woman. She wanted him out and while on his way out beat the living daylights out her and put her in hospital for a couple of weeks, oh and he held a knife to her throat whilst at it! After the family found out about this, the mother refused to take her back into their home and opted to leave her and her young child on the street, but luckily her brother came to the rescue and took them in. All the while the mother was trying to pressure her into taking the husband back in. She held her ground and refused to have anything to do with the husband.
She then decided to make the most of her life and went on to become a barrister.
Then after many years of being single, she was introduced to a bloke by mutual friends and initially she was not interested in him, BUT through persuasion and the most deceitful lie ever, he managed to convince her to date him. This lie that he told her was what made her decide to date him, he said that he was sexually abused as a child, which later turned out to be a lie, she only found this out after the relationship ended. She tells me that this bloke was arrogant and showed no regard for others and this bloke even went so far as getting his ex wife fired from work because he was jealous she was moving on with her life!! He had a son with his ex wife and he refused to pay the tuition fees of his own son and yet he is the one that wanted the son to attend private school. When the son visits him at weekends the son can play with all the toys he has bought him BUT he is not allowed to take them back to his mothers’ house!! Anyway, she dated this guy for about 1one and a half yrs and he then proposed to her to which she accepted, then a few weeks later he sent her a txt saying he was leaving her and that he was sorry, his mother is sick and that he had personal issues!! She says that everything was going perfectly fine till she told him that she wanted to wait until they were married before sleeping with him again. After this she says everything went straight down hill.
She was pretty much devastated from the breakup and she couldn’t get over the fact that she had been dumped and more so the reason given for the breakup.
I then entered the scene about 6mths after this breakup and she was most certainly a woman scorned!! She was extremely bitter and cold and !!!!!y, and still in love with someone that only viewed her as a sexual object. Add to that, the fact the bloke use to send her stupid texts every now and again like, I’m driving passed your street, going for coffee at our old place etc etc stupid crap like that and oh yes, the calls from private number and then hanging up after a few seconds!! Bleeding heck you’d think the bloke was a teenager but he’s blooming 38 and behaving like that!
Anyway, I eventually won her over after being patient with her and listening to her and just being there for her. Now problems start occurring in our relationship unfortunately!! I’m an easy guy when it comes to relationships and I don’t like complications, I don’t like arguing! She got sick and is still sick about 6mths ago and unfortunately no one can diagnose what’s wrong with her! She seems to have developed migraines but non of the migraine tablets seem to help her, she is fatigued, exhausted and generally a miserable git when she’s feeling sick and she also pukes a lot when not well, basically her health has been suffering for the last 6mths constantly!
So problems in our relationship are when she feels pressured or stressed or I refuse to do something or if I’m not speaking to her nicely she keeps saying that we’re over and that she doesn’t love me and doesn’t need a man in her life to make her happy. To an extent I can understand that this reaction comes from her insecurities issues and she does this when she feels vulnerable. But give her 3 or 4 days and then she’s all back to being hunky dory and things resume back to normal, till 3 or 4 weeks later when she goes of the rails again. Normally when this happens I will try and txt to get her talking again.
Another problem I constantly face is her mother, she hates her mother with a passion to an extent that her mother affects her mentally and her mothers’ actions directly towards her or her siblings affect her directly and has an effect of destabilising her completely mentally and physically!! What does amaze me though, is no matter how psychologically bulling her mother is towards her, she keeps going back to her again and again and I’ve even challenged her on this and she just says, its my mother I can’t leave her, but yet she always says that’s I’m done with my mother I’m never speaking to her and then 2 weeks later they’re on talking terms again!! Now add to all this the fact that she HATES her job and wants to leave but won’t leave or is afraid to leave. She draws up contracts for big companies such as xxx and she hates doing that with a passion but she simply won’t leave even though it makes her extremely unhappy and I’m starting to think that this job is attributing to her physical and mental breakdown. I’ve tried to encourage her into doing criminal law, that’s what she loves to do, but she’s afraid to take the step back out on to a lower salary or afraid of failure.
Back to our relationship, I’ve known her for almost 1yr now in 2 weeks, dating her for about 6mths. During the period of her being sick she has cancelled numerous dates on me because she isn’t feeling well, she is tired, or just couldn’t be asked. I’ve allowed this and let it go because I know when you’re feeling sick you just want to be left alone and going out you’d be nothing but a miserable git. Though I have also noticed that she has energy to go out shopping or to her siblings and stuff and then when its time to see me she’s not up to it for one reason or another. I think in total she’s probably cancelled about 10-15times due to above reasons….. Keep in mind though I USED to see her probably 2 or 3 times a week which has now dwindled down to maybe once a week. At the moment I’ve not seen her for a month now. We live about 45min away from each other.
She says to me that she doesn’t love me, though I think in 6mths of dating, love may be pushing a bit, she does say though that she does like me…….but when she’s on the warpath she has no feelings for me apparently! What I do find amazing though is, the bloke she was about to marry, had never met the daughter because she didn’t him to meet the daughter for fear of her getting hurt and also she is protective over her daughter. However, I have met the daughter because in her own words, she feels comfortable with me meeting her and the daughter and I get on pretty well.
So if you’re still managing to follow the story, she seems to still be extremely bitter with her mother and she, in my opinion, seems to go on the defensive when she feels vulnerable. At the moment we’ve been on shaky ground for the last month and this is all down to her not getting her with me and at present, I’ve been “dumped” yet again.
Thing is I don’t know what to do with this relationship, I don’t know whether or not I continue trying to pursue it and hope that I can put to rest her fears, or do I just walk away whilst I can with a few wounds. I do pretty much like her when she’s good, but at the moment I’m a mixed bag of feelings with having had enough of being let down on numerous dates, always competing with her family for her time and attention, and always having her retreat to her bitterness when she feels the heat from anything or anyone, and to be honest I don’t say a thing when she lets me down, I just say never mind, next time, and when I do lose the plot, she tells me its over!!! Lol…….
I have and her friends have tried to tell her to get some professional help, but she won’t, she says she’s perfectly fine dealing with things on her own…….
If you’ve managed to read this far and still with it, then what do you think I should do?
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Comments
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As JoJo says.
With the proviso that if she does come back to you as if nothing happens you tell her the truth and say that without professional help you don't think it's ever going to work. Then it's up to her if she thinks you're worth it, and up to you if you realistically think there's any prospect of her changing.
Seems to me that at the moment you're her equivalent of a comfort blanket. All way too onesided.All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.
Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.0 -
i have thought about walking away and i do find it a little difficult to do that. When she is all fine, she is absoloutely lovely to be around and she really does make me extremely happy, its only when these gremlins start palying up that she changes and things go tits up! As elsien has said, i may well just be a comfort blanket to her, i don't know, but i do think that if push came to shove, she'd walk away unscathayed from this relationship in he sense that she only exposed herself just enough not to get hurt and deeply involved in it. In an ideal world, i wouldn't want to let her go without first trying to get her professional help.......0
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Wow, your partner has certainly had more than her fair share of mistreatment and hardship OP. Understandably I feel this has left her extremely damaged and vulnerable. I dont get the impression that any relationship is what she wants or really needs in her life right now. Do her a huge favour and be there as a friend and someone she can turn to for support. Attempting to continue in a relationship would only cause heartache to you both I think.Grammar: The difference between knowing your !!!!!! and knowing you're !!!!!! :cool:0
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So what exactly are you getting from this relationship? Do you enjoy trying to 'save' people from themselves and getting trampled in the process? Sorry but I think her past is a 'red herring' it's a get out clause, an excuse to behave badly and treat others worse. If she can find the determination to qualify as a barrister then she's got her head screwed on somewhere. My dad had a completely sh*t childhood and he could have gone off the rails big style but he made a decision not to use his past as the pattern to shape the rest of his life. Six months into a relationship you should be very much loved up and blissfully happy - you're not!Over futile odds
And laughed at by the gods
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game0 -
Harsh, but:
She wants to leave you. Sorry, but you don't have a right of appeal. Be the one guy who ever respected her wishes, and free her to find someone she's sure about. If you have LOADS of inner strength you might try keeping a friendship going, but I wouldn't - it's not reasonable to expect your feelings to evaporate overnight, and you'd likely end up moping and hoping and hurting even worse.
(She sounds like really hard work, anyway, and I'd bet that one day you thank your stars you had the guts to let go.)0 -
everything said above is the exact reason i posted this, to get the harsh truth. In reality no matter how mcuh effort i put into this, i simply land back up in square one. She is hard work as mentioned above, and i think soner or later i'd actually get fed up as i'm the sort of bloke that just likes calm and not all this up and down stuff! There is no way i would be a friend to her as the feelings of maybe would still remain so if i was to walk away, i'd go and not look back..... I'm not good at breakups though! I've only ever been through one before and that was like torture!! I've always been the sort of guy that only did casual relationships......as it is already i have knots and butterflies in my stomach over this!!0
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I echo all the other posters,please let her go,for good, you only live once and you need to enjoy what is left of your life and not feel the way you do.
Good luck to you and i hope you make the right decision xx.0 -
She's just not that into you.
I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear, and I am really sorry to hear about everything she's previously gone through. It sounds like she's done a great job of moving on from some sh*tty people, and maybe just isn't willing to take that risk again. Tbh, who could blame her? You may well be the loveliest bloke in the world (I'm sure you are!), but if she's not prepared to open up and take that chance then there's not really anything in this for either of you.
Sounds like it's time for both of you to move on. Best of luck with it all.0 -
This is exactly what is required.As another poster says, be the one guy ... who wants nothing from her.... There is no way i would be a friend to her as the feelings of maybe would still remain so if i was to walk away, i'd go and not look back.....Hi, we’ve had to remove your signature. If you’re not sure why please read the forum rules or email the forum team if you’re still unsure - MSE ForumTeam0
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