advice please on separation

clearingout

do you have a spare room or could you get your children to double up? If so, consider an au pair for childcare - they are very, very cheap compared with nannies. They are also there for you in terms of picking up/dropping off which means that you can do the hours at work that you need to and not worry. With two children, it will probably work out cheaper - or at least on a par with - paying for before and afterschool care. Have a google - there are agencies and introduction websites where you can register for free and get an idea of what sort of people are available and then take the plunge and register if you want to start contacting potential au pairs directly.

As for what benefits you might get, you will need first to get the child benefit transferred over to your name and this will entitle you to claim tax credits, assuming your income doesn't take you above the threshold. You will also then be able to claim maintenance from your wife, should she start working again (or make a claim on her benefits if she doesn't work).

You need to see a solicitor as soon as possible - do you have family locally? sometimes solicitors are best found through word of mouth, but I appreciate your reluctance to talk about what you intend to do given the situation.

One final thought is giving her an ultimatum to go to counselling with you to try and get things sorted - assuming you would like to try and save the marriage?

helpfordad

After dragging my feet again got home on monday to find the kids downstairs and her in bed s***faced.
Made her leave on tuesday and she has been at her mums since.

I have an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow and have sorted with work so I can work round dropping off and picking up the kids.

The one worry at the moment is she has been on and said she is moving back in and I cant stop her as the house is in joint names. I will be asking the solicitor tomorrow but has anyone any experience or advice on this. I think legally she is right but surely there must be something in law that says someone cant just move in and out of an house if they are causing issues with drinking etc?

alwaysbrassic

Im sorry i cant offer practical advice, but just want to send you best wishes.

Two very close members of my family have had a year of hell due to one of them being so dependant on alcohol. On the surface there isnt an issue, but the daily drinking, lunch time drinking, and basically a life revolving around drinking is taking its toll, not only on them but also on us close to them.

Even when it all came to a head, and promises were made to cut down on drinking, no progress has been made, and we are all waiting for the situation to implode again.

You have done the right thing, you are putting your children first. You need to stay strong, you cant rescue her, you need to save yourself and your children.

Hope it all works itself out.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Of course, if she drives to get to the house, there is no reason why you can't call the police and report her as a drink driver in progress.

InsertWittyName

You've done the right thing.

My situation is eerily similar to your own, only this was 25 years ago and I was one of the kids.

My mother was an alcoholic and used to make me throw the empty bottles etc. into the fields out back to hide them from my father.

He too got fed up of coming home from work and she would be drunk and asleep and supposed to be watching me.

I was about 7 when he finally kicked her out, then he had to go through the courts to get custody of me (which he did and it was relatively unheard of 25 years ago for the male parent to get custody).

My mother died an alcoholic around 15 years ago, at the age of 46.

Even today I massively appreciate what my father did for me back then, I wouldn't like to think what would have eventually happened or what my life would be like now if he hadn't. Your kids will thank you just the same.

daska

Yes, legally, if the house is in both names she is entitled to access to it and to live there if she chooses... BUT! The kids come first and the solicitor should be able to advise you on what steps you need to prevent that from happening. If the kids are at risk when she's around, which on the surface sounds as if it might be the case, then the court can order her not to come to the house, stay overnight, drink within x number of hours of seeing the kids etc. as appropriate. Before you go collect together as much evidence/information as possible - our solicitor was hugely impressed when I turned up at the first meeting with a reference pack with a list of all relevant names (detailing relationship to children, contact details etc), copy of DSD's birth certificate, ID for us etc. diary of relevant events and my chequebook! As she pointed out: "It's cheaper than waiting for us to write requesting it!"

geoffky

Please please remember at the end of the day your wife is very very ill and has a really bad illness...Do not forget this as i am sure no one chooses to become a alcoholic...i wish you both well..And your employer deserves a pat on the back..

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Oh yes, and if she were to take the children away, well, they'd be at risk with an alcoholic in charge.

So Social Services would be interested in that.