12yo son wants to live with dad - what type of custody do I go for

Gabriel-Ernest

If his finances are so weak that he's only paying you £5/week, how is he going to afford to pay for a child living with him for more of the time? How much child maintenance is he going to expect you to pay?

beanielou

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ good question.
Take care OP

hobo28

From a legal perspective I don't see any benefit in signing any residence order. Bossy is correct in that the courts won't go against what the son wants anyway at his age.

Gabriel's question is in my mind the most important to resolve. The finances.

I really don't see the benefit for him either. If he has PR then thats sufficient. Court orders are only for those who cannot agree. If you can then its just a waste of money and the courts time.

me4bargains

Thanks for you help. I have decided I wont be signing nowt.
I believe he has £ signs in his eyes too, so I shall sign my son's CB over to him but that is it.
he is self employed so 'cooked the books', however i am slaried, could the CSA come down on me?

sarymclary

thesaint wrote:

If the father wants this in writing, I do not see what is wrong with it.
If a woman wanted these assurances, I think that the tone of this thread would be very different.

When men have residency(not custody) awarded to them it is called into question by the authorities that they deal with. They often have to provide proof of what they are legitamately entitled to. If your son's father wants to apply for Child tax credits etc, he will need proof to do so. He would be entitled to these benefits, just as you are.

Since he had to take you to court for something he already had



He is covering his back. You don't have to sign anything, but why should he live under this unstability?

If you are both in agreement, I beleive that you don't need to go through a protracted court case. If things don't work out, you have to reverse what you have done.

My OH has his son live with him. He wasn't married to his ex, but their son expressed a wish to live with his dad, but to visit his mum regularly. He has never had to obtain a court order, or any other legal documentation to prove either residency or custody with regard to claiming Child Tax Credit. All that is necessary is to send in an original copy of the child's birth certificate, and the forms you fill in for DWP are a legal declaration in themselves, so, providing you aren't both trying to make a claim for this child, there shouldn't be any issues at at all.

Personally, I would definitely not sign away my custodial rights to a child. Things change, as do people. For example, my OH's ex has ventured into a violent marriage, and despite his son now being in the midst of the terrible teens, and going a bit 'off the rails', he is very relieved that he has the responsibility to guide their child, since his ex is a very weak person. The ex gets a copy of the school reports, can go to parents evenings, etc as she wishes, but as time has gone by (4+ yrs) she is less inclined to be involved. Incidentally, they agreed between them a contribution she makes financially towards his upbringing, but the CSA would have probably awarded him more, but she constantly complains about paying it, so be prepared for a claim to be made against you for a contribution - he may not have paid you more than £5 a week, but if his finances are dire, there's a good chance he'll be looking for other ways to prop them up. If he makes a claim for Child Tax Credit, they do have a part on the form that you are obligated to fill out about the other parent, which could trigger a claim via the CSA anyway. Basically, if they can get you to pay him some £, they can reduce the amount the DWP will have to pay him.

It sounds to me that your ex is thinking more about his finances than his child, which would perhaps concern me, but maybe he's just trying to be prudent and plan ahead for the arrival of his son permanently. Nonetheless, as mentioned above, the child benefit can be made payable to him, since it will only take a letter to explain these matters.

I think for your son's reassurance you should show him that you are wanting to retain a 'joint' custody stance, and maybe if you find out the facts about the financial in's and out's for your ex, and present him with written proof, that should be enough to allay any of his concerns. If he is still trying to push for you to sign over custody, I would be more suspicious (he's not planning to emigrate is he??!!), and query this more fully.

Do not give in to pressure now, and then spend the years ahead regretting your decision. You seem to have expressed that your 'gut' reaction was to say no. Stick with that feeling, your 'gut' is seldom wrong.

I think you seem to be handling what must be a very emotional time with a very level head, which you should be congratulated for. It is important to note that you are putting your son's wants and needs before your own here, and to have agreed to have him live with his dad must mean that his dad can't be all that bad anyway. I can't imagine how difficult a decision this must have been for you. Good luck for the future.

thesaint

Court orders aren't only for those who don't agree, it can simply set a standard so that there are not any misunderstandings.

Imagine this,
'Mr Smith' has a child living with him, he loves his dad, but has asked if he can go and live with his mum 'Mrs Brown'.
'Mrs Brown' wants to claim the benefits that she would be entitled to but 'Mr Smith' says, "No, you can have our son, but I want to keep everything in my name".
'Mr Smith' does not see why 'Mrs Brown' does not agree, and tells his son that he can not go and live with his mum like he wants to.

You couldn't make it up.

thesaint

Can I add that the mother would not be giving up any 'custodial rights'.

hobo28

thesaint wrote:

Court orders aren't only for those who don't agree, it can simply set a standard so that there are not any misunderstandings.

Imagine this,
'Mr Smith' has a child living with him, he loves his dad, but has asked if he can go and live with his mum 'Mrs Brown'.
'Mrs Brown' wants to claim the benefits that she would be entitled to but 'Mr Smith' says, "No, you can have our son, but I want to keep everything in my name".
'Mr Smith' does not see why 'Mrs Brown' does not agree, and tells his son that he can not go and live with his mum like he wants to.

You couldn't make it up.

Under this situation then there is in effect a disagreement, which if the parties cannot agree then court is suitable.

Besides which, the CB people have a dispute resolution procedure which "Mrs Brown" could follow if she is the PWC.

dollop

hi i reall really sympathise with you,when my son was 12 he wanted to go stay with his dad,it really broke my heart,the way i looked at it was i could have dragged him through every court in britain,but the judge would have taken what my son said as he was old enough to make up his own mind,sad but true,my son now has more than 100 percent respect for me and treats me more like a mother than what he did when he was at home,and it really touched me when he saved up all his paper round money and bought me a ring with mum on it,we probably get on 100 times better now than we did when he was at home,as for signing anything,you dont have to sign nothing,so dont bother,my heart goes out to you because its very very emtional,if you ever fel the need for a chat then please dont hesistate to im me,xxx