Am I unreasonable?

theposhbint

Ok, advice please. It's a long ole story but I'll try and keep it short.

Basically, my oh father's behaviour stresses me out every Christmas and I'm sick and tired of it!

We see him probably 4 times a year, despite him living in the same town probably 5 min drive away. He 'forgets' my birthday every year and has done for the last 4 years and sees his grandchildren birthdays & Christmas only. This isn't through lack of trying on our part by the way. We have often popped round to see him, to have a 5 min conversation on the doorstep where he refuses to let us in due to the 'state of the place'. We invite him out all the time but there's always a match on the tv at the time it seems.

To be honest he just doesn't seem interested in family, unless it suits him. He has a daughter & 2 further grandchildren that again rarely see him.

Anyway, every Christmas without fail he will appear at the doorstep at 9am with cans for himself to drink & expects to be fed & entertained until he falls asleep and we do it all again next year!

We have quite a large family and often aren't actually here on Xmas day, but he won't listen if we say we won't be here, instead he will just sit on the doorstep or call us to see when we will be home or at worst turn up at my mums/dads house.

OH will do anything to keep the peace bless him but this is the only stress at Christmas time around here! Am I being unreasonable?

Plans_all_plans

Well I wouldn't want my FIL to be on his own on Christmas Day and so I would always invite him, but at the same time he sounds like a right p1sstaker turning up on the doorstep having not been invited.

I think you should bring it up with him, be forthright "I think it's a bit of a mickey take that we hardly see you all year and then you turn up uninvited to our house on Christmas Day. We'd like to see you more often throughout the year, as well as Christmas."

Oh, and don't be offended that he forgets your birthday. I've never met a man who lives on his own who remembers other people's birthdays.

cte1111

I think your OH should contact his Dad prior to Xmas day and ask him around. Then you can be more in control of the arrangements. He clearly wants to spend the day with you all, despite not being good at keeping in touch on other dates, so it would be nice of you all to acknowledge that and include him.

theposhbint

Oh I'd never let him be on his own at Christmas, his daughter always invites him for the day. Occasionally he will go but all the while moan about where we are, why aren't we at home etc. It's as if he decides he wants to see us so we have to be available.

londonsurrey

He does seem to be singularly lacking in social graces and quite self serving. For some reason, be it loneliness or the expectation of being feted at Christmas, he wants your company (and food!) once a year. That is him. You are not going to change that.

Now, it is your call. Can you accept that your children's grandfather, such as he is, can be "bought" for the price of a Christmas meal once a year?

Or is that meal, with probably at least a few dozen other annoying traits, too high a price? That's ultimately the decision.

I do sympathise, as I had a poisonous MIL, and it's a personal thing, what you're willing to pay, as you're the one paying.

Don't let the fact that he turns up when you're not in on Christmas Day annoy you too much. He's a grown man, and if he's happy to sit on the doorstep, then let him. Not your responsibility.

BitterAndTwisted

Eh, he sounds like a selfish and ungrateful old git. I think it might be time to not be at home or round at your own parents next Christmas. Unless you thought that actively univiting him might not cut your husband to the quick I'd be thinking of doing that as well.

On the doorstep at 9am on Christmas day? I'm sorry, but I'd have shut the door in his face and told him to come back, if he must, at a decent hour. Like lunch-time.

meritaten

sounds to me like he turns up on the doorstep of his favourite son 'as its christmas' and considers his fatherly responsibilities done! I am sorry hun - but I find this funny! of course, it isnt funny for you is it? all I can suggest is that this christmas you tell him you wont be 'at home' - then bu99er off out all day!
what an old sod!
if you are going to be at home then invite him in - let him have a couple of drinks then OH drives him back to his home as (take your pick)
you are going out to visit your parents
you are having a christmas meal out with friends
you are helping out at the salvation army this year
you have a flight booked to Lapland for the kids
You are not celebrating christmas as you have all decided to convert to (any religion which doesnt celebrate christmas)
But you loved to see him and wish he would come more often!

Nicki

Lots of older people are a bit cantankerous, and don't devote as much time to the younger generation as we would sometimes like or expect as our due.

The question, I guess is, do you feel comfortable turning away the (possibly widowed, grieving his loss at Christmas as most bereaved spouses do?) man who raised your husband, to spend Christmas completely alone when you have food and drink to spare? Personally, if I knew an elderly neighbour was completely alone on Christmas Day, I'd do something to include them, and no question at all about a family member.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Is his home a mess? Are the cans from 9am an everyday occurrence?

He might not have it in him to do anything else.

londonsurrey

Nicki wrote: »

Lots of older people are a bit cantankerous, and don't devote as much time to the younger generation as we would sometimes like or expect as our due.

The question, I guess is, do you feel comfortable turning away the (possibly widowed, grieving his loss at Christmas as most bereaved spouses do?) man who raised your husband, to spend Christmas completely alone when you have food and drink to spare? Personally, if I knew an elderly neighbour was completely alone on Christmas Day, I'd do something to include them, and no question at all about a family member.

I'd do the same for any inoffensive lonely individual I knew, elderly or no.
However, precisely because the OP has a more involved relationship with the FIL, it's not up to us to judge how much mickey taking she HAS to take from him.

Nicki

londonsurrey wrote: »

I'd do the same for any inoffensive lonely individual I knew, elderly or no.
However, precisely because the OP has a more involved relationship with the FIL, it's not up to us to judge how much mickey taking she HAS to take from him.

OP asked for different points of view on the situation, and this is mine though? As the in put from others was requested, why is it wrong to offer it, just because it may not accord with yours?

By the way, I have in the past entertained a family member with rampant alcoholism who had behaved dreadfully to me and other members of my extended family throughout the year, rather than have him spend the day entirely alone, so my viewpoint is not completely hypothetical.