Am I unreasonable?

londonsurrey

I take your point about you having the right to offer a point of view. The point I raised was not about your view differing from mine, but to emphasise and protect the OP from the assumptions that would put pressure on her by playing on any deep seated guilt she has about the whole thing, and why it's different from a straightforward poor harmless nice old neighbour who just wants a bit of company.

theposhbint

Nicki wrote: »

Lots of older people are a bit cantankerous, and don't devote as much time to the younger generation as we would sometimes like or expect as our due.

The question, I guess is, do you feel comfortable turning away the (possibly widowed, grieving his loss at Christmas as most bereaved spouses do?) man who raised your husband, to spend Christmas completely alone when you have food and drink to spare? Personally, if I knew an elderly neighbour was completely alone on Christmas Day, I'd do something to include them, and no question at all about a family member.

I appreciate the advice although I have to say that he is not widowed/ grieving/elderly. Nor will he be completely alone at Christmas. He has a daughter and brother who both try and get him involved at this time of the year. He chooses not to go.

I actually did invite him a few years ago to spend the day with us. It seems that was the start of it all as every year after that he assumes he should be there - how dare we go out! I appreciate he wants to see us at Christmas and have always arranged something if we weren't going to be in on Xmas day, for example boxing day/christmas eve. But this isn't good enough as we still get a knock on the door at 9am on the 25th!

newcook

call him and tell him if he is coming around at xmas to not come until 1pm as you want to have the morning with your OH and children and get things ready for the afternoon

or go to his at 8.30 and say 'thought we'd come to you this year!'

the_cat

I guess the main question is... do you want to keep the peace for the sake of your OH? If this is your main priority then you have little choice but to put up with it.

If not, you might have to put up with it this year, if you are not prepared to have a row and refuse him entry (assuming you are at home this year?) Then next year arrange to NOT be there when he turns up. Don't answer your phone (or do and refuse to come home/accomodate him) He is a grown man. He can either sit on the doorstep all day, phone, whinge etc or make other arrangements

newcook

the_cat wrote: »

I guess the main question is... do you want to keep the peace for the sake of your OH? If this is your main priority then you have little choice but to put up with it.

If not, you might have to put up with it this year, if you are not prepared to have a row and refuse him entry (assuming you are at home this year?) Then next year arrange to NOT be there when he turns up. Don't answer your phone (or do and refuse to come home/accomodate him) He is a grown man. He can either sit on the doorstep all day, phone, whinge etc or make other arrangements

I agree - though Id also say to tell him months in advance that you wont be in and tell your inlaws as well so they can keep asking him to go there!

Treed

There is not much you can do other than speak to your FIL and ask him.. Unless you plan on ignoring the situation all together and pretending to be else where then you will have to deal with it every year.
Do you want to spend christmas with him? is it just the fact that he turns up un invited that bothers you?
Dealing with the christmas ordeal first will start things off, then eventually you can come round to speaking about him visiting more and having a bigger role in your lifes.

Good luck! Dont stress, its christmas day! make the most out of the situation

theposhbint

newcook wrote: »

call him and tell him if he is coming around at xmas to not come until 1pm as you want to have the morning with your OH and children and get things ready for the afternoon

or go to his at 8.30 and say 'thought we'd come to you this year!'

I'm loving this idea! :rotfl:

theposhbint

Treed wrote: »

There is not much you can do other than speak to your FIL and ask him.. Unless you plan on ignoring the situation all together and pretending to be else where then you will have to deal with it every year.
Do you want to spend christmas with him? is it just the fact that he turns up un invited that bothers you?
Dealing with the christmas ordeal first will start things off, then eventually you can come round to speaking about him visiting more and having a bigger role in your lifes.

Good luck! Dont stress, its christmas day! make the most out of the situation

To be honest I think its the fact that he turns up uninvited. I wouldn't dream of doing that to anyone, just pitch up and expect to be fed (and insult the host, what i'm wearing, feeding the children etc) regardless of what day it is! I've often thought of inviting him but then on the other hand think 'well he'll turn up anyway'.

We wont be here this year, we are going out around 10. Its going to be a rush getting ready by that time & enjoying the morning with the little ones, i really don't need a visitor on top of it all!

We have told him already we wont be here, and arranged to do something boxing day. At last I think he's got the message but then at the end of the conversation says 'but you'll be in on christmas day wont you?' No!!!! its like talking to a brick wall.

Every year I think, I'm not going to stress over this again, but it happens.. it doesn't ruin the whole day, I just find it so rude and annoying!

newcook

theposhbint wrote: »

We have told him already we wont be here, and arranged to do something boxing day. At last I think he's got the message but then at the end of the conversation says 'but you'll be in on christmas day wont you?' No!!!! its like talking to a brick wall.

Every year I think, I'm not going to stress over this again, but it happens.. it doesn't ruin the whole day, I just find it so rude and annoying!

give him a call first thing xmas day to wish him happy christmas and also to remind him you are not in later but will see him tomorrow!!

Gigervamp

Couldn't his daughter or brother go and pick him up, perhaps on Christmas eve, so that he's physically elsewhere on the morning?