Is anyone having second thoughts or doubts?

Seraphina90

I'm a regular poster here but wanted to go anon for this, please forgive me

I am engaged to be married but am having doubts.... is this normal? I sometimes get very anxious about it.

Also I can't sleep at times thinking about it

BugglyB

Are you having second thoughts about your wedding or your marriage? x

White_Sapphire

I think it's very normal to have little bouts of anxiety, caused by the enormity of the commitment you are making hitting you a little! Perhaps combined with anxiety over the wedding itself - shyness causing you to worry about being the centre of attention, or feeling pressure over whether your wedding will 'measure up'.

Could you suggest marriage preparation classes to your fiance? Knowing that you're going into it with some emotional 'tools' to help deal with things getting difficult now and again may help. Or, if it's the wedding itself that's worrying you and you're planning a big wedding, would you consider scaling things down a little?

One other thing I would suggest is to take time to just be together as a couple as often as possible, with no wedding talk permitted. If wedding planning is taking over your life a little it can be difficult to put things in perspective where your actual relationship is concerned.

And yes; I have had jitters, mostly in the months following getting engaged. I occasionally get nervous about the wedding itself, but am now just excited about being married.

PM me if you want to chat; I know it's not a subject that's easy to bring up with friends and family.

x

sugarwalsh

I would agree with white sapphire. It is normal to have second thoughts, especially when you think about commuting for life. However, if you are thinking about it constantly I would suggest you look at the reasons why. Are you worried about life time commitment or ate you worried about the man you are marrying?
megan

Seraphina90

Thanks for the replies.

It's the marriage I'm having doubts about, not the wedding day.

I do love my H2B, it's just that sometimes he does and says hurtful things and I think to myself 'is this really the man I want to marry?' We have been arguing quite a bit lately and he kind of shuts down and won't talk or sort things out. It's upsetting.

ariba10

A Woman marries a man hoping she can changing him.

A Man marries a woman hoping she will never change.

(Both are usually disappointed)

BugglyB

Thats very difficult. It can be hard to know what to do when you have no way of communicating, and very isolating too. And also I expect everyone is expecting everything to be perfect for you at the moment!

No-one (even those that know you very well) can tell you whether getting married is the right thing to do. Only you can know that.

But if you feel like it isn't the right thing for you, don't let anything - peer pressure, family pressure, money - anything - stop you from standing up for yourself. Don't be so scared of 'rocking the boat' that you go along with the wedding if you know its not right.

sugarwalsh

Ah, if it is the man you are marrying then I suggest you take some time out to think about it. I don't mean leave him, but try getting away for a weekend and having a chance to think about what you really want from life.

I made a mistake and married when I was 20. I knew I shouldn't marry him, even when I was walking down the aisle. I was too afraid to say anything and too swept up in the idea of getting married. It was awful when I finally admitted to him it was over 18 months later.

Not all men are romantic fools and they are often far from perfect, but now I am with someone who I consider my equal life is extremly happy. Yes we argue, yes he vrey occasionally says things he shouldn't - I know this is sexist but sometimes men aren't as good with words and resort to saying things they don't mean - but I also have no fear when we do argue. I know he will always be here, and when we calm down we can talk, but knowing he will always be around is my idea of a perfect man. (AMongst other things.) I know from the bottom of my heart he is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I suspect that if you look in your heart then you will know whether your fiance is the right person to marry.

Megan

Alibear

Sounds to me like you need to talk tom him. Does he know he can sometimes hurt you with the things he says? Is he nervous about the wedding/getting married too?

I found the transition from gf to fiancee (wife to be) quite hard, mainly because I thought I'd never get married! I found the realisation of knowing you'll be sharing the rest of your life with someone quite daunting, esp after not having to factor anyone else into my life for so long. It's still not easy, but I now know these thoughts are nothing to do with whether I love my fiance. it's all about adjusting!

trying_2_b_good

This is a really difficult situation. It must be a terrible feeling. I think that it may be normal to have mild, fleeting doubts with all the stress of the wedding - and these can be ignored - but what you are saying seems to be much more serious. Only you can decide if what you are doing is the right thing. I don't know how long you have until your wedding, or even if it's booked - but I hope you have plenty of time to talk this through with yourself and maybe a very close friend. I would definitely talk it through with your OH as well - maybe don't tell him how serious your doubts are, but talk about how it makes you feel when he says these things.

Everyone is different and can cope with different things, and no-one can predict the future. But you can't risk your future because you're too scared to duck out. Or maybe you can - I know my mum has been in a largely unhappy relationship for years and years and I've told her to leave him, but she won't because she's scared of being alone.

Or maybe you're just scared if the committment now, and things that you used to be ok with him saying and doing are suddenly driving you up the wall because you're looking for excuses to validate how you feel?

Or maybe it is just jitters and you'll be ok in a couple of weeks???

I hope that you manage to work things through xxxxxx

LEJC

Without giving away your identity...are you getting married soon or later in the year....

If its soon then I think the pressure of arranging a wedding can be really stressful and its perfectly normal to have a few doubts and wonder if it will all come together...both of you will possibly feel that its a big step that your taking and you might both benefit from taking a few days away from wedding planning to chill out and both de stress...

However if the wedding is not for a while it may help to try and clear the air with your OH now and explain how you feel...

I think that communication is the key to this and also taking some time out to be a couple would help I'm sure. All couples will argue at times and to be honest probably say things that upset eachother...but its about resolving the bad feeling and respecting eachothers views...afterall you are partners

Please talk openly to eachother...I hope you can then decide where your future is taking you