Bereavements

stephga23

Good evening all,

I just wondered what your thoughts were on the below.

I had a really close relationship with my Grandad when I was growing up, sadly he passed away when I was 8 years old. I'm 24 now.

This may seem really strange but I still after all these years really miss him, my family know this and understand as I was like his shadow, everywhere he went I went, even to the bookies at age three

I wasn't allowed to go to his funeral as my parents thought I was too young, in the hospital they came and told me and wouldn't let me see him. I totall agree this was the best decision they made at the time, but I wonder if they did if it would have provided me with some form of closure?

I do try and talk bout him and all of my memories with him especially when other family members do, but I have to leave the room as I get so upset. The anniversary of his death is today and I haven't been able to really concentrate nd been quite down all day.

I have photos of him around my house and mutter away to them sometimes ( I'm not crazy I promise)

I feel like I should be 'over' this and not feel like I miss him so much after all of these years, I've contemplated going to see a bereavement counsellor but I think they might think I'm stupid going after all of these years?

Have you ever been through something like this, is it 'normal' to still feel like this?

Kind regards

Steph

brians_daughter

My Nan died when i was 11, some 25 years ago and not a day goes by where i dont talk to her.

I have come to the conculsion that all the nice memories of toasting marsh,ellows on the fire, bedtime stories and making snow angels are a kind of dream land from when i was young with no responsibility and no worry iykwim?

Person_one

I'm sorry you're struggling, you should absolutely go to a bereavement counsellor, or a 'general' counsellor if you know what I mean, ask your GP for a referral. They won't think you're stupid at all, they are there to help not to judge and they understand that everybody is different when it comes to grief.

dzug1

stephga23 wrote: »

I wasn't allowed to go to his funeral as my parents thought I was too young, in the hospital they came and told me and wouldn't let me see him. I totall agree this was the best decision they made at the time, but I wonder if they did if it would have provided me with some form of closure?

It might have done - or it could have exacerbated the situation. It can go both ways and it's very difficult to predict the effect on a child. It can seem OK at the time and then come out years later.

Errata

It's natural to miss someone you were very close to as a child, but ask yourself if your grandad would want you to continually be upset for years because he's no longer around?

Oldernotwiser

Is there something else going on in your life that has brought all this to the surface?

I also think that counselling is a good idea and would suggest you contact Cruse who have a helpline.

http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/

SandC

I think counselling is a good idea too. But there is nothing abnormal about the way you are feeling, remember that too.

I think when we get to adulthood we think about these things more and analyse everything that happened.

My mum died when I was 10 and I didn't go to the funeral either. Looking back I understand why my dad and relatives decided me and my brother shouldn't and I would never hold it against them, but in hindsight I think it might have given me some closure. Still, nothing I can do about it now!

I have to say I haven't spent all those years 'missing' her but it comes and goes. I do honestly believe that I didn't grieve properly though. But what is grief and what is normal? I was back at school in less than a week because all I wanted was normality. I lost my father a couple of years ago and I think I did my grieving for him some years before as we had essentially lost him to poor health which reduced him to virtually nothing in those years. I am very guilty of wondering how on earth people need a month off work for bereavements but realise it's maybe just how I deal with things.

Since Princess Diana died there's been a whole lot more outward shows of emotion and less 'stiff upper lip'. I mean, it's only been a few years since folks starting kissing each other all the time. It seems normal but I remember going to France in the 90s and having to get used to all the kissing. It's a really new thing that we are all so tactile. In fairness I still don't feel comfortable with it.

I think the way to look at is this. If you feel that there's unfinished business and that there is something there that is stopping you from living your life to the full or that you need to let something out, then go and find some counselling.

Just be prepared for it opening a floodgate (remember Bruce Willis on Friends ).

With bereavement though, the relationship with the person makes a lot of difference, the time you spent you spent together, all kinds of things. Remember you don't 'get over it' but you do need to 'get on with it'.

January20

My grandparents died when I was 12. I am 48 now. I remember the details like it was yesterday. I too was not allowed to go to the funeral. I think of them often, I regret they weren't in my life for longer, and whenever I go back home, one of my visits is to their grave. I think it's normal when people mattered to you.

babymoo

Awww hun I understand how you feel. My dear Nanna passed away 11 years ago and it still feels as raw as it did the day I heard. I was lucky enough to attend her funeral and don't feel I got any closure from it because I didn't actually say goodbye to Nanna, mum thought she was doing the right thing in keeping me away when she was so poorly that in the end she died without me being able to see her again.

When my grandad passed away in 2005 I was absolutely adamant that I would be able to say my goodbyes and mum never stopped me. This to me felt like closure. I know its not the same but I wrote a letter to my nanna telling her everything I would have said had I got chance to say goodbye and telling her about my life up to that point since she had left. I then addressed it to nanna and put a stamp on it and popped it into the postbox. I have absolutely no idea where the letter ended up but I feel like she knows now what I wanted to say and it gave me some closure.

It is normal to miss our departed loved ones but I agree with the other posters, perhaps some bereavement counselling would be a good start for you aswell. Take care hun and light a candle for him this christmas, I do 1 for Nanna and 1 for Grandad every year.

Oldernotwiser

January20 wrote: »

My grandparents died when I was 12. I am 48 now. I remember the details like it was yesterday. I too was not allowed to go to the funeral. I think of them often, I regret they weren't in my life for longer, and whenever I go back home, one of my visits is to their grave. I think it's normal when people mattered to you.

I think that what you're describing is considerably different from what the OP has said about her situation.

Mupette

I was a shadow to my gramps too, when he died i was so upset, but as i was a little older (15) i did go to his funeral.

I do what you do, i have his pictures, i remember the day he died each and every year, and tell him of my lie events,

When DS was born i told gramps there was another one for him to watch over etc..

it's not so much feeling sad for me now, but think of the fond memories of him and i, how i was the only grandchild allowed to share his trifle (a small thing that makes me smile)

I was the first grandchild to be born when nan and gramps married (both had preivious marriages) i was always told i was special because of that. And i truely felt it too