"Post Bereavement" Advice Would Be Appreciated

belfastgirl23

Just to say that the thing about grief is that whatever you are feeling is normal. It doesn't mean you always have to express those feelings but you don't have to deny them either. People are just trying to help. They aren't necessarily succeeding of course but do try to keep in mind that this is their goal. They want to help you resume a version of 'normal' life but whatever feels right for you now is normal.

That said, don't think you can predict what you might want in the future. Someone close to me who lost their husband referred to feeling like you were on a ship in a rough sea - you batten down the hatches, hunker down and eventually the sea settles and you have to look out and take your bearings in the new world. You might continue to feel the same but you might feel different and the thing is you don't know yet. So don't feel you have to make decisions for the future, just make them for now.

As for your husband saying he was scared of you meeting someone else, maybe this was just one part of what he thought and at other times he might have thought differently. It would be normal enough for him to have a mix of feelings on this and it's good that he felt able to express this to you, it says something about the strength of your relationship. But please don't let this become a focus. Whatever he did or didn't think, you still have a life and you need to live it, however it may end up being shaped.

And my sympathies on your loss.

McKneff

NuttyFaggot wrote: »

Umm, well I know this because he actually told me

Please dont take offence, none is intended. I really dont want to upset anyone,

Why do you think he would think that way and say it to you.
Obviously you knew him.

And I too send sympathies for your loss.

McKneff

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

Just to say that the thing about grief is that whatever you are feeling is normal. It doesn't mean you always have to express those feelings but you don't have to deny them either. People are just trying to help. They aren't necessarily succeeding of course but do try to keep in mind that this is their goal. They want to help you resume a version of 'normal' life but whatever feels right for you now is normal.

That said, don't think you can predict what you might want in the future. Someone close to me who lost their husband referred to feeling like you were on a ship in a rough sea - you batten down the hatches, hunker down and eventually the sea settles and you have to look out and take your bearings in the new world. You might continue to feel the same but you might feel different and the thing is you don't know yet. So don't feel you have to make decisions for the future, just make them for now.

As for your husband saying he was scared of you meeting someone else, maybe this was just one part of what he thought and at other times he might have thought differently. It would be normal enough for him to have a mix of feelings on this and it's good that he felt able to express this to you, it says something about the strength of your relationship. But please don't let this become a focus. Whatever he did or didn't think, you still have a life and you need to live it, however it may end up being shaped.

And my sympathies on your loss.

Good post there Belfastgirl (hope youre doing okay now) and sensitively thought out before posting.:A

Errata

It seems to me that you're looking for answers to some quite specific questions you have in your mind. I think Cruse would be able to help you discover those answers. I don't think your GP will - indeed they may suggest you contact your local Cruse as a first step.

JCS1

My mother was widowed at the age of 49.

She found it incredibly difficult to go out socially after - we are in a small, village, with a very tight knit community - but it's difficult to go places on your own when everyone else is in couples.

I used to get invited to some events with my Mother, but then I kind of resented that, feeling that I was replacing him on social occasions.

There's no right or wrong thing to do, you are still grieving, so take your time and do things at your own pace.

tw1nklestar

Hi - I just have a couple of things to say and i hope they will make sense. Many years ago - about 15 - a mum from school got diagnosed with cancer and died within weeks - she was scared and full of panic (as would i have been) and her dying breath she told her husband she did not ever want him to meet anyone else coz she loved him so much - at the time I could understand how she felt, but i can say it did for many years ( and so much guilt) it stopped her husband and very young children moving on = move on 15 years and my dad has been diagnosed with incurrable cancer - stage 4 bowel cancer with liver and lung mets - his initial feelings would have been as the mum from school - panic and scared but since op and chemo (still living under a life limiting illness) the panic has subsided somewhat and with clarity of mind having accepted and taken in all that has been said (diagnosis June and op in July) he has been given time. When his time is up all he wants is for my mum and us to to be happy and to be able to look back with happy memories - not that my mum will ever move on - they have been married over 50 years - but i do think it takes time and acceptance of an illness to not see it in a panic - I hope this make sense

mountainofdebt

NuttyFaggot wrote: »

My husband of a few months, (we married 2 weeks after he was diagnosed with terminal cancer, although we had planned on getting wed for years) died last year and I am still having a bad time but a few things are really beginning to annoy me.

I have only been out socially twice since he died, that is my choice because I don't want to go out without him. I keep reading posts on various web sites that say that if people had a happy, loving relationship, then the dead partner would want the one alive to be happy and find love in another relationship. Can somebody explain that to me because I know my husband would be really p155ed off with that, in fact he was frightened about it.

Another, the more important(!) thing is before I met my husband, my parents used to go abroad every Xmas, saying you don't mind if we go away, do you. No I didn't mind. Now they keep ringing me up asking what I'm doing, would I like to go to theirs, we don't want you being alone. What? You didn't mind going away when I was single but now I'm widowed it makes a difference?

Any advice, good or bad, or just sharing your stories would be good

I think, as with all things in this caterogy, there are no hard and fast rules as to how you behave - it boils down to what you feel is right for you.

With regards to the going out bit I can understand what the websites are saying. For me there is a difference between my partner dying and me going out on the town a week after and my partner dying and then, after a period of time that I feel comfortable with going out and basically living again and not just existing.

Could it be that your partner, whilst he knew he was dying was frightened of you forgetting him if you had another relationship rather than being frightened of you having another relationship?

And yes I do think, with regards to your parents, it makes a difference you being single as opposed to being widowed......especially if you aren't going out - perhaps its their way of saying that they're worried about you ?

Contessa

NuttyFaggot wrote: »

Ognum, thanks for you reply. I do know my mum looked up to my husband, both literally and metaphorically, but (and this sounds awful) she needs to deal with his death, same as I do, she can't look to me because I can't help her - is that wrong? Does CRUSE have a forum?

People grieve for the same person in different ways. Your mother's grief is different from yours. It's very understandable that you can't help your mother as your own awful loss is maybe as much or too much for you to bear. Sometimes,with bereavement, the people close to us, who we would expect to be able to support us can't. Perhaps it's too painful for your mum to see her daughter grieving? Also, people can "expect" grief to follow a timetable and to be "finished" after a set time. Those who have been bereaved know it doesn't happen like this.
Take care of yourself-listen to your instincts, and do or don't do, what is right for you.

robpw2

whilst im sorry for your loss could i ask you to change your username , its not very nice

Torry_Quine

Grief is a very individual and personal thing and there is no right way to grieve just your way. That said the usual advice is not to make any major decisions in the first year.

I wish you well in whatever you do