Advice - Help marriage breakdown

confusedroast

Hello there
I usually use this site for bargains but here I am needing advice and to sound out whats happening personally
Been married husband 6 years, two daughters, one toddler and one 9 month old
Husband has alays had a bit of a temper but its always been me that has made amends or just tried to get on with life.
I lost my dad two months ago and a couple of days after we buried him my husband was being narky with me. I askefd him a simple question and he lost it screaming and shouting at me and ended up with him calling me a f**ing !!!!!!/!!!!! saying I should be over my dad now he had lost his dad too (his dad is still alive but he doesnt talk to him cos his dad cheated on his mum) and I made him lose it as I always do
We havent spoken for 5 days. I asked him to leave the house and he didnt and then a few days later he emaield me to say he was leaving he house for the week to stay with our friends. My aggression had made him call me names and everytime I push him thats whats going to happen until I learn!!!
Now I have had enough I have told him its over, he wont apologise, we have tried counseling as he has done some sex texts to women in the past, he walked out on our second counselling session as he lost his temper
I met with old friends today who I havent seen for months and months and I broke down and told them what was happening. They asked me if I love him....I dont think I do anymore. I just want him to leave me alone now. I don want to get divorced and I dont want to be on my own with my girls BUT I CANT carry on like this anymore. Treading on eg shells. I dont see him during the week and at weekend he barely talks to me. Yet he swears blind he loves me!! He told me everyday when we first got together, he never says it now. He says he wants to save the marriage. I cant see how we can:(

nearlyrich

This is emotional abuse, make the separation permanent he is a bully and you don't deserve to be treated badly.

Errata

If he wants to save his marriage he has to start behaving like a civilised, mature adult and father of two. That may be beyond him if he prefers to lash out verbally first and ask questions later.

confusedroast

I dont know what to do though as he puts the money for mortgage and bills in my account every month. Me and the girls survive on my overdraft. He doesnt give me any money for me or them. I am £3k overdrawn. I have looked into going back to work full time but I woul dneed to be on my own wage of over £50K in order to pay the £2200 a month childcare costs.
We have a mortgage, I put £120K of my money from selling my property into it so its only a £80k mortgage. I get £70 a week child benefit and tax credits. What would I do? Would I be able to get help with the mortgage and bills??

confusedroast

205 views and two replies?
Thanks guys

CH27

Look at the Tax Credits website & work out what you would be entitled to with just your wage.

Go & see a family law solicitor ASAP & find out exactly where you stand.

Your childcare bill is very big. Are there no cheaper options?

Memory_Girl

Sunday nights are always a bit quiet -the day shift should be on soon to give you a hand.

I can't comment on your husband as I am a single Mum, but If/when you separate you will be entitled to more benefits.

Check here:
http://www.turn2us.org.uk/?gclid=CILGi7HZ5a0CFSgntAodazkIVQ

Enter just your income and it will give you an idea of the help you will be able to access until you get back on your feet.

At the moment I am debt free after two years (paid off 10k - one of those years on benefits) and me and my two boys live very nicely on slightly over £800 per month ............ ! am even overpaying my mortgage. It takes masses of organisation but it can be done.

Remember if you split you will more than likely be able to stay in the house until the youngest leaves full-time education and through the CSA you will receive 20% of husbands take-home as maintenance for he kids.

You have many more choices than you think - it's time to make a plan

MG

CRANKY40

Tax credits will give you some money towards nursery costs, although at that price a childminder or a nanny (maybe even a nanny share) would be cheaper. Don't let him twist it and make it all your fault.

flutterby_lil

confusedroast wrote: »

205 views and two replies?
Thanks guys

Maybe nobody has the answers, thats why they haven't replied.

You are now asking about benefits, post the questions on the benefits board for more help.

I have no answers apart from leave the abusive bully - you already know that so I haven't really helped you. You said he says he wants to save the marriage, when has he said that? If he is telling you he is gonna keep walking out then he is really showing he wants to save the marriage - put the kiddies and yourself first and leave. You will get some help, JSA if you are looking for a job but not sure about contribution based, income based etc as never had to claim it so i just don't know. You would also get council tax help if single I would suspect but again I don't know.

Also, how come your childcare is over £500 per week? Surely that is wrong - even if you get help with that the max per week you can claim is about £200 i think (could be wrong but about that figure). A full time place at the most expensive nursery in my area for a baby is £178.........and a toddler £145. Where do you live, and who looks after them?!?

Good luck.

**curlywurly**

Confusedroast
What a terrible time you've been through, I am so sorry for the loss of your father. You are still grieving, and you need time and tranquility, not bullying and aggression!

If it were me, I would be considering very carefully the future of your relationship. You loved him once, and maybe if he is willing to make some changes, you could love him again. People do change. I think you need to ask yourself if he is going to / is he capable of change? And if he does, could you fall back in love with him?

I think the way forward depends on the answers to these questions. If the answer is YES, then you need The Big Talk with him, lay your position on the line and suggest some solutions - more counselling? (Perhaps a different counsellor - they are all very different). Time apart so you can each have a breather?

If the answer is NO then of course you have a large mountain to climb. But I do think the size of that mountain should not frighten you if you are confident that that's what you want. Yes, it will be difficult, there will be tears, there will be money issues, but it can be done and if that's what it takes to bring peace into your life and your children's life, then that's what you must do.

BTW as an aside - childcare costs of £2200? Did I read that right? I must be out of touch!

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. I know not many people have commented versus the number of views, but trust me it is likely that the vast majority of those people who read your post would, if they could, give you a big hug.

Miss_Havisham

confusedroast wrote: »

Hello there
I usually use this site for bargains but here I am needing advice and to sound out whats happening personally
Been married husband 6 years, two daughters, one toddler and one 9 month old

Just to clarify, which might explain the high childcare costs. Do you have 4 children i.e. 2 girls, one toddler and one baby, or two - i.e. the toddler and the baby ?

I have read your post but can't offer any practical info on the money/legal side of things, sorry.

It does sound though that your husband will never change his ways until he really wants to, gets help and sticks with it. Only you and he know how likely this would be. Personally I would be thinking very hard about staying with him but I know you are in a difficult position.

One thing that would concern me is that you put quite a chunk of your own money into buying the marital home which presumably is in both your names. I've no idea how this would pan out if you were to sell the house ?

Sorry not to be of more help. I do hope you can work through this horrible situation safely and get to a more peaceful life. Do you have family nearby that could support you (emotionally/practically).

Miss H