Want to leave

lutzi1

Your husband should not be speaking to you in such a disrespectful fashion, no matter whether you are arguing or not. By calling you that he's also teaching your son it's ok to speak to women like that. Make it clear to him when you have both calmed down that that is not acceptable.

robpw2

really , you need to leave do not stay just because of the "kids" excuse because once they are gone there will be another reason besides its a lot more upsetting for a child to be in an environment where parents are not happy then to be in one where parents have realised they need to deal with problem

nonnatus

You are doing what you think is the right thing by staying at the moment but your poor son must be already extremely stressed. It's exhausting having to constantly watch and reassure parents, to be looking out for their behaviour all the time and follow them around, sorting out bad feelings as your poor little one is doing .

I stayed with my Ex for 3 years longer than I should have done because I was worried about the effect it would have on the children, particularly my very sensitive daughter who begged me to remain married continuously and acted very much like your son is now.

I left the marriage in 2009, taking the children. It took just a couple of weeks for the dust to settle and I have remained friends with the Ex (which I think is VITALLY important for the kids although sometimes VERY hard for me to do ) The kids look back now and agree it was the best thing to have happened to both their parents. Their dad is happily re-married and I am blissfully happily single. My son is a relaxed, chilled out, bright kid who rarely gets stressed about anything. My daughter (now 15) is still very anxious and constantly "sweats the small stuff" - she definitely has OCD tendencies and has to get up several times at night to reassure herself the gas is off / doors are locked but we find certain herbal tablets are helping with this behaviour.

Do I believe that those three years of living with desperately unhappy parents were the trigger for all this behaviour? Well, sometimes, when I'm beating myself up! But mostly I believe that's the way she was made and I adore the bones of her. She'll either grow out of it or I'll step up the treatment and get her to the GP / a therapist.

I guess what all that waffle is leading to is that you (nobody) can predict how bad the future will be for you and your DS but surely it can't be any worse than the present. And it will almost certainly be a lot better. Don't let your young child make the decisions, he's not old enough to be able to see past the first day of your new life when his daddy will not be there. It's up to you to be brave and SHOW him how much happier the four of you will be.

I wish you all the luck in the world for this time in your life. Think ahead to this time next year, take a deep breath and go for it

youth_leader

Sympathies for feeling this on New Year's Day - my husband and I 'separated' in 2004 but decided to stay together for the children - our son is now 18 but started doing 'weed' at 16 and had counselling - and the first thing he told the counsellor was that his parents were separated but still living together and the atmosphere at home was awful. I wasn't brave enough at the time to go - you really have to bite the bullet and do it.

FBaby

Your son is old enough, especially if he is mature for you to have a conversation about it with him. Explained that you are not happy and it will be very difficult for you to stay. Ask him what it is he is so scared about. Is he anxious about change, worried he will never see his dad, worried that he will lose his friends etc... he needs to let it all out, and work through each of his anxieties so he can be reassured that if you do move, it will be ok for him too.

Kazipoo

paddedjohn wrote: »

If you're wanting to leave then leave, dont just stay together for the sake of the kids. Kids are more resiliant than we give credit for and will get used to living elswhere as long as they have good contact with both parents.

I agree with this statement, and it was exactly what I told my sister about 10 years ago. She had been having troubles with her hubby for some years, he was quite controlling, plus she was gay (which we all knew). She kept making excuses and saying she had to stay with him for the kids. In the end I told her kids bounce back, they will survive, and it may actually be better for them to get out of this controlling and unhappy relationship.

She is remarried now and absolutely loves her life, Her kids have constant contact with their dad and they have now have 2 mums, which they also love. It worked out for the better for her, i'm not saying that would be the same with everyone, it really depends on the situation, but you have to stop using the kids as the excuse.

Lunar_Eclipse

nonnatus wrote: »

You are doing what you think is the right thing by staying at the moment but your poor son must be already extremely stressed.

I think the current situation is probably the most damaging option for your son. Why does he think you are going to leave? Has he heard arguments and/or threats? It sounds like your son knows you aren't happy, the marriage and family relationships aren't healthy, but that no action is being taken.

My advice is to take some action concerning the marriage (counselling?) and also communicating urgently with your son, given his feelings and knowledge about what's going on. He needs reassurance, from you, that you are fine but need to work through some adult issues and they have nothing to worry about. Your son is far too young to be worrying about the family breaking up, if you consider that it could go on for a year or more.

Personally, I wouldn't want to leave my children. Why can't you leave, but take your son with you?

I would also be asking myself what I thought was best for my children, in your circumstances. Having brought my children in to this world, I would definitely accept 8 years of self sacrifice if I honestly thought that was in my son's best interests. I'm not sure continuing in the marriage is the best option though, but there are few things, in my opinion, than the long term effects of feeling abandoned by one's mother, should that happen.

CH27

I think you need to make a decision ASAP & stick to it so your son isn't in limbo waiting for the thing he dreads most to happen.
If you do decide to leave at least he will know where he stands & you can work with him on his anger/upset/hurt.

pukkamum

Have you considered the possibility that your DS's behaviour may well be because of you staying in a marriage neither you nor your husband want to be in?
I know you say he begs you not to leave, does he think you will leave without him? If so why?
My sisters and i spent 10 years watching my mum and stepdad slowly destroying each other and it pretty much ruined our childhood although if asked at the time we would never have wanted them to split, however, when they finally did the relief for everyone was palpable.
Both my sisters and i lived daily with the fear that one of our parents would be gone and this was awful not quite as bad as watching the hatred between them get more and more intense which is inevitable when being forced to live an unhappy life.

Far better for your son to deal with the initial trauma of you seperating than live with parents who hate each other.

adamantine

is your son asking you not to leave him or his dad? i think he sounds scared you are going to walk out leaving him and not taking him with you.

no one has ever ever said "im so glad my parents stayed together in an unhappy marriage for me. it was a perfect childhood"