Desperate for help re: 5yo crying going to school

sassyblue

Morning all,

I'm desperate for advice to see if there's anything we haven't tried to get my 5 year old to school without crying

He's in year 1 and only just made it into his school year as his birthday's on 31st Aug, so he's the youngest. Last year in reception wasn't too bad - he had his moments but we tried plenty of things although he mostly went in upset (although not always crying).

We've tried (at the teachers advice) taking him early to school so the idea was that he'd see his friends outside playing and ask to join them, that never happened. :cool:
Sticker charts or giving him a sticker if he's got a smiley face at the school gates as he goes in - but stickers only have a limited interest.
We've tried a reward system that we'd go and buy a small toy from our local toy shop or have a meal out where he chooses, again no luck after a couple of weeks.

He's not bullied, he has lots of friends, there aren't any problems with school his teacher says he's fine within 5 mins of getting inside.

I've tried talking to him many times, and last week after he was wailing in the school playground calling out for me, we again spoke and l said it upsets me to see this and l don't want anymore crying and that l absolutely will not listen to it anymore.

However, 'zero tolerance' doesn't seem to be working at the moment as he's now claiming he has every illness and ailment under the sun to get out of school.

So please anyone, any advice would be great. He's an only child and quite demanding, he obviously gets alot of attention but he's a good boy and not spoiled it's just the separating bit in the morning.

balletshoes

I think you're doing fine - he's only 5, you keep up with whatever has worked best for you so far (sticker charts, toy reward etc etc), Stick with one method and keep going. As he calms down and settles into his work at school very quickly after you leaving, he's clearly not that unhappy there.
I imagine if you keep the consistency going he'll soon start to realise its not doing him any good and he'll stop it altogether. As he grows older he'll realise he's the only one doing it too, out of his peers, and as they get older children generally don't like to be too different from their classmates.

He's just had a long time off on holidays with you over Christmas and New Year, so it will take him time to settle again also .

if it helps, lots of children suffer from anxiety like this when they first start off being away from the apron strings - I had it every morning when my DD was 2 or 3 when she went to nursery. I used to leave her and then go around the corner (with the managers permission) and peep in the window so I could see her but she couldn't see me. Little madam was absolutely fine as soon as her classroom door was closed and her coat was off!

duchy

If as soon as he's inside or you are gone he's fine. Then he's playing you up!

Try an experiment-wave bye bye as soon as you get to school (no hovering ) and hide around the corner where he can't see you but you can see him and see if the moment you are out of view -he's fine then he just wants Mummy to know he'll miss her but is perfectly happy.

Peater

I went through a bit of a bad patch when i was about 8. I was starting at a new school following a summer where my sister had an accident which meant my parents were practically living in hospital for 2 months. The summer of getting passed from pillar to post (between grandparents and aunts etc) made me miss my parents alot and when school started i found i had some separation anxiety thing going on whenever my mum took me into school. I would wail to the point of vomiting, hideous little beast.

Obviously, i was too young to remember excatly what did it (made me stop) but i think it was just a matter of time.

Do you have a partner or parent that could take them to school instead? Perhaps it's waving goodbye to YOU at the gate that is the tipping point? Perhaps he associates school with being taken away from you. If you said goodbye at the house, perhaps he may realise that saying goodbye wherever is hard but nothing will change. Might give him the perspective?

I dunno, i'm rambling now. I'm no child psychologist.

fluffnutter

If he's fine in school, settles well and has friends then he's just got into a bad habit. Try to take the emotional heat out of the situation: no more reward charts and stickers (you can't keep buying your child a present for going to school!), no more discussions about it or even trying to soothe him. Just stop talking about it or trying to fix the problem. If he kicks off at home or on the way, tell him school's non-negotiable and change the subject.

Take him to school, quick kiss goodbye, friendly wave and leave him to it. He's probably picking up on your anxieties about this and has just got himself trapped in attention-seeking behaviour.

balletshoes

fluffnutter wrote: »

Take him to school, quick kiss goodbye, friendly wave and leave him to it.

I agree with this - don't drag the goodbye out, because thats giving him a few more minutes of attention. Keep it light and smiley on your part.

sassyblue

Peater wrote: »

Do you have a partner or parent that could take them to school instead? Perhaps it's waving goodbye to YOU at the gate that is the tipping point? Perhaps he associates school with being taken away from you.

I might try this for a few days.... that's exactly what it is l think associating school with being without mummy, same as l did actually l cried at his age leaving my mum. :cool: oh, and peater you weren't a hideous little beast! :rotfl: my friends daughter makes herself sick deliberately too (they're not at the same school and my little one doesn't know this).

Thanks all, l don't show any worries although the fact that we have discussed it shows it's an issue. We don't talk about it alot at home though as l know it will escalate the problem making it too 'important'.

duchy, l've tried waving him off and hiding where he can't see me but it makes no difference he still gets upset. :cool:

It's got to hear though that we're doing it right we've just got to stick at it..... l do make the 'goodbyes' quick btw, and whilst he's upset in the playground l just smile and occasionally wave.

This parenting lark can be hard at times.

gingin_2

Have you tried taking him in later, so he doesn't have time to get upset. I don't mean be late for class but so that the bell is going and he can just troop in with the line.

Year one is a bit of the shock to the system I think. I found that they tried their best to make the transition from Nursery to Reception as smooth as possible but by year one it's a knuckle down, work hard, no nonsense approach that tends to shock the children a bit.

The parent that I always admired the most was the one with the child who was carried to school horizontally tucked under her father's arm, screaming her head off, who was then deposited in the line swiftly by him. They tried everything else and this was the last resort but she always got into class fine and out bright enough at the end of the day.

peachyprice

Yup, I agree with the the above too.

Don't take him in early, leave it to last minute so the bell goes and they're going to their classes as you're walking in, take him to his class then leave. Taking him in earlier so he can play before the bell is only prolonging the inevitable.

Unfortunately he's getting lots of attention now by playing you up, there's absolutely no incentive for him to stop. The fact that he's happy within 5 mins pretty much confirms this.

claire16c

If hes fine as soon as youre gone, can you try to get to the school as late as poss so that when you get there you he has to go straight in anyway with no hanging about? So there is literally no time for him to start getting upset?

and then maybe try to get there a bit earlier each day as time goes on if that were to work?

adamantine

i can totally sympathise!! im the mother of the crying boy too!

last week we had no problems at all till friday and today all was fine till the bell rang and he asked me to walk him to the line which i did then i turned around to move away and when i looked back there were the tears and bawling!

my tactic was rewarding him but i cannot keep doing that every week and he needs to learn that he cant hold the carry on every day especially when he loves school! so today he is being sat down and spoken to and told that every day he holds this carry on then he will not get something like his pudding or to play the wii or to play his lego. reward didnt work so im trying punnishment.

might seem cruel to some but even my parents have tried and we are all out of ideas.