"Post Bereavement" Advice Would Be Appreciated

NuttyFaggot

My husband of a few months, (we married 2 weeks after he was diagnosed with terminal cancer, although we had planned on getting wed for years) died last year and I am still having a bad time but a few things are really beginning to annoy me.

I have only been out socially twice since he died, that is my choice because I don't want to go out without him. I keep reading posts on various web sites that say that if people had a happy, loving relationship, then the dead partner would want the one alive to be happy and find love in another relationship. Can somebody explain that to me because I know my husband would be really p155ed off with that, in fact he was frightened about it.

Another, the more important(!) thing is before I met my husband, my parents used to go abroad every Xmas, saying you don't mind if we go away, do you. No I didn't mind. Now they keep ringing me up asking what I'm doing, would I like to go to theirs, we don't want you being alone. What? You didn't mind going away when I was single but now I'm widowed it makes a difference?

Any advice, good or bad, or just sharing your stories would be good

Millie2008_2

I am so sorry to bear this. I guess people try to do what they feel is for the best, but then they could never know what is for the best, because they can't possibly realise how you are feeling.
Have you thought about bereavement counselling? Or if you don't feel that this is appropriate, maybe google CRUSE, as there is lots of advice on there

NuttyFaggot

Millie thank you. I did contact the hospice bereavement service some months ago but they said that as I wasn't depressed (which I'm not, I am sad) and that as I had people to talk to, I didn't need counselling

ognum

NF I am so sorry for your loss. Can I suggest you find someone to talk everything through with who is none judgemental and a good listener. I do work for CRUSE bereavement care as a volunteer. We are all trained and qualified to listen and help. No two bereaved people are the same, all have different issues and someone to talk these through with without being inviolved with the situation is a useful starting point to get you head around your loss.

Cruse have local branches and a website you can google but there are many voluntary groups that will help you. I have worked with people who have been bereaved many years ago and still have issues they need to work through.

As far as you parents are concerned they are probably just showing you they care. When you were single they felt you were tough and able and now they feel you are more vulnerable. THey have also lost their relationship with your husband and are probably grieving too.

McKneff

Can somebody explain that to me because I know my husband would be really p155ed off with that, in fact he was frightened about it.

How do you know this, and what do you actually mean when you say that he would be pi55ed off about it and that he was frightened about it, I truly don't understand

CRANKY40

I will pm you with an internet forum that you may find useful.

NuttyFaggot

Ognum, thanks for you reply. I do know my mum looked up to my husband, both literally and metaphorically, but (and this sounds awful) she needs to deal with his death, same as I do, she can't look to me because I can't help her - is that wrong? Does CRUSE have a forum?

NuttyFaggot

McKneff wrote: »

Can somebody explain that to me because I know my husband would be really p155ed off with that, in fact he was frightened about it.

How do you know this, and what do you actually mean when you say that he would be pi55ed off about it and that he was frightened about it, I truly don't understand

Umm, well I know this because he actually told me

meer53

I think you're perfectly normal and that a year is a really short time to come to terms with your husbands passing away. There's nothing wrong at all with feeling the way you do and not wanting to go out, but this will change for you. Just because your husband said he was worried about you moving on and having a relationship with someone else doesn't mean that you're going to be single for ever more. The way you feel will gradually change over time, and you'll accept that he's not here anymore and that you are allowed to be happy again without him.
As for your parents, it's clear from what you write that they care about you and are worried about you. If they weren't they wouldn't be asking you what you're doing.
From my experience sadness and depression can be very closely linked, it's difficult to know where to draw the line. I'd make an appointment to have a chat with your GP or the bereavement team again if you still feel the same in a few months. I struggled with my "sadness" for 18 months before asking my GP for help, i should have gone much sooner. I tried a mild antidepressant and they helped me so much.
Good luck xx

NuttyFaggot

meer53, thank you, you have nearly made me feel normal, as per my OP, some people think it is "normal" for people to embark on other relationships quite soon after the death of a husband/partner.

I honestly don't believe I am depressed but will heed your advice, I will got to my GP if things don't improve (although they do see me monthly due to an ongoing medical problem)

meer53

NuttyFaggot wrote: »

meer53, thank you, you have nearly made me feel normal, as per my OP, some people think it is "normal" for people to embark on other relationships quite soon after the death of a husband/partner.

I honestly don't believe I am depressed but will heed your advice, I will got to my GP if things don't improve (although they do see me monthly due to an ongoing medical problem)

You're welcome
My ex and i split up 9 years ago. I'm quite happy still being on my own, but some people seem to think i'm strange for not wanting another relationship. I'm not dismissing the idea but i'm not out looking for someone else either, if it happens it happens, i'm not fussed one way or the other. I'm completely over my ex and have been for some years now, but everyone is different aren't they ?