my ex is making my life hell

skint-student-nurse

Hi,

I have had several issues with my ex - he is punishing me for being happy with someone else - and I really can not take it anymore. I dont have any family around me and no close friends who would understand what im going through as they have never had a relationship.

Basically im in a situation where our daughter lives with her nan (his mum) as i moved out of the county to start afresh and I can not for love nor money get her into a school here but god knows i am trying.

Everything is fine until the situation of money comes to head. Now,before I go any further, all of the money issues are to do with contracts in his name but i suppose in a way were gifted to me. He gave me a mobile phone contract in his name (24 months) and also took out a loan to pay off my debts that were run up by me as i took out a small loan and credit for things for our daughter that I raised by myself after he walked out on me when i was pregnant.

He demands money off me a lot,and uses our daughter against me if he doesnt get his own way,and threatens me with benefit fraud,etc if i dont comply. I dont earn a great deal in my job and he knows I cant afford to pay anything. I am sick of him calling me,demanding money,making threats against me and making me so miserable that ive attempted suicide twice in 8 weeks.

my boyfriend says this is blackmail but the police do not want to know. I just want my daughter back with me and for him to leave me alone.

DUTR

skint-student-nurse wrote: »

Hi,

I have had several issues with my ex - he is punishing me for being happy with someone else - and I really can not take it anymore. I dont have any family around me and no close friends who would understand what im going through as they have never had a relationship.

Basically im in a situation where our daughter lives with her nan (his mum) as i moved out of the county to start afresh and I can not for love nor money get her into a school here but god knows i am trying.

Everything is fine until the situation of money comes to head. Now,before I go any further, all of the money issues are to do with contracts in his name but i suppose in a way were gifted to me. He gave me a mobile phone contract in his name (24 months) and also took out a loan to pay off my debts that were run up by me as i took out a small loan and credit for things for our daughter that I raised by myself after he walked out on me when i was pregnant.

He demands money off me a lot,and uses our daughter against me if he doesnt get his own way,and threatens me with benefit fraud,etc if i dont comply. I dont earn a great deal in my job and he knows I cant afford to pay anything. I am sick of him calling me,demanding money,making threats against me and making me so miserable that ive attempted suicide twice in 8 weeks.

my boyfriend says this is blackmail but the police do not want to know. I just want my daughter back with me and for him to leave me alone.

Bit confused here, what is the money demands for? If the child is not living with either of you, then the guardian needs to obtain some financial contribution from the 2 of you (parents), the threats of benefit fraud are either true or not, if they are not true then they are just empty threats.
Good luck for the new year though

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Collect your daughter and get on with your life. The presence of a school is nothing if he collects her after a few months and decides you obviously didn't want her.


He can't threaten you with 'benefit fraud' if you aren't scamming something yourself. If you are entitled to benefits, just claim them without worry. If you are still receiving benefit for your daughter, I suggest you go and get her pretty sharpish.

And make yourself appointments at the GP to get treatment for your depression.


But most of all - stop self harming. As that won't help you get your daughter back.

julie8314dave

i had the same problem, change your mobile no, stay in touch with the nan, and have no contact with the father at all, do all you can to get your daughter living with you, trust me it will come back and haunt you if you dont.
Are you in england now and how far away is your daughter?
and how old is the daughter,

I can promise you it is all about control. when you have no contact with him he has no control.,just keep in touch with your daughter weite her letters and send them to her telling her how much you miss and love her and also telling her that you are trying to sort this problem out.

Go to social services and make sure that it is the nan receiving money for your daughter then he can not get any money of off you.
Any money that he has bailed you out with before tell him that it was money left for putting up with him for all those years.

If he does not get the hint then do everything your end so that when you do get your daughter living with you there are no messy ends to deal with.

Believe me i have been divorced for coming up to 18 years and my ex still thinks he can control me through our kids, you have to make a stand now or it will never end.

GOOD LUCK and i hope 2012 re-unites you with your daughter xx

skint-student-nurse

Thanks for the replies. As far as I am aware,I am not committing any kind of fraud, but i am going to check after new years, and last time he threatened fraud,I ended up giving him some money to get him off my back and now I can see that this was wrong as a week later, he wants the same again. I dont have a great relationship with her nan,she is the only daughter/girl in that side of the family for three generations and they are obsessed with her.

I went to hospital last week as I was feeling suicidal but it was tearing my boyfriend apart from my two previous attempts,so there is a wall up, but i felt like i was having a breakdown and the doctor there informed social services (yet again) of the situation. My ex isnt on the birth certificate. He has told me that a court can force me to name him on the birth cert (apparently,according to his solicitor) yet social services said that he can not go on there without my permission,which i will not give.

I have also been told that as all the financial agreements that he wants contributions for are in his name, then its not my problem. He is a gaurentor for my loan but ive been told that he is also liable for this.

I just find that the advice i get from social services and the CAB gets contradicted with what my ex tells me and i dont know who or what to believe. I have a new sim card so i can change my number tonight,i keep a spare just incase :-/

NickyBat

Why would you believe a manipulative man over the CAB or Social services? Who claims child benefit for your daughter? and what benefits do you claim?

Mrs_Huggett

Why are you even questioning that he may be telling you what his rights are when you are hearing the TRUTH from the agencies concerned, I went through all this nonsense 23 years ago, but soon set my ex straight!! You will have to sort out the basic issues with the Grandmother, then the SS and Family courts will see that you have tried to do everything in the best interests of your child. Good luck, and stay strong.

thatgirlsam

I'm finding it all hard to understand!

Are you and your ex partner paying child support to her Gran?

Is she claiming the child benefit or are you?

Who actually has custody of your daughter?

If she is unable to live with you why doesn't she live with her Dad?

FBaby

It is confusing. If he is definitely her dad, why won't you agree for him to be on the birth certificate? I understand that if he wanted to go far enough, he could go to court, request a DNA test to be done, and if proving that he is the biological father, insist that the birth certificate is changed, even against your will, but that would take some determination and court costs.

You sound like you are struggling mentally and I guess you are missing your daughter much. Why isn't she with you? The local LA are required to find a place for her locally, and even if it is not the school of your choice, it would be better for her to be with you than with a grand mother. Are you contributing anything towards your daughter? Is he? I would expect his mother to be able to claim CSA against both of you which is fair enough.

BitterAndTwisted

The child isn't with the OP because she can't find a school place.

Listen, the first thing you should do is to get your child out of there and into your own home regardless of whether you can find a school place or not. Just pick her up from school one day and walk away.

Second: STOP THE SUICIDE ATTEMPTS! This is going to have a very serious effect on the custody and/or your relationship with your child if people decide that they want to seriously mess your life up. Also, just for one tiny moment think about what your actions are telling your new partner. And what they might be telling your child if they ever knew about it. Also have a wee ponder on the effect it might have on your professional life.

Thirdly: Stop bloody-well listening to anything this ex-bloke tells you now and forever.

daska

Is it that the LA won't find a place for your daughter because she's not living with you in that LA? In which case the answer is to pick your daughter up, bring her to where you are living and then apply. It shouldn't take long for them to find her a place once they're legally obliged to.

The Birth Certificate is to a certain extent irrelevant except that it indicates either that he has never had enough interest to bother to attend the registration with you or more likely, in light of your comments about, that you deliberately excluded him - in the long run it makes little difference except to the lining of the solicitor's pockets, he can still go to court and apply for parental responsibility and contact and residency orders etc and it will be you who looks bad for standing in the way of him taking responsibility.