Keeping up appearances.......

PinotGrigio41

HappyNow wrote: »

Hello Pinot

Well, I have told Mr Happy that things are a bit tight, especially this month. He knows the rental house will be leaving us rent-less for a while and he knows about Little Miss Happy's uni accomodation fees/broken laptop, and that we will have to return the current tenant's bond. In fact he knows about all our bills. But he doesn't realise the level of debt we have - he thinks it's just a matter of being a bit careful and things will be fine.

Here's an example of his idea of 'cutting back'. Last night he said he fancied going out for a meal, but he suggested we just go to the local Italian as it's a bit cheaper than the Thai! Obviously we didn't go to either - and I actually told him that I didn't want to go because of the cost.

I know I'm keeping a pretty massive secret from him, but I actually think he is happier not knowing. If he knew, he would worry like mad and I think he might even get depressed. If telling him would pay the debts off quicker then I would, but in truth it wouldn't make any difference to our finances because I make all the financial decisions and do all the shopping anyway.

Telling him is something I'm starting to think more about though... Maybe he has a right to know as it affects him so much. Or maybe he has the right NOT to know, because the debts are mainly due to my past stupidity, so why should my mistakes make him unhappy?

Hmm, difficult..... I will keep pondering it. I think I should maybe do the same as you, and tell him a few months down the line when I have a plan in place. And during those few months the debt will be starting to reduce, so with each passing month the shock will be smaller. x

Its a tough one Happy and I dont think there is a right or wrong way to go about it. Its got to be a decision your happy with and that is utimately best for both of you and of course Mr Happys health, but then again also yours. Its alot of responsibility to shoulder on your own. I was worried about Mr Pinot also, he doesnt have health problems but although he knew we had debt , he didnt realise the extent of it, not that it was hidden , but he was never around to open the post or look at the bank statements really. He was working all the hours under the sun, he was / is exhausted and that in itself made me worry that he would be ill, so for me I felt by having a plan in place, it would infact give him a sense of relief that he could occasionally take the odd day off of work. No idea if that makes sense, it does in my head !:)

You made me laugh with Mr HappyNows cost cutting meal out solution last night :rotfl:. That sounds alot like Mr Pinot would have suggeted back in the day !

FlacosFloozie

Its a difficult decision to make Happy. Mr Floozie knows about our debts... sort of.
I did tell him the figure when I totalled it all up and explained that we really had to start living within a budget. However, I don't think he really gets it in terms of how much work this is going to be to pay off. I'm the sole earner at present and I make all the major financial decisions, mainly because he isn't interested. This has meant for years it has effectively been my job to make sure there is money there for things.
He does suffer from depression so I don't want to put too much pressure on him. Hopefully he will be working in the future but I don't want him stressing that he has to get a job now. I would rather he took the time to find something he can be happy at.
However, the gulf between theory and reality can get a bit galling. He got a tax rebate cheque that went straight into his current account so he could have some spending money.... all my spending money is going to the debt... I don't think he realisies. Also, I was doing an online survey last night (to earn a bit of cash) and it was about tech and he casually dropped in that once he's working he'll buy an ipad.... I'm sat here doing a 50p survey to earn money and you're planning on spending money you don't even have yet on toys... :mad:
I love him dearly and I know he will always be there for me but I also know he just isn't capable of taking the same level of responsibility I can here. I guess you have to ask the same about Mr Happy.

HappyNow

Thanks so much Pinot and FlacosFloozie, you are both very insightful.

Yes, it is a lot of responsibility to shoulder on my own, but I'm pleased to be finally taking responsiblity for my (and actually I suppose it should be OUR - he bought stuff too!) former silly spending. And, if I'm honest, a big part of me thinks that I have enough on my plate without having to cope with Mr Happy's potential angst/worry/depression too! So maybe my secrecy is partially self-preservation. Hmm.....

FlacosFloozie - you seem to be carrying most of the burden in your house. I hope you are taking care of yourself and that Mr FF sees to all the cooking/cleaning etc?

xx

poohbear59

HappyNow wrote: »

Hello Pinot

Well, I have told Mr Happy that things are a bit tight, especially this month. He knows the rental house will be leaving us rent-less for a while and he knows about Little Miss Happy's uni accomodation fees/broken laptop, and that we will have to return the current tenant's bond. In fact he knows about all our bills. But he doesn't realise the level of debt we have - he thinks it's just a matter of being a bit careful and things will be fine.

Here's an example of his idea of 'cutting back'. Last night he said he fancied going out for a meal, but he suggested we just go to the local Italian as it's a bit cheaper than the Thai! Obviously we didn't go to either - and I actually told him that I didn't want to go because of the cost.

I know I'm keeping a pretty massive secret from him, but I actually think he is happier not knowing. If he knew, he would worry like mad and I think he might even get depressed. If telling him would pay the debts off quicker then I would, but in truth it wouldn't make any difference to our finances because I make all the financial decisions and do all the shopping anyway.

Telling him is something I'm starting to think more about though... Maybe he has a right to know as it affects him so much. Or maybe he has the right NOT to know, because the debts are mainly due to my past stupidity, so why should my mistakes make him unhappy?

Hmm, difficult..... I will keep pondering it. I think I should maybe do the same as you, and tell him a few months down the line when I have a plan in place. And during those few months the debt will be starting to reduce, so with each passing month the shock will be smaller. x

In the past (2-3 years ago) I have kept things from DH so I wouldn't worry him. He has been depressed and I was avoiding causing it happening again. In recent months I have felt much more comfortable talking to him about it and this month I have had to tell him not to use his debit card without checking with me first. I did the same as you, waited until I had started to reduce our outgoings and had a plan. You will know when the time is right for you as a couple to sit down and work through it together.

HappyNow

Thanks for the reply Poohbear. It's surprising how many people there are in similar positions which is quite reassuring

Right, today was payday for both myself and Mr Happy, so I have updated my signature and done our bill-paying etc. As expected, this is NOT going to be a good month financially. In fact, it is going to be spectacularly bad! But, I am going to tackle it head-on and limit the damage as much as possible.

Problem: No rent coming in from our rental house after next Saturday.
Solution: Get the little repair/decorating jobs done as soon as we have the keys back and make it look lovely to attract a good new tenant. Can be done for under £100.

Problem: Daughter's laptop broken and irrepairable.
Solution: New one bought on credit card :cool: Sad but unavoidable, and we did get a reasonable spec for a good price.

Problem: Landlord insurance due on rental house.
Solution: Shopped round for the best price and paid in full from salary

Problem: Outgoing tenants will require their bond back.
Solution: There isn't one! Pay it out of salary and cut back elsewhere

Problem: Daughter's uni accomodation fees are £300 more than her loan
Solution: Again, no option but to pay it and tighten belts. It is a one-off so won't happen again

Problem: After paying all the bills/credit card minimum payments we are left with just £150 to live on for the month . Our petrol costs to work are more than that! Plus that doesn't include animal feed etc
Solution: Really need new tenant! May have one lined up subject to references etc and if it works out they will be in the house (and paying rent) around Feb 1st which will really help.
I have signed up for the January Grocery Challenge at £100 for the month so will have to be inventive.

So, unfortunately we WILL have to use our credit cards just to survive this month, but I will restrict it as much as possible. And February and March are Council Taxless months so I will repay whatever I have used from that. Promise!

Itsadogslife_2

Hi Happy,

I think only you can know whether or not Mr Happy would cope if he knew the full extent of the situation.

My OH knew very well about the figures for a long time but seriously wasn't bothered :mad: All he kept saying was that everyone had debt and as long as we were paying things per month and made the minimum payments it was fine. He is now completely on board and is 90% of time really good. He said the other day that the only reason he came on board completely was because he could see how it was affecting me - which I am still not sure means he is "with the programme" but it is definitely working so I can't complain.

Having had experience of mental illness though, it is difficult as ignorance is bliss - I am quite a nervous character which is inherent from my father who flits in between different anxieties and depressions and "if" there is the possibility that someone might become depressed/unwell from the news of the severity of the situation I don't know whether I would want to be the person telling the news. It all boils down to whether you can cope with the situation bearing the weight on your sole shoulders? Is there a way you could tell him there is a situation but not detailing exact amounts?

Hope you are enjoying your weekend even though you have had to spend on the credit card

FlacosFloozie

Good on you for signing up to the grocery challenge Happy. I've found its really making me watch what I spend as the supermarket was a big waste for us.
I tended to think along the lines of £1 isn't bad for microwave mash rather than but for £2 I can buy a bag of potatoes which will do 20 lots of mash... There are so many helpful suggestions on the GC board and the OS ones in general with regard to cutting day to day costs.
Mr FF is actually very good at helping with cooking and cleaning. He hasn't been woking because he had a long period of being very ill (fortunately now recovered) and then went back to uni to take further degrees. He's now finished and should be in a much better position long term re employment. Its just, with the depression, making him feel he has to do something can act as a trigger.
He can cope with sticking to a budget or having a quiet month or not buying that right at the moment but saying you need to come up with a way to pay £14000 back? That's just too much to handle. Not his fault its just the way things are and we're both learning to cope.

HappyNow

Thanks for the replies Itsa and FF. It does sound like both your OHs are doing their bit and I envy you that. In fact, I am going to HAVE that, but it may take a small while .

If I am honest, I think in his heart Mr Happy knows there is a situation but he wants to be protected from the cold, hard figures. I've certainly told him that January is going to be a financial nightmare and he mustn't buy anything! Today he has gone to a sporting event (paid for by a friend) and HE suggested taking sandwiches and a drink (which he then made himself) because the food is so expensive there. Progress indeed!

The budget update. Having committed to an optimistic £100 for the January Grocery Challenge I have today made a curry using very bendy leftover vegetables and a jar of Sharwoods Bhuna Curry Sauce which I found in a cupboard, covered with dust. It should last the two of us for two meals, and I will be taking the unusual step of serving it with spaghetti, because I have shed-loads. Hey, free food!

FlacosFloozie

I can actually see curry and spaghetti working you know

HappyNow

That's what I thought FF - carbs is carbs!