how would you feel in this situation ?

brians_daughter

TBH if it was me (and i have had massive MIL issues in the past - infact the BEST thing about divorcing my ex was the fact i was no longer expected to listen to her rantings or let her continually make sly remarks lol!) I would be thankful she didnt expect/offer for me to tag along with them

But, if you wish to have some relationship with her, and i understand why you may wish to, maybe you should sit down with your oh and discuss how you are going to tackle the situ and just have a word with her. Just something simple like 'did you have a nice time shopping? Next time you go i would love to come if thats possible?' it shows you are wanting/willing to spend time with her/them but leaves the ball in her court

pinkclouds

rebeccaxoxo wrote: »

I totally agree with you, i dont think that they did it to deliberately hurt him, i didnt mean that at all. What I meant was that after they booked the first time we explained why we couldnt go and that we would love to so could we perhaps book something for another time that we could all attend as well. They booked another meal but again did it at the same time knowing that we cant go , but invited us anyway? I just dont really understand them sometimes

Both my dad and my eldest BIL would have just taken the baby along, regardless of the time. Neither of them would think about leaving the kids behind and would assume they were welcome as a family unit. However, I personally would send hubby on his own and put the kids to bed at the usual time on my own. Maybe they thought you'd bring the baby and let him nap in his stroller? I reckon it's down to personal choice. It's never harmed me to go along to any "late" night parties as a young child and it doesn't seem to harm my kids to not go along to any such events. Most little ones will sleep through anything, if they are tired.

mountainofdebt

Of course - and again I don't know what sort of restuarant had been booked - but have you thought that it might not have been exactly child friendly? tbh I can't imagine anything worse (either as a parent or as a fellow diner) to have a child as young as yours in an 'inappropriate' resturant.

Instead of complaining to them about their choices why not suggest everyone coming over to yours for a buffet style meal (although I can appreciate it if you don't feel like being so pregnant) or going to somewhere where children are welcome during the day?

As my mum would say - kill them with kindness!

January20

rebeccaxoxo wrote: »

=

In regards to visiting their attitude couldnt be nicer towards me, although they dont actually speak to me too often unless i initiate it. They go on and on about having my son over night which im not comfortable with yet , with anyone not just them, and so i try to make as much time for them to see him or have him for a few hours as possible. Whenever they take me up on these offers, they pick him up from my house and leave within minutes ( literally) and do the same when they bring him back, there is no small talk at all.

You're too nice. They treat you like rubbish, don't talk to you, make it obvious they don't approve of you and yet they get their reward which is to take your son out? Really? If it was me, it would be a case of "you are nicer and more polite to me or you don't get to see your grandchild" because goodness knows what your son is exposed to when you are not around ie comments about you, religious stuff etc.

It's great that being religious makes them so much better people (insert sarcastic roll eyes smiley)

rebeccaxoxo

January20 wrote: »

You're too nice. They treat you like rubbish, don't talk to you, make it obvious they don't approve of you and yet they get their reward which is to take your son out? Really? If it was me, it would be a case of "you are nicer and more polite to me or you don't get to see your grandchild" because goodness knows what your son is exposed to when you are not around ie comments about you, religious stuff etc.

It's great that being religious makes them so much better people (insert sarcastic roll eyes smiley)

That was exactly how i felt about it to begin with and it took me a wee while to make myself let them watch him for an hour or too. but the conflict was causing my OH to worry no end and I couldnt watch him hurting like that when all i had to do was something simple to fix it.
Dont get me wrong though Ill be keeping a very close eye on what they are doing with him and the moment I get wind of him picking up anything I dont approve of( nothing trivial just in case they start taking him to church or somethin) then Ill be letting them know they cant do that in no uncertain terms.

Believe though Im not too nice i just think i sometimes try too hard to please everybody and its just not possible..

jackyann

I think I have realised from one of your posts that you are still quite young (are you 21-22ish now?) and I think at that age it seems quite important to get on with OH's family and please everyone (does you credit!)
As you get older, I think most of us learn that can be a hiding to nothing!

My advice is always this:

Do keep up the official obligations (or give an apology with a reason for not attending) - this is for 2 reasons:
1. it means they can't criticise you for not going & 2. should things improve between you, it gives a framework to enable a relationship to develop.
Don't get dragged into intimate, chatty situations where you will be criticised, or encouraged to disclose information about your relationship.
Don't get upset by decisions made by other parts of the family - they may be for good or bad reasons, but you'll go mad thinking about it!
Don't criticise them to your own family - they will understand your silences
And do get support from your other family & friends.
Good luck in Jan!

Person_one

mountainofdebt wrote: »

Of course - and again I don't know what sort of restuarant had been booked - but have you thought that it might not have been exactly child friendly? tbh I can't imagine anything worse (either as a parent or as a fellow diner) to have a child as young as yours in an 'inappropriate' resturant.

When you actually care about someone you want to include them. I've eaten at some shocking restaurants in the last couple of years, and spent more time than ever before in baby changing rooms, or sat kicking my heels while babies feed, because I actually care about my SIL and my niece and nephew (both under two, you're in for a fun time OP!) and I WANT to spend time with them, I WANT them to feel as though they are welcome in my family.

When you really want to spend time with people you make it happen, even if that means highchairs, crayons and cheap food when you'd prefer candlelight and caviar.

londonsurrey

Don't worry too much about your OH feeling hurt unless he indicates he is - most men are more fussed about the wife and mother not kicking off than the niceties of who invited who, etc.

The other thing is to allow yourself to be straightforwardly and coolly assertive. The next time you get another invitation for an unsuitable hour, simply state "Thank you for the thought, but as you know, we can only accept invitations for x time. You know that dinners after x time will not be attended by us." And look straight at her if she's there, and then stay calmly quiet.

You'll be surprised by how people don't like simple silence when glaring problems caused by them are not allowed to be covered by senseless chatter. Any "Oh, but we thought..." attempts by her to recover can be met by simple "As stated before, we will be unable to attend dinners after x time". More calm silence, looking straight at her. Etc.

blue_monkey_2

Don't worry about them. Tolerate them WHEN you have to. That is when they make the effort to see you.

Your OH clearly wants to spend time with you and your son, not them. They are jealous I am afraid and their way of showing this is by 'leaving you out'. You have stolen her son, let them get on with being a 'family' and be happy with your OH and the baby, as he has said, that is your family now. You owe none of them explanations nor do you need acceptance.

Do not feel left out, it is a negative waste of energy. And no, she does not get to have the baby overnight when she has treated you so badly, the baby is not 'hers' and she has no right to have him overnight at all. If your OH wants to spend time with you and not with them then let it be, do not encourage him to go out. He is happy with you, he wants to be with you and they do not like this. Tough, they lose. If they were nicer to you then he would want to go and see them more and this is their problem, not yours.

Life changes when you have a baby, you do not have time to drop things the minute someone expects. Let them get on with their jealous comments and family meals together.

My 'family' have untold family meals arranged by my sister and never invites me. I don't really care tbh. I do not owe anyone any favours, money or have to ensure their selfish personalities where they talk only of themselves. I have no time for people like that and none of them are very nice. I wonder if we came from the same family or if I was adopted, LOL.

The question I always ask myself is this: If they were a work colleague - would you like these people and would you want to spend time with them? If the answer is no then you have your answer. Tolerate them only when you have to, enjoy your life and be happy with your OH without worrying whether or not you have done your 'duty' in visiting them and don;t bother going out of your way for them - it is easy to be too busy, LOL.

He has chosen spending time with you over them. You harlot, LOL!! They know where you live, let them go out of their way to visit you and see the baby if they want!! It'll be their lose if they do not as your baby will know no different and your husband is clearly not bothered. He is probably relieved to get away from her.

They sound........ lovely. Do a swap?

claire16c

Person_one wrote: »

When you actually care about someone you want to include them. I've eaten at some shocking restaurants in the last couple of years, and spent more time than ever before in baby changing rooms, or sat kicking my heels while babies feed, because I actually care about my SIL and my niece and nephew (both under two, you're in for a fun time OP!) and I WANT to spend time with them, I WANT them to feel as though they are welcome in my family.

When you really want to spend time with people you make it happen, even if that means highchairs, crayons and cheap food when you'd prefer candlelight and caviar.

I agree. When my SIL is down with out niece we always go somewhere like a family pub if we go out for a meal, so we know that other diners wont care if she kicked up a fuss about something and there are high chairs etc. Weve been on shopping trips and Ive taken her to the loo 8 times whilst her mum has a quick look round and tries something on, and yesterday we went to London for the day and I made sure that all the activites revolved around interesting stuff for the little one, when yes I might have liked to have popped in a shop myself, but thats not the point of the day when someone is visiting is it!

Op - when your MIL rang to tell your OH about the 2nd meal - where they had booked it for 8 and you had previously told them it was too late, why didnt either your or your OH - whoever was on the phone or in person with her, just say 'Oh could you please book it for a bit earlier, say 7? Because that way we can come.'

It seems odd you didnt just ask? Or why not ring her now and say actually wed really like to come but would it be ok to make it earlier? If you dont ask - dont get!