Inlaws moving to live near us - how to manage for the best?

Errata

Piece of cake, the moment either of them steps out of line you read them the riot act and lay down the law. If they do it again, clearly spell out to them what the consequences will be if they do it a third time. Up to you what those might be, but they wouldn't see me for dust nor would they ever again set foot over my threshold.
They can then chose to behave themselves in a civilised manner or face the consequences of their behaviour.

margaretclare

He 'also' has faecal incontinence? Why? This isn't normal! It's my understanding that, even if dementia of some kind is starting, incontinence only happens fairly late in the disease, and urinary incontinence would develop before faecal.

There has to be a reason for this. It's completely apart from other unpleasant aspects and unrelated to his personality.

My point about 'some folk not being joiners' seems to apply to both your in-laws. They could join other clubs or societies where they live, but do not. They are therefore unlikely to join any when they move. There is plenty out there to get interested in, but some people just do not.

Newly_retired

When we move I would expect it to be a large village or small town with an eye to the future when we possibly cannot drive, so that there is easy access( on foot or motorised scooter or bus or short taxi journey) to doctors, pharmacy, essential local shops etc. Does your village have these? If not, the elderly parents could become very dependent on you in the future.

lostinrates

Mayflower, I am facing very similar, right down to the busy village community in Wiltshire!

The difference is they are my parents and that they are separating. One wants to move in with us....after some bickering they have agreed between them which this is to be, and one nearby. We have suggested slightly different to a mile radius, but rather proposed some places it would be convenient for me to go becUse of errands or shops etc. by this measure, in one direction eight miles would be a push. In the other twenty would be ok...but better if it were closer on the route. That way I can get there in an emergency but not feel that the non resident p is on my toes. I am also keen this place should be somewhere with a train station....which li it's the search a bit. That way non resident p is not asking me to run them to transport often, and think access to decent shopping in foot, and a good gp is a must. Depending where in wilts you are consider hospitals. It didn't even occurs to me when we bought how far we are from an a and ear a big hospital ...more an issue for me than my parents thank goodness. Resident to be parent has been signed up at the library and trying to interest that one in activities not in the village but in nearby bigger communities where they too will feel less...suffocated by us, forming there own circle.

Good luck!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

What happens if MIL dies? You get the most detestable, abusive man living just down the road from you with nobody else to abuse in order to brighten up his day. But you're close, so you'll do.


If any of my exes' fathers had even touched me without my consent, they'd have to add 'permanently disabled due to every finger having been broken during their carrying out a physical assault on an unrelated female', though.

heretolearn_2

I'd worry about a small village having the right facilities for them as they get older. Does it have a shop.post office, cashpoint, doctors surgery, library etc on their doorstep and good buses for when they stop driving? Otherwise you'll end up running them around all over the place. Which is ok if you love their company, but if not...

A local small town might be better for them. Close enough but far enough to protect you from any fallout from FILs behaviour.

I also wondered about early dementia if it is getting worse, and no, the doctor may not be picking that up at all, especially if he 'behaves' for the doctor! And some doctors seem to have very fixed ideas of what a dementia patient is like and dismiss any concerns if you aren't like that.

margaretclare

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

What happens if MIL dies? You get the most detestable, abusive man living just down the road from you with nobody else to abuse in order to brighten up his day. But you're close, so you'll do.


If any of my exes' fathers had even touched me without my consent, they'd have to add 'permanently disabled due to every finger having been broken during their carrying out a physical assault on an unrelated female', though.

Love this. Same here - although I haven't had an 'ex'.

Villages are very different. The village I grew up in now only has a bus about 3 days a week and the shop, post office etc are now closed. There's a pub at one end, a church at the other and that's about all.

The village we stayed in this last weekend seemed completely different though. There's a lot going on there and there's a PO/general store, a lovely pub, 2 churches. So when saying 'village' you can't always tell.

Mayflower10cat

We're lucky to have a decent bus service to the nearby town and beyond. And we have a well stocked shop and post office, Pub, school, Church and village hall a mile away. Very good, modern health centre just over four miles away but also on the bus route. At the moment they live a mile outside their town centre but they drive everywhere rather than walking due to MiL's COPD and FiL's arthritis, so being less than 100yrds away from a shop would be an improvement! Mobile library comes weekly, too. The nearest big hospital is 15 miles away from us, but again, where they live now they're more than half an hours drive away.

I was only made aware of the incontinence this weekend - apparently it has been occurring quite often but goodness knows how on earth any of us would get him to talk about it or mention it to his GP. I will start working on MiL but she'll have to be very brave to broach the subject directly with him. She just sort of brushed it off as being 'just 'one of those things' about getting old...... Hmmmm.

margaretclare

Mayflower10cat wrote: »

We're lucky to have a decent bus service to the nearby town and beyond. And we have a well stocked shop and post office, Pub, school, Church and village hall a mile away. Very good, modern health centre just over four miles away but also on the bus route. At the moment they live a mile outside their town centre but they drive everywhere rather than walking due to MiL's COPD and FiL's arthritis, so being less than 100yrds away from a shop would be an improvement! Mobile library comes weekly, too. The nearest big hospital is 15 miles away from us, but again, where they live now they're more than half an hours drive away.

I was only made aware of the incontinence this weekend - apparently it has been occurring quite often but goodness knows how on earth any of us would get him to talk about it or mention it to his GP. I will start working on MiL but she'll have to be very brave to broach the subject directly with him. She just sort of brushed it off as being 'just 'one of those things' about getting old...... Hmmmm.

No, it is absolutely NOT just one of those things about getting old!!! Heaven forbid!

There has got to be a reason for it and it should be investigated with a view to treatment.

PS: You describe them as 'elderly'. I never quite know how different people define this term, but for instance, DH and I are in our mid-70s and we don't yet think we're 'elderly', although maybe others do. And we don't think of anything as being 'just one of those things about getting old'.

Thinking back to my nursing career, I've heard of something called obstruction-with-overflow, a distressing condition consisting of blockage in the bowel which results in incontinence of liquid faecal material - if you have a blockage it's all gotta go somewhere as any plumber will tell you. Definitely not 'just one of those things'!

Mojisola

Mayflower10cat wrote: »

I was only made aware of the incontinence this weekend - apparently it has been occurring quite often but goodness knows how on earth any of us would get him to talk about it or mention it to his GP. I will start working on MiL but she'll have to be very brave to broach the subject directly with him. She just sort of brushed it off as being 'just 'one of those things' about getting old...... Hmmmm.

Bearing this in mind, do direct them to houses with wooden floors rather than carpets. It can be really difficult to get the smell out of carpets, especially if the accidents are regular.

I, too, think it needs investigation by the GP but how you'll get your FIL to accept that is a different matter.