How do you forget?

skullncrossbones

My ex and I broke up about 9 months ago, after being together for a year n a half. I found some messages to girls, neither of us were happy, each taking responsibility for the failure of our relationship, so we called it quits. Cut a long story short I cut him out for a few months as I couldn't handle his crap anymore. He contacted me as he was moving and wanted to sort things out n be polite etc to one another. So that was fine, he moved, we kept in contact, he seemed to be happy but had to move home as he couldn't get a job and friends couldn't put him up anymore. He realised alot whilst away, apologised for alot of things and even said in the future we might be able to sort this all out as he loves, cares and misses me. Since he's been homes he's been alright til the last week or so. He's turned into the old miserable pig he used to be. I saw him over nye and he was a total mess, I think he's depressed but he won't do anything about it. He tells me he wants to be alone and hates people blah blah. Point being he seems to like them when he's centre of attention. I want to make him happy and help but he won't let me. So I've spend the last 2 days in tears because there's nothing I can do. Everytime we see one another we end up acting like bf and gf, cuddling and having a laugh. We've both said maybe we should leave each other alone, but don't want to. Either way I can't win. I tell him I want to take time away from him he'll be left with no one to really talk to and let down, im sure no one else knows how he really is, he sobs his eyes out to me :S I don't want to think he's faking it, and just wanting sympathy, but he seems to act fine to everyone else. God I just want o feel happy, with or without him, although I'd prefer it to be with him. Do you really need to give up on the one you love to make them realise they need you? It worked before...or should I just try and move on. Thank you if you got this far, just needed to get it off my chest...I appreciate people have hundred times worse problems then I do so thank you if you respond.

BitterAndTwisted

Hard one. Do you think there's any chance that he came back to you because there were few other options open to him even thought he knew in his heart he didn't necessarily want to resume your relationship as it was before? I haven't necessarily had to deal with a situation exactly like yours but what I can say is that if he truly is depressed rather than full of regret and unable to see a way out then he must seek advice and guidance. And not from you. You're not experienced or equipped to fix anything for him unless you're a counsellor yourself. Put yourself first, you are the only one in this world who will or can be relied on to. You've talked a lot about him in your post but not very much about what you want or what you feel.

skullncrossbones

Well I love him to pieces, which is going to waste as he's not in the right place to recieve it. I just want him to be happy and for us to sort our crap out. I just don't understand why we keep coming back to one another, I've never been like that with anyone else. I don't think he came back to be friends with me because there was few other options, he was moving cities, making new friends etc to be honest it would have been the perfect time for him to forget about me totally...yet he hasn't. He's not perfect, far from it, and yes he does need professional help that I can't give...gah! my heart says stay in contact and be there for him whilst my head says leave him to it and if it's meant to be its meant to be...thank you for youre response.

Alias_Omega

Can you use the "enter" key in your posts to make it easier to read, it just reads like one big script.


The question is? Do you want to be back together, or Do you want to move on with your life?

If you dont want to get back together, then I would stop the contact with him and just move on. Speaking to him/seeing him is keeping the "us" feeling together which will be holding both you & him back. When either one of you decides to move on fully, the other person will be left holding all the emotional pain. As one is happy, the other falls into sadness.


I once had a gf, we would split up then get back together. This went on for about 4 years where we would progress no further than BF/GF. One day, enough was enough and I decided to move on in life. It took about 7 months before things were back to normal, though i did attempt to return to the her (many times)..


As they say..."Never go back to an ex.."

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

What happens if he finds a job and meets someone else who happens to have her own house on the first day there? Do you think he'd still be interested then, once he didn't need you for any of the little comforts of life?

There's a reason why he's an ex. If you forget that, there is a danger you are in the same situation in another six months.


If he sorts himself out, maybe he should call you in six months. If he's properly sorted himself out and still wants you, maybe it's worth it. But you might not want him by then. Never nice to be the place which is one step up from sleeping in the gutter and one below kipping on someone's living room floor.

londonsurrey

I don't think he's faking it, but letting you see the real, "naked" him. Unfortunately, along with the tears, the real him also includes the crummy behaviour towards you. Only take him back if you're happy to accept that behaviour. You've seen how easily he slips back into it.

It sounds like you really want to be with him, but only the him without the cheating and the other stuff. Unfortunately, the odds are really high that you won't get him without the other stuff. Reaching out for just the positive version of him is like reaching for a mirage - your heart blinds you with dreams of happily ever after, and your head knows that it won't offer all you want.

Sambucus_Nigra

If a miserable old pig is what he is when he's not pretending; and he isn't prepared to pretend; then you have to make a decision as to whether a miserable old pig is what you really want in life.

Emmzi

you are never going to find out if you rally want him because you've never given yourself a chance to see what you are like without him. And you won't unless you can do 30 days no contact at all, and 90 days no seeing each other.

(random but reasonable numbers)

foxwales

After a year and a half together he was messaging other girls and you weren't happy?

This one sounds like a keeper!

Seriously, move on. You can do way way better

euronorris

Sometimes we are attracted to people for the wrong reasons. Their problems can provide a cover up or distraction from our own problems, and this clouds our judgement.

A couple of things you need to understand, and take some time to accept (as I know it didn't happen straight away for me):

1) His happiness is not your responsibility. It is his own.
2) Only he can make the changes necessary to feel happy again. You can't do this for him, nor should you try to.
3) He may well never make any changes, if you are there as his 'safety cushion'.
4) You both need a clean break from each other. I think the times suggested by Emmzi, in post 8, are pretty sensible suggestions.
5) You are responsible for your own happiness. So, if you are not happy, and you can't change him, it only leaves you with one option really.

My suggestion would be, therefore, to make a clean break and let him know that perhaps you can be friends again in the future, but at the moment this relationship isn't happy, or healthy, for either of you.

Good luck! I am well aware that doing the above is much easier said than done, but please know that doing so doesn't make you heartless!

xx

simple_but_sweet

hi, your situation is really similar to what i went through last year! I was with my ex for however many years an when it was good it was good (or so i thought) he was texting other girls an cheating behind my back - unfortunately as my name suggests im easily persuaded and the relationship lasted alot longer than it should have.
After yet another row and woman we called it quits, i was happy and moved on quickly until he contacted me again a few months later, we started meeting more and were doing the same as you and started acting like bf & gf again. This went on for a few months until I found out he was actually seeing one of the women he cheated on me with! I cut off all contact told him exactly what I thought of him and deleted his number. Can honestly say it was the best decision I ever made!! Now i've realised that everyone else was right and I can do so much better.
Learn from my mistake - don't be with him because it's the easy thing to do and it's what he wants, do what makes you happy!!