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Is anyone having second thoughts or doubts?

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  • MrsDrink
    MrsDrink Posts: 4,538 Forumite
    I absolutely agree with everyone who said talk to your oh.

    The other thing I'm curious about is how long he has been doing and saying hurtful things? If it's ever since you met that is a very different situation than if it's only been the last few months/since you became engaged. It could very well be that he is freaking out over the enormity of the commitment he is about to be making to you. But talking to him, and him talking to you will help allay any fears on both sides.

    P.S. that said - I do think if it's not meant to be it's best to back out now rather than after you're married. x

    I also think it's a shame you felt you couldn't write this thread under your usual name ((hugs))
  • jojo2004
    jojo2004 Posts: 572 Forumite
    Poor you! That's a horrid/scary feeling.

    Agree with all the other posters - is there time before you get married to think about this, or are you in the final stages of preparation? If the former, then you can relax - take time to think it through, imagine your life married to him, maybe write him a letter asking him how he sees your future and saying how you imagine it - sounds odd, perhaps, but on paper it's easier to be clear.
    If it's the latter, then put aside what you're doing for an hour and stop thinking. Then, when you're calm, it might seem clearer. I'm in the last few days of prep right now, and I know how things can build up and pressure can seem overwhelming. Take time to look after yourself - and don't be afraid to ask for what you need. If it helps, OH and I are having couples counselling in the run up to our wedding, as we want to start marriage without any niggles or mis-communication.

    Hope you resolve things. xx
    :grin:If at first you don't succeed, then sky-diving isn't for you
  • C_Mababejive
    C_Mababejive Posts: 11,668 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    ariba10 wrote: »
    A Woman marries a man hoping she can changing him.

    A Man marries a woman hoping she will never change.

    (Both are usually disappointed)

    All the signs are there on the big day...

    Aisle
    Altar
    Hymn
    Feudal Britain needs land reform. 70% of the land is "owned" by 1 % of the population and at least 50% is unregistered (inherited by landed gentry). Thats why your slave box costs so much..
  • All the signs are there on the big day...

    Aisle
    Altar
    Hymn

    A joke as old as aisles, altars and hymns, and not really constructive at this moment.

    Seraphina90, I wish you all the best. You're clearly very mature and courageous to put this amount of thought into whether this is right for you, and I hope your fiance can appreciate what he has.

    x
    :heart::heart::heart: Marrying my lovely man on 1st September 2012 :heart::heart::heart:
    :love:

    The right to express an opinion does not override the responsibility to show respect. :)
  • nickki44
    nickki44 Posts: 254 Forumite
    edited 3 January 2012 at 8:34PM
    Can you imagine your life without him in it?

    and if he went, would you miss him, or just miss having someone in your life?

    When you look ahead at yourself in 5 years what do you see, and more importantly who do you see around you?

    I also married younger, the closer the wedding got, the more I knew it wasn't what I wanted but I didn't have the confidence to call it off. I made the mistake of thinking the fear of being alone was the fear of losing him.
    when it ended, i realised that I didn't miss him at all - i just missed someone...

    With the man i've just married, in the 5 years we've been together, i've never once doubted (even when he's totally annoyed the heck out of me!) that we should be together a I absolutely cannot imagine my life without him in it - not ever.

    does that make sense?

    Hope it helps, and I'm also available on pm if you want to talk in confidence

    Whatever you do - make sure it is the best decision for YOU

    best of luck to you

    xxx
    The newest Mrs Lindley...... I married my Welsh Soulmate on 11-11-11 xxx
  • Magpie27
    Magpie27 Posts: 435 Forumite
    Lots of people have said some of the things I was thining of saying but I didn't want to read and run. I married when I was 24 and I knew shortly before the wedding that I didn't want to marry him but I didn't have the guts to do anything about it, we got married abroad and everyone had flights booked etc so didn't feel I could do it to everyone how naive I was especially after what I went through during the marriage I sure everyone would of prefered I hadn't married him :( My ex also started to say lots of horrible things to me just before wedding I put it down to his nerves but as it turned it is was just the beginning of a hell of a lot worse to come!! Please don't think that I am saying that your marriage will turn out the same way all I am saying is seriously spend some time out thinking clearly about your future and I would talk to somebody else about the things he says just to get their reaction. And please don't worry about other peoples feelings if you decide not to go ahead it is YOUR future and you deserve to be happy.
  • I don't know if this helps but I had a friend who was due to get married in 2009 but she had doubts and keeps things very close to her chest. We all knew something was wrong but she just isn't the type of person to talk about things. Anyway she made the massively scary decision to tell her fianc! that they wouldn't be getting married about a month before the wedding.

    Yes it was scary and may have felt embarrassing to her at the time but to her friends and family it was possibly one of the bravest things she could have done and we are all so proud of her. And she is a different person now- visibly so much happier.

    So my point is whether you talk to him about it our not, do what is right for you (and only you can know what that is) but remember it is never going to be too late to change your mind and people will be far more understanding about it than you would imagine them to be.
  • Thanks again. I have been reading through all your posts and they are very touching and helpful.

    Those who say that it may be partly the transition from GF to fiancee may have a point; I do feel as if we're rushing headlong towards this fixed date (the wedding) and it makes me panic a bit. I sometimes wish that I could pause time to consider if it's the right thing to do! But then we've been together for years, surely I should *know* by now??

    Also, I have a long history of over-analysing things. :o And the start of January usually makes me pensive and maudlin anyway, so this just be New Year blues. :o

    To answer some of your questions:

    The wedding is between 6 and 9 months away.

    I would miss him if we split up, of course. I don't know what I'd do without him. We have a real laugh together and we want the same things in life. We enjoy the same things. We're 100% compatible - well, 99%. Having said that, I'm not sure if I'm scared of losing *him* or just scared of being alone. How do you know?

    Oh and it may be relevant to mention my age. I'm in my mid-30s. I'm not sure if that fact is clouding the issue in my mind, but I do sometimes ask myself what I would do if I were in my mid-20s. :o

    I guess that I'll just have to talk to him. Will keep you all posted.

    White_Sapphire, thanks for your kind comment xx
  • C_Mababejive
    C_Mababejive Posts: 11,668 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    RE post #19...do you have a desire to have a child and if so,does your partner also feel the same way..?
    Feudal Britain needs land reform. 70% of the land is "owned" by 1 % of the population and at least 50% is unregistered (inherited by landed gentry). Thats why your slave box costs so much..
  • sugarwalsh
    sugarwalsh Posts: 1,734 Forumite
    So. what would you have done in your 20's?
    Megan
    May GC - £100 per week
    Week 1 - £120/£100 :eek:, Week 2 £110/100:o, Week 3 £110/£100:mad:, Week 4 £50/100Week 5

    DFW - March '13 - c/c £5600, April £4500, May £2500 :T
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