Advice - Help marriage breakdown

Caroline_a

Financially your child costs seem astronomical - I'm sure you could employ a top level nanny for that amount!

Your husband will need to pay you child support for the children if you separate, and there are places you can estimate what level of support you will get. You should be allowed to remain in the house until the children are school leaving age, but there would be no help per se with the mortgage but you might get help with council tax. You should also get tax credits, depending on how much you are earning.

clearingout

Please don't let this man push everything onto you - no marriage is perfect, we all do and say things that are sometimes unacceptable, but not everything is your fault. My ex still (and we split over 3 years ago) will go on about my 'unacceptable behaviour' whenever something doesn't suit him and usually exactly when his own behaviour deteriorates to what any normal person would consider unacceptable. I have lost count of the number of times I have been told 'everyone' thinks I'm a dreadful person, dreadful mother, not coping, abusive, violent, angry and that the same 'everyone' talks about me behind my back, doesn't want to talk to me, won't talk to me. It's bollox. Total and utter bollox. I know who my friends are, I know who I can trust, I know there are people in our lives who have loyalties to both of us and who struggle to understand what may/may not have happened - I let these people go from my life, deliberately, because it was too difficult to manage. I have made many new friends and now enjoy life, however difficult it is being a single mum.

Anyway, money wise you'll be fine. I had an overdraft, school fees, I was pregnant and had one day a week's work coming in and was left high and dry by the ex financially. I have managed. I manage on less than a quarter of what I did when married and whilst there is no spare money and I define 'need' very differently to how I defined it 3 years ago, we are OK and have what we need. You don't have to put up with that rubbish in your life - it will always be there 'cos you have children with him, but you can keep him at arm's length and you can lessen the impact on both you and your children in that way.

Google 'projection' from a counselling perspective, as well as 'gaslighting' as you will find the definitions/descriptions of behaviour useful and will help you come to terms with it not being your fault. There is a 'bullying in the workplace' website which has some very useful profile descriptors which really helped me put my ex in perspective. Also, try https://www.wikivorce.com for help on all aspects of separation and divorce. Good luck!