Fed up

Crisp_£_note

I really just dont know what to do or think anymore.

My Mam has been staying with us (hubby and I) all over Christmas and New year, she was here a month (22 Dec - 19th Jan) and has returned back to Wales in the past few days.

A few weeks ago I decided that next weekend as hubby isnt working (he had to work today) we should spend some time together alone just him and me as its been a while since we had a chance. I asked / reminded him yesterday to not arrange anything between the Friday lunchtime when he finished work to the Monday morning when he returned. All he could say in a huffy way was "if I have to, as it keeps you happy yes!".

Then a bit earlier today he came to me and said he was "just going into our garage to get the bits he needs to service his van ready as he now has to do it tomorrow as he isnt allowed to do anything next weekend as I want him to take it off so we can be together!" he wasnt very happy and stormed off in a huff again. I dont suppose I helped when I shouted "it takes 2 to work at a relationship" as he walked away.

He doesnt seem to realise or maybe he just doesnt care how it makes me feel. We seem to be the only couple on the planet who cant spend time together, we hardly ever go out anywhere, he never takes me anywhere for a nice dinner, cinema, evening out, walk along the beach, a romantic last minute weekend in a cheap hotel etc.If I suggest it I get the same response. When we do its because he wants to do it / go there (usualy as his mates are there), or his mother pays (so I get a day out in the summer or for valentines day, anniversary, birthday etc) or I have to fork out for the day. If he gets me a present its something stupid which I wouldnt want ever (last one was a quad motorbike as he thought I could learn to drive it and it would get me out and about, its a non starter and needs loads of work and he paid for this !!!!) . He doesnt buy me any little surprise gifts etc. We have been married over 11 years now and it seems most of that time its been a 1 way effort. Infact he is usualy on his laptop infront of the tv and I am on mine in the conservatry (if not next to him on the sofa), he just doesnt want to sit and watch tv with me cuddled up on the sofa or an early night with the tv in the bedroom even!

We dont have children, just 2 dogs which MIL is always happy to have for a few nights or pop in to feed and let out for a day.

He is self employed and always claims he never has any money spare, but I know he has, I cant say he is rolling in it but I know he has enough to throw away every now and then as he gets himself all sorts of stupid stuff which usualy doesnt work and sits in the garage waiting to be repaired and sold on.

Sorry to moan but I really feel down now and dont know what to do or say. We havent spoken since before dinner. Am wondering weather to sleep in the spare bedroom tonight!

He just doesnt get it.

Thanks

whitewing

I think it can be very easy to focus on what he doesn't do. My DH is the same, sometimes, we have a toddler and on a rare moment alone he can seem really unenthusiastic to make an effort for romance. But he does loads for us in other ways that shows he cares and loves us all.

Crisp_£_note

Dont get me wrong its not that I dont appreciate what he does do, I certainly do and always make him aware of it but again he never bothers for me just expects it!

Armchair23

Excuse me, but you've had your Mum staying for bloomin ages, I'm not surprised he's got the hump, what if he wanted to spend some nice time with you during that period.
Your choice obviously on how you choose to feel about this but if I'd had my mother in law here for a month I can tell you I wouldn't be a happy bunny.

Crisp_£_note

Armchair23 wrote: »

Excuse me, but you've had your Mum staying for bloomin ages, I'm not surprised he's got the hump, what if he wanted to spend some nice time with you during that period.
Your choice obviously on how you choose to feel about this but if I'd had my mother in law here for a month I can tell you I wouldn't be a happy bunny.

:eek: Well actualy I did consult him first and he was happy about it and knew exactly how long she was staying, infact we discussed it since October so he had plenty of time to speak up! In respect of pricacy its 'our house' so he knows he can do what he wants visitors or not.

He never got the hump infact he was hardly here as he had to help his own mum with a DIY project for 3 1/2 weeks out of the 4 as she asked him to (not because he wanted to) so we didnt get any time together if he wanted it. He only had to say and I would have found a solution. Infact my Mam spent a lot of her time here in her bedroom out of the way, so there was opportunity for hubby to be with me, again he just didnt want to bother and spent the evenings he was here next door with his mate repairing his mates motorcycle again.

On the other hand I have to put up with MY MIL almost every day of the year as she lives just around the corner. Luckily we get on well and can tollerate each other.

Hubby wont even take me to Wales to visit my family (free break), I have to catch the train costing more than a tank of petrol for the return journey!

Infact it was because hubby could not live too far away from his mum we ended up living here and I have had to put up with it despite longing to live closer to my family in Wales. But this is all beside the point.

My mam is 72 and quite vulnerable. Yet strong willed and I couldnt say no to her or shorten her stay for various reasons. Ok I did have a moan at one point about it being a month myself but after seeing how frail my Mam actualy is now I wouldnt ever moan again and she can come live with us anytime as hubby said so!

Quick answer ~ even I had no choice myself and we arnt the ones to change the way we live when we have visitors !

*max*

Crisp_£_note wrote: »

A few weeks ago I decided that next weekend as hubby isnt working (he had to work today) we should spend some time together alone just him and me as its been a while since we had a chance. I asked / reminded him yesterday to not arrange anything between the Friday lunchtime when he finished work to the Monday morning when he returned.

The bold bit is what struck me. It doesn't look like you gave him any choice, or even consulted him on the matter. I would have got the humps too if I were him.

I think you have a communication problem, which is common after such a long time together. You need to discuss these things with him, rather than make a unilateral decision involving both of you.

As for the little gifts, thoughtful gestures you say he's not doing, same thing! Have you really told him about it, let him know how you feel? It's all too easy to get frustrated and angry when someone doesn't do what you expect or would like them to do. But rather than just sulking, or getting mad at him, maybe you should be assertive, use positive language. For example, instead of "I can't believe you got me this when you very well know I will never use it!", you could say "I'm touched you thought about me, that was very kind of you. However, this isn't quite my taste, I don't think I will use it really and it would be a waste - would you mind if we went and chose something else together?" (in the case of a wildly inappropriate gift).

If you would like him to be more thoughtful and spontaneous, you have to tell him. Give him an idea of what you would like to do, without recriminating. Keep talking about it until he gets the hint, basically!

charlieann

My first thought was the same as Armchair23's respond.
You mention you decided to spend the weekend together, was your OH consulted or just informed?
If you haven't spoken since dinner maybe you need to sit him down and have a conversation, what your not happy with and what is bothering him.

When I have time off work I need a few hours/days of doing nothing or my own hobbies to unwind before plans with OH. I wouldn't be too happy to be told that I could not organise anything for the whole of my time off. Maybe come up with a list of three things you would like to do (e.g. meal out, cinema trip, etc) and ask him to choose one and set aside time for this during his time off.

As for the gift buying, my OH is also not too great at this. He asks me what I want, I tell him and even show him some examples of what I like, for him then to go out and get something the opposite. He did this recently wwhen I asked for a new watch, but not for him to spend a lot on it as I would use it for work. I showed him simple silver coloured ones and ended up with a bright pink one. I haven't the heart to tell him I'm not too fond of it as he put in the effort to find something he thought I liked.

Hanging_by_a_thread

I got to the end of your post and then I read your 'signature'. Very wise words you have written there. I think you need to apply it to your relationship, otherwise things are not going to improve and you will always feel this way OP.

It comes across strongly that you are both desperately unhappy. I think most people would be in a marriage where there appears to be so little interaction and partnership.

If I were you I would try some very straight talking, remain as calm as you can and decide to really listen to each other. Unless this is addressed then more and more resentment of each other could set in. By that point any hope of getting your marriage back on track could be lost completely.

Crisp_£_note

*max* wrote: »

The bold bit is what struck me. It doesn't look like you gave him any choice, or even consulted him on the matter. I would have got the humps too if I were him.

I think you have a communication problem, which is common after such a long time together. You need to discuss these things with him, rather than make a unilateral decision involving both of you.

As for the little gifts, thoughtful gestures you say he's not doing, same thing! Have you really told him about it, let him know how you feel? It's all too easy to get frustrated and angry when someone doesn't do what you expect or would like them to do. But rather than just sulking, or getting mad at him, maybe you should be assertive, use positive language. For example, instead of "I can't believe you got me this when you very well know I will never use it!", you could say "I'm touched you thought about me, that was very kind of you. However, this isn't quite my taste, I don't think I will use it really and it would be a waste - would you mind if we went and chose something else together?" (in the case of a wildly inappropriate gift).

If you would like him to be more thoughtful and spontaneous, you have to tell him. Give him an idea of what you would like to do, without recriminating. Keep talking about it until he gets the hint, basically!

Yes your right. I assumed he would appreciate it though after my Mam had been here a month, so I am in the wrong, thankfully I didnt book anywhere yet so dont have to cancel.

As for the hints I spoke to him several times last year and asked him if he thought it would be nice to treat each other once in a while, even if its a cheap surprise novelty gift in the post, of course he agreed and has received several but all his parcels are bits for his bike!

With reference to the 'inapropriate gift' eg the quadbike, he took me to see it before he bought it, got me to sit on it to make sure it was 'my size' asked me what I thought and I did say quite clearly "its a nice thought and I appreciate the gesture yet its just not me and very impracticle - I couldnt exactly do a supermarket shop or turn up to church on it could I?? Why dont you save your money and we can find a monkeybike I honestly dont mind waiting" We chuckeled about the vision together but he bought it anyway!!

I often hint, ask, request, offer, suggest outings both local and to other places, places he would like and places I would like and even places we could enjoy together, I have asked him to suggest some places if he wants but I give up. We dont get the picnic or the day out.

*max*

In that case, I would have just said "Seriously, I DON'T want it, DO NOT buy it for me. I'm serious." No more hinting at that stage!

As for the outings, well. I think you should ask him to "book" 3/4 hours in his schedule next time you're both off, and that you will do something together. Let him know EXACTLY what you are going to do (that you both agreed you like), where and when. As the date approaches, remind him of it. Nothing vague or incertain, have a set plan.

I think the whole "keep your entire time off free" might have got his back up (it would for me!). But if it's only a few hours, he may be more willing to make the effort, especially if you have both agreed on what you would like to do.

CrazyRed

Armchair23 wrote: »

Excuse me, but you've had your Mum staying for bloomin ages, I'm not surprised he's got the hump, what if he wanted to spend some nice time with you during that period.
Your choice obviously on how you choose to feel about this but if I'd had my mother in law here for a month I can tell you I wouldn't be a happy bunny.

If he lasted a month, I'd take my hat off to him. I wouldn't get past two days before moving out to the shed.:D