Worried about person who drink drove

llh189

Several years ago I was due to get married for varying reasons we broke up.

He went on to be married and have a child, but the relationship broke up after he had a partying / drug / stress breakdown. They were huge party animals I am absolutely not.

He was sectioned albeit for a very short period of time. He managed to get his life back on track, and found his career again as a solicitor. He and his wife had a clean break settlement but he is not able to see his child, which he consented too!

I am now pretty sure I do not know the entire story but eventually lots of people with mental health issues get well. So I guess I thought he was well!

Fast forward to now, he and I re-established a friendship although in it's very early stages. We were not under any circumstance getting back together, we both new this and I was trying to be a friend to him, as I felt he needed some friendly support.

Last week he seemed to have a terrible week at work - fell out with a judge, I text on friday trying to cheer him up about it being the weekend and relaxing etc. I got a very miserable text back from him about the weekend, he lives in a shared house, no TV etc and that his weekend was going to be him getting drunk alone as he'd been let down by a friend, that his life was !!!!!! and not worth a lot!

Friday evening I felt incredibly sorry for him and said he could come to my house on Saturday, a change of scene might do him some good, but I was having a relaxed PJ's / takeaway, non boozy night in front of the telly and probably an early night, stressed these things and made up the spare room for him!

He got here yesterday afternoon and seemed fine, chatty and happy. At 5pm he opened some wine, I had half a glass, by 6.30 he was on his second bottle and by 8 pm had opened a bottle of champagne. His started to talk about the separation and breakdown and was very angry and I was a little scared to be honest. At 9 pm I went to bed, put a chair up against my door and left him to it, I did ask him not to drink anymore, I got told of for nagging, it's Saturday night for f'ing sake!

I heard him moving around all night so he obviously had no sleep. I went down at 6.30 to find him awake and still very drunk.

I had told him last night several times that I had plans for today and then he needed to leave by 10 am. We fell out about the state he was in and again I was incredibly uncomfortable and worried about what he might do. My plans were not a surprise and I had told him before he was drunk about them and kept referencing them.

I rang a local hotel and told him that I would drive him there so he could sleep it off - he didn't want that, I said that I would pay if it was a money issue.

I offered to collect his brother from an hour away to drive him home and then give him money so he could get the train home - again no!

He then said he'd sleep it off in his car like he had done lots of times, I offered him a blanket, which he turned down.

He excused of engineering this situation, about not telling him about my plans for today and that causing a row just for the sake of it. He also started to be insulting and swearing at me. He stomped off to his car.

When I left he was curled up, seemingly asleep on the back seat of his car.

I went out but text him saying I was sorry that the night ended the way it did but was glad he was going to sleep it off. I got a saying it was f'ing freezing and that he had left and that if he killed someone or himself it would be my fault. I rushed home to find he had gone.

I don't know exactly where he lives only just it is somewhere nearly two hours from me or the make model of his car!

I had two more very nasty text messages saying things like I am scummy, that this was a revenge attack by me for our break up 11 years ago and I will get what is coming to me - since midday I haven't heard anything.

I have tried his mobile, hiding my number and not, it rings and rings and then goes to voicemail and I have text but no replies and I am scarred about what might have happened, to him and to others.

it is now obvious to me that overnight he drank more alcohol and hide the empties, and to be honest I was too scarred to leave him in my home, with or without me being here and he promised that he wouldn't drive, given he knew he'd be endangering himself, others and if pulled over would lose he job and licence, and accused me of being stupid and making out that he was stupid - although his language was more fragrant than that, if I thought for one minute that he would drive.

I don't know what to do now and I am scarred about any reprisal he might enact on me if he gets in to trouble and I am of course wracked with worry about him hurting himself and more than that others!

I feel I can't call the police and wouldn't know who to actually call as there of four counties between where I live and he does.

I did think of mystery calling his work tomorrow to see if he is in, if he is all is obviously OK. My mum thinks that he is not returning my calls etc to freak me out.

Having not spent much time with him one to one, I was totally unaware of his state of mind and it now seems obvious that he is not as fully recovered as I suspected, I was also unaware about his current relationship with drink!

If he has been arrested would the police turn his phone off? I can't barely think what he might to do me if he has been.

blossomhill_2

Sadly I think you should just walk away, this will end in tears and it would be better for them not to be yours

Lotus-eater

Bloody right keep away from him, ban his number if possible and certainly don't answer any calls or txts.

Keep any you get as evidence that may be needed to be shown to the police if he starts harassing you. But I don't think he will, he lives too far away and he will sober up eventually.

You're not his keeper and were no way at fault.

llh189

I now have rung Beds Police, and Herts Police, luckily or not depending on how you see it he has not been arrested.

Hanging_by_a_thread

You sound terrifed. No-one should make another person live in fear like you are right now.

I feel what is worrying you most is any reprisals he may inflict on you if he has been arrested. Frankly he is a grown man, holding down an important job, who has a severe drink problem.

You kindly invited him, as a friend, to your home so as his weekend would be more bearable. You were showing concern. He was fully aware that you planned a quiet, calm evening together and could not be around today.

He was rude and abusive to you when all you tried to do was show him care and hospitality. He made you feel unsafe in your own home. He may have seen your concern about not getting home by himself as nagging, but you spoke sense. If he has then chosen to drive whilst heavily under the influence of alcohol, then any resulting consequences are down to him and him alone. There is nothing for him to come back on you with.

Personally I think this man can only bring you misery, anxiety and fear. He has problems that are far to big to be handled by yourself. It comes across clearly to me that he needs professional help to address the many issues he has. I think you would be extremely wise to walk away. My blood ran cold when I read that he has said if he killed someone or himself it would be your fault. The man is taking no responsibility for his or others lives and is behaving totally recklessly. This thread has really upset me because I lost a dear friend to a drink driver. Walk away and feel no guilt whatsoever.

toocleverbyhalf

Why are you scared? Any reprisals are worse for him than you, but you get to keep your integrity and maybe even avoid a death on the road by keeping him off it if he's drunk.

I've been down this road many times with my ex OH & I told the police. He is now in jail for drinking & driving (not from my call to the police) because he thought he could get away with it. He got caught by the law of averages and thank god nobody was hurt.
Ask yourself why he has no contact with his child, an acrimonious split from his ex, and living in a shared house despite having a good job. Then run, and don't look back, you deserve more. You sound like a nice person who has tried to be a friend, but his problem are not yours.
Lots of luck.

BitterAndTwisted

There's absolutely no point in taking to heart what anyone says when they've been boozing all night and had no sleep. He may have had some undisclosed agenda for agreeing to come over but it sounds like you didn't have one other than wanting be friendly. None of this is your fault and it sounds like there's not anything you can do for him. Block his number and get on with your life.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

If we're all lucky, he's dead in a ditch somewhere. And it would be his fault.


Block the number. Have nothing more to do with this abusive addict. Call the police if he ever darkens your door again.

And count finding out his true nature as lucky escape v2.0.

llh189

Thank you all for your kind words.

I have also rung both A and E's in Bromley where he lives but can't get through to Bromley custody. I guess I have done as much as I can for tonight at least.

I guess by nature I am naturally fearful of confrontation and I guess that is why he scares me and that he is not the person I knew, he was also fairly manic last night, chain smoking, so was in and out from the garden, couldn't seem to concentrate on the TV, kept repeating himself. I am not sure if he lost his job how he would deal with that, I suspect by harassing me, turning up at my home and causing trouble. He also has some very unsavoury family - a brother of which I never got on with!


If I do hear from him in the next couple of days I have no quarms about changing my number. If the outcome of days antics is OK and he does harass me I also wouldn't have a problem threatening ( even if I would be unlikely to go through with it ) to tell his senior partner about his mental health issues as I know that he has not disclosed it. Whilst even writing that down sounds terrible and I doubt it would get that far I would hope the threat would be enough to make him wake up and see the sense in leaving me alone.

I still after all of this still feel sorry for him, he is simply not the person that I once loved and whilst some of it is his making I do feel he has been dealt an unkind hand in life. Today is obviously totally his fault and any outcome is also his fault, I have to stay the both Beds and Herts Police were really good when I phoned them.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Oh !!!!. He lives within driving distance of me.

meritaten

I will probably get flamed for this - but, hun, you were nice and supportive to your ex - he may have read into it that you were still in love with him. when you made it clear you werent - he got very upset and !!!!!!ed off.
Why were you so nice to him? if you werent interested in him then you should have left him alone - and to take him home with you - clearly expecting him to sleep alone....how naive are you????????????