Bereavements

January20

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I think that what you're describing is considerably different from what the OP has said about her situation.

Why pick on my post? Is it any different to post 2 for instance? You have no idea how I felt 16 years after their death - the stage the OP is at? we all grieve in different ways. We all move on at a different pace. You have no idea from the few lines I wrote how I feel about it now.

Is your post any use to the OP? At least I was trying!

Oldernotwiser

January20 wrote: »

Why pick on my post? Is it any different to post 2 for instance? You have no idea how I felt 16 years after their death - the stage the OP is at? we all grieve in different ways. We all move on at a different pace. You have no idea from the few lines I wrote how I feel about it now.

Is your post any use to the OP? At least I was trying!

Why jump down my throat, particularly when you seem to have misunderstood my comment.

cavework

Hi OP ..
You are not strange at all.
Have you thought about building up a history book about your grandad?
You start with his birth , his siblings, his marrage,military service ( if he had one) his occupation ..etc
Add anything and everything you find , letters , photo.s anything.
This will help you to understand that although your grandad has died , he had a full and interesting life and now he is gone, but he has left a footprint in history that remains.

jud!th

I'm training to be a counsellor, and I'm sure that a bereavement counsellor (or any counsellor) would not think you were at all stupid for going for counselling now.

There are places that do free or means-tested counselling - if you don't get on with the first counsellor you meet, or you feel they don't really 'get' you, do try again. I've found counselling really helpful and worth it myself.

hth Steph.

Judith

meritaten

There is NO time limit on grief or grieving! If you feel a counsellor could help then by all means arrange to see one! does your grandad have a grave you could go to and pour all this out? or was he cremated?
if you have a strong love or bond for someone as a child then, tbh, missing them never really goes away - but, in your case it seems to be affecting you and your life still.

I understand that in the past parents 'sheltered' children from the harsh realities of life - little realising that it wasnt 'for the best'. a funeral can be a great comfort strangely enough! Children dont really notice how badly someone is looking - all they see is someone they love, so its cruel not to allow them to see their favourite people even if they are, er 'in extremis'.
I wasnt allowed at my grandads funeral either - and it took me ages to get my head around the fact that he had died! I was with him the evening he died and although I am told how ill he was - to me he was just grandad and I didnt notice any difference in him! I was about 9 I think. It was only a couple of hours after we got home mum suddenly rushed out and came back a while later in a state. she just blurted out to me 'Granchers dead' then took to her bed until the funeral! Then had a nervous breakdown so that time is filled with tiptoeing around mum rather than coming to terms with my lovely Granchers death.
I do think of him often as I am the family history researcher - so am able to pump all the rellies for thier stories of Nan and Granch and everyone else they knew - Lovely! I probably know more about Granch (and Nan and their parents) than my OWN parents!

Armchair23

Of course there is no fixed time for grief and grieving. But mostly we all hope that as time passes we find ways to live with our loss and remember the good times as well.

If a counsellor helps you move past the 'sticky bits' of your grandad's death that's great. But on the other hand raking over old and painful thoughts and things and not feeling any easier afterwards isn't helpful.

We've lost the knack of talking about death, dying and loss as part of our lives. So it's really difficult to talk about how you feel without people running a mile.

My very best wishes and hopes that you feel more comfortable with your loss as time passes.

(that sounds really stuffy but I just hope things get better XX)

stephga23

Thank you all for taking the time to reply and your kind words you have offered.

I think I will book an appointment with someone and talk through things.

Thank you again

Steph

Savvy_Sue

stephga23 wrote: »

I feel like I should be 'over' this and not feel like I miss him so much after all of these years, I've contemplated going to see a bereavement counsellor but I think they might think I'm stupid going after all of these years?

Have you ever been through something like this, is it 'normal' to still feel like this?

The thing is, whether you 'should' be over this or not, you clearly 'feel' that you're not, so why is it 'stupid' to do something about it? As for whether it's 'normal', the issue is that it's bothering you, so again, why not do something about it?

stephga23 wrote: »

I think I will book an appointment with someone and talk through things.

I'm glad to hear it, and I hope you find it helpful.

FWIW, I think the best thing to do is be honest about feelings of grief, loss etc. There is no point pretending we feel other than how we actually feel: that's when the problems really start!

BitterAndTwisted

Very well put Savvy_Sue. How wise you are