Want to leave

Torndao01

I have been married for 15 years and have 2 kids. The title says it all really, I want to leave my husband, but I know it will distroy my DS.

I don't really want to go into why I want to leave, but I can sum it up by saying we both arn't happy. My husband doesn't want me to leave, he says its because he loves me, but I think its more to do with not wanting to be alone and be a grown up. I do know he doesn't want to be without his kids as well (even though you can't tell the way he ignores them).

My DS is 10 nearly 11, and he is well aware there are problems between us, he has begged me not to leave with tears in his eyes:( on more that one occassion. My DS is a very wilful and intelligent child that could without guidance go off the rails I believe. I'm concerned that if I leave he will go off the rails especially as hes just turning into a hormonal teenager. I know he will blame me as I said he Dad doesn't want us to break up.

My husband is well aware of how I feel, but the problems we have don't change and haven't for the past 5 yeas.

My DD is 8 but she would be happy as long as she is with me, she doesn't feel loved by her Dad, as I said he ignores her (he does our DS but he is less bothered by that).

I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, leave with a very high possibility it could do damage to my DS, or stay and be uphappy for the next 8 years(until DS is 18).

I don't even know why I'm writing this, just needed to say it really:(

runningwoman

Torndao01 wrote: »

I have been married for 15 years and have 2 kids. The title says it all really, I want to leave my husband, but I know it will distroy my DS.

I don't really want to go into why I want to leave, but I can sum it up by saying we both arn't happy. My husband doesn't want me to leave, he says its because he loves me, but I think its more to do with not wanting to be alone and be a grown up. I do know he doesn't want to be without his kids as well (even though you can't tell the way he ignores them).

My DS is 10 nearly 11, and he is well aware there are problems between us, he has begged me not to leave with tears in his eyes:( on more that one occassion. My DS is a very wilful and intelligent child that could without guidance go off the rails I believe. I'm concerned that if I leave he will go off the rails especially as hes just turning into a hormonal teenager. I know he will blame me as I said he Dad doesn't want us to break up.

My husband is well aware of how I feel, but the problems we have don't change and haven't for the past 5 yeas.

My DD is 8 but she would be happy as long as she is with me, she doesn't feel loved by her Dad, as I said he ignores her (he does our DS but he is less bothered by that).

I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, leave with a very high possibility it could do damage to my DS, or stay and be uphappy for the next 8 years(until DS is 18).

I don't even know why I'm writing this, just needed to say it really:(

Sorry, can't think of owt to write as I'm childless but didn't want to read and run as it's the middle of the night and you obviously need someone to listen to you.

((OP)) whatever you decide.

Torndao01

Thank you runningwoman for you concern, feel like Im cheating alittle, I live in the US and its still 2011 here:D

merlot123

Sorry to read you are unhappy. Do you still live in the US? or have you returned?

Have you tried relate?

My honest opinion would be if you are truly unhappy and things with your husband cannot be resolved and it is having an effect on the children, then I would personally leave.

I know you said you are concerned for your son, you need to reassure him lots this has nothing to do with him, its not his fault you are both unhappy and that Mum and Dad will always love him even if not married any longer.

Has your son displayed any signs of going off the rails?

If you separated, would you return to the UK?

merlot123

paddedjohn

If you're wanting to leave then leave, dont just stay together for the sake of the kids. Kids are more resiliant than we give credit for and will get used to living elswhere as long as they have good contact with both parents.

[Deleted User]

you are the mother and the danger signs re your son are there. I would be staying and putting my emotions on hold for a while. I would also go with my husband to counsellng. My son would come first, always

ky822000

Sorry, if things are really not working at home (and I am sure you have thought this through), then I would leave with my children and start a new life with them. As long as you are honest with them about the reasons you feel you have to leave then they are the right age to be resilient - mine were!!!! It can work as long as you keep talking to your kids - my DD was 12 when my second relationship fell apart, and my DS was 10. Good luck to you x

Frogletina

I knew that there were problems with my marriage but I decided that I would not leave while I had young children. Eventually I did leave when all the children were older, and although we had never discussed it, I think we both knew that we would not last the course but I made the decision in the end.

Is there a reason why it has to be now that you go? I know you don't want to talk about the problems, but can you not share living in the same house and being parents to the children for the time being?

It is not easy for children having to spend their time in two different homes. Yes, they are resilient - and if they are suffering emotionally or otherwise with the two of you then I can see a reason to go. But being a single parent, and all that that entails is not easy - I have watched members of my family having to deal with problems of access, holidays - where the children spend their birthdays and christmases.

I am lucky that we stayed together as a tight unit, just not in the same house at the end, and I ended up friends with my ex and we still share birthdays and christmases with the children who have children of their own now. But I do understand that it can't work for everyone,

Torndao01

Thank you all for taking the time to reply, I don't really know what I was asking. I don't really have anyone to talk to about it.

Even tonight my DS can tell there is something wrong, (husband called me a stupid b**ch earlier in the evening. So even though I'm trying to be normal for the kids, as I said my DS is very bright and can tell its false:( Well he keeps coming up and saying Dad didn't mean it, he really cares about you. Hes pretrifed that I'll leave:(

I hate the fact that he can see whats going on even if I try to keep it from him.

Also without thinking about the kids, if I stay that means he can continue to behave they way he does and I just have to put up with it.

I guess anyone who has left their husbands have spend ages going over the same things as I am. How will it effect the kids, how will I manage financially, everyone will blame me (husband looks perfect to everyone else). The final one, is it the right thing to do.

I do want point out the my husband isn't abusive, even though he swore at me, we were having a disagreement at the time and even though I don't swear at him, I do give as good as I get.

BitterAndTwisted

Is there even the vaguest possibility that both of you would be willing to go to counselling to try and find a way of making your marriage work, even in a different way to how it is now, rather than trying to put things back to the way they were before when you still loved each other? Is there absolutely nothing left worth fighting for?

If you stay it DOES NOT have to mean that he gets to continue to behave the way he does and you DO NOT just have to put up with it. What is it about his behavour that you're tolerating?

desert_rose

You need a plan. If you leave with the kids how are you going to keep a roof over their heads and feed them? If you stay, how are you going to turn things around and heal your marriage?
Only you can answer the first question.

If you choose the second option then you've a lot of reading and thinking to do. The fact that your husband ignores the children reminds me of a relative who does the same. We discovered its to do with feeling left out and that the kids are prioritised every time, leaving hubby feeling like a second class citizen only there to service bills and fix up shelves. Solution was to acknowledge his feelings and to begin to change behaviours. Its still a work in progress but they seem to be working it out.