advice please on separation

helpfordad

Hi ill keep it brief(ish), if I start putting down everything I ll be here all night.

I am married with two children (primary school age)and have been having major problems with my wife with various issues.

We have recently sold up and bought a new house to start again but it isnt going well and I think it may be time to seperate.

The current issue is that for some time now she has been drinking too much, on several occasions I have come home from work to find her drunk, this wouldnt be an issue too much but for the fact that she is looking after the kids while I go to work.
She has previously been to an alcohol dependancy clinic for a few appointments after I insisted but to be honest it didnt make a great deal of difference.
We moved house two months ago and it was only a couple of weeks until she began drinking again, I have now tried everythng I can think of but she seems determined to just get drunk regardless. The last straw (again) tonight is me finding two bottles of wine and two bottles of vodka hidden in a suitcase in my sons bedroom.

I dont really know where to start which is where I need some advice.
I currently work full time while my wife is at home and looks after the kids. When I have mentioned about wanting her to move out she imediatly says she will go to her mums with the kids, I wont accept this due to her drinking. The first question is there a way legally to prevent her from taking the kids without my consent, she did say a week or so ago after another row she had applied for schools near her mums for the kids.
Can I make her leave the house which is in joint names if she will not stop drinking.
What if anything am I entitiled to benifit wise whilst I am in full time employment and if I was to quite my job what would I then be entitiled to if anything with regards the mortgage.
Has anybody any advice about child care? I have enquired about breakfast and after school clubs but these still wouldnt be enough for me to keep my current hours at work.

Thats it for now, thanks to anyone that can offer any advise.

tattycath

Hi. Just bumping up this thread for you.
Maybe if you could find out the trigger that makes her feel the need to drink-it might help. Other than that and trying to make sure your kids are safe-which will obviously be a priority for you. Good luck hope you get it sorted.

londonsurrey

One avenue to explore is speaking to the Citizens Advise Bureau. They are a good source of some legal advice, and more importantly, a really good signpost to various agencies that could help you with the various practical aspects. Good luck.

As for childcare, one possibility is to find a childminder who is willing to collect them from the after school club. And bear in mind that arrangements needn't be necessarily be for 5 days a week. When I was in charge of a team of programmers, one of the contractors used to leave work early 2 days a week, as they were the days he collected his children from school/after school club.

katerinasol

Do you know why she drinks? Would you be willing to stay with her if she didn't drink? On the other hand it may be a trigger to get her to reconsider her life, but alcoholics I knew didn't just get drunk for the sake of it - there was a psychological reason for it.

katerinasol

It won't let me edit, so... does she agree with you that it's becoming an issue?

daska

OK, been there (ish) with DSD's mum. In answer to your practical questions:

Yes you can, possibly, stop her taking them but it will require a court order - you could do it with her agreement but she can change her mind at any time! If you try to kick her out and keep hold of the kids she can just pick them up from school and they won't be able to stop her. If you're seriously considering this you NEED a solicitor, even if it's via the CAB or just for the free half hour consult most offer, because you need to know, realistically, what your options are rather than relying on internet advice. Ideally you need find a solicitor who's on the Children Panel, you can find one via the Law Society search. What I would say is tread carefully and if you want to go down this route don't breathe a whisper of it to anyone because if I were her I'd run.

Childcare, well the obvious answer is a childminder. What sort of hours do you need? If you're in receipt of tax credits you may qualify for some help with the costs. But if your wife is claiming the CB you might struggle to get the CTC and etc etc etc.

But really you need to work out why she's drinking and whether it's possible to eliminate the cause. And that means talking with her.

Caroline_a

If she is an alcoholic (or indeed any type of addict) then the 'cure' will have to come from her. Personally I would not leave anyone with a drink problem in charge of my children - I would start looking for ways of taking charge of this situation so that your children live with you, if only for their own safety and your peace of mind.

balletshoes

You're not a new user on MSE are you OP? I can understand if you're using a different sign-in because you are now at the stage of wanting out of the marriage, and keeping your children safe as well.

You need a solicitor.

helpfordad

Thanks for the advice.

No I am not a new user and have posted sinilar threads earlier in the year but didnt do anything about it and carried on in the hope things would change but here we are a year older and same old thing.
I have asked her lots of times why and tried to get her to explain with no luck. She has promised she will kick the booze now and I have said no booze at all at least for now, really dont know if this is the right way to go but have tried every combination of asking her to only drink once im in the house only at weekend etc and none of it has so far worked out.

did go to the citizens advice earlier in the year to ask for advice on some things but dont know if I just got unlucky because I didnt feel they were a great deal of help, got given some a4 sheets with listings of solicitors and that was it; I had been hoping for some actual advice but dont know if this was me expecting too much?

Childminders are I guess the way to go with the kids, sorry to sound thick but where would be best to look for qualified childminders would it be the local council?

My wife claims the child benifit or whatever its called so I guess I couldnt get help with the childcare unless that was transfered over to me.

doodoot

OP, as you probably already know there is nothing you can say or do to your wife to stop her from drinking - this comes from personal experience.

http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/Childcare/DG_181084

The above link will give you an ideas of options available to you with regards to childcare - enquire at your children's school if they know of any school shuttles who pick up/drop off schoolchildren from childminders/playgroups.

Also ask at work if flexible working is an option for you.

But as others have said, you really need to get some professional advice from a family law solicitor about having custody.

flutterby_lil

helpfordad wrote: »

Thanks for the advice.

No I am not a new user and have posted sinilar threads earlier in the year but didnt do anything about it and carried on in the hope things would change but here we are a year older and same old thing.
I have asked her lots of times why and tried to get her to explain with no luck. She has promised she will kick the booze now and I have said no booze at all at least for now, really dont know if this is the right way to go but have tried every combination of asking her to only drink once im in the house only at weekend etc and none of it has so far worked out.

did go to the citizens advice earlier in the year to ask for advice on some things but dont know if I just got unlucky because I didnt feel they were a great deal of help, got given some a4 sheets with listings of solicitors and that was it; I had been hoping for some actual advice but dont know if this was me expecting too much?

Childminders are I guess the way to go with the kids, sorry to sound thick but where would be best to look for qualified childminders would it be the local council?

My wife claims the child benifit or whatever its called so I guess I couldnt get help with the childcare unless that was transfered over to me.

I thought it sounded very similar to a past last year - get out and take the kids, tell her they are not safe with her as she isn't putting them first!!