how would you feel in this situation ?

globetraveller

It could be that it never entered their heads to ask you- as town at this time of the year is the last place you would want to be. However, if it is a snub then remember, its their loss. They must be very shallow to purely put religion above family bonds.
You've done your bit. Don't let it fester. Many families are not close. As long as your fiance is living with the situation, then just get on with living your life happily. Its the best way of sticking two fingers up at them:)

candygirl

If it's any consolation hun my 1st MIL was a total shiote stirring witch, 2nd one was fab but bonkers and this one is ok, but not really my cup of tea:D:D
As long as you, OH and the kids are happy together that's the main thing;):D

aliasojo

rebeccaxoxo wrote: »

Its the little things that they do to hurt my OH that annoy me, they deliberately booked two meals for when his sis is over from New Zealand and both of them are for 8.00 or later, I know at home they normally eat at like 5 or 5.30 at the latest yet when they are going out it has to be late ? We are then unable to attend as we dont have a babysitter and our son needs to be in bed by 7.30 or he'll go hysterical ( we've tried it a fair few times before).

See, I do really agree that MIL could be nicer, but I'm not sure your thoughts are completely fair either?

We (and most people we know) tend to eat dinner around 5pm-6pm too, but if we were going out for a meal, we'd book for later as well.

It would be an evening out, not just to eat iyswim?

I'm not sure you're being fair by thinking they do this deliberately to hurt your OH?

mountainofdebt

Ok here's my take on it:

MIL has obviously never 'forgiven' you for not having her (first?) grandchild baptised - and only apologised in order to see her grandchild.

You in turn have never forgotten her comment when you miscarried and whilst I know it was insensitive of her, people (especially of the older generation) do make comments like this ...sometimes without intending to be nasty.

Roll forward to your SIL's visit. I don't know how long she's been in the country and I don't know how your suggestion was phrased but I must admit if I'd flown half way around the world, and asked if I (effectively) wanted to babysit a nephew I hadn't clapped eyes on the saturday before Christmas I probably would have said no as well. Are you sure that, even though it wasn't meant as a request for them to babysit they could have interpreted it that way?

Now I know that the reason they declined because they were doing a girlie day shopping but as others have said I think at 8 months pregnant I would have said no as well; that doesn't mean to say it wouldn't have been nice to have the opportunity to say no!

What is interesting is that you say you haven't had an argument with them recently but visit them regularly - what's their attitude to you like then?

The other thing to think of is what was MIL like with your OH's previous girlfriends? Perhaps no-one is good enough for him so its just not you?

What's your relationship like wiith your SIL/ the girlfriend? Why not ask them if there's anything that MIL perceives you've done to incur the attitude? If you don't know if there is a problem, perceived or otherwise then you're just wandering in the dark trying to fix it.

rebeccaxoxo

aliasojo wrote: »

See, I do really agree that MIL could be nicer, but I'm not sure your thoughts are completely fair either?

We (and most people we know) tend to eat dinner around 5pm-6pm too, but if we were going out for a meal, we'd book for later as well.

It would be an evening out, not just to eat iyswim?

I'm not sure you're being fair by thinking they do this deliberately to hurt your OH?

I totally agree with you, i dont think that they did it to deliberately hurt him, i didnt mean that at all. What I meant was that after they booked the first time we explained why we couldnt go and that we would love to so could we perhaps book something for another time that we could all attend as well. They booked another meal but again did it at the same time knowing that we cant go , but invited us anyway? I just dont really understand them sometimes

rebeccaxoxo

mountainofdebt wrote: »

Ok here's my take on it:

MIL has obviously never 'forgiven' you for not having her (first?) grandchild baptised - and only apologised in order to see her grandchild.

You in turn have never forgotten her comment when you miscarried and whilst I know it was insensitive of her, people (especially of the older generation) do make comments like this ...sometimes without intending to be nasty.

Roll forward to your SIL's visit. I don't know how long she's been in the country and I don't know how your suggestion was phrased but I must admit if I'd flown half way around the world, and asked if I (effectively) wanted to babysit a nephew I hadn't clapped eyes on the saturday before Christmas I probably would have said no as well. Are you sure that, even though it wasn't meant as a request for them to babysit they could have interpreted it that way?

Now I know that the reason they declined because they were doing a girlie day shopping but as others have said I think at 8 months pregnant I would have said no as well; that doesn't mean to say it wouldn't have been nice to have the opportunity to say no!

What is interesting is that you say you haven't had an argument with them recently but visit them regularly - what's their attitude to you like then?

The other thing to think of is what was MIL like with your OH's previous girlfriends? Perhaps no-one is good enough for him so its just not you?

What's your relationship like wiith your SIL/ the girlfriend? Why not ask them if there's anything that MIL perceives you've done to incur the attitude? If you don't know if there is a problem, perceived or otherwise then you're just wandering in the dark trying to fix it.

thanks for the detailed reply mountain of debt, yes this is her first grandchild just to confirm that . I can see your point about the babysitting issue. I only did this as she had been speaking to my oh to ask if she thought i would mind her taking her nephew out on her own for a while, a walk to the park etc. I also not at any point suggested i couldnt come with them, it was just my way of trying to show that they are welcome to see him and i would be happy for them to have him for a few hours. I wasnt going anywhere or doing anything that i required a babysitter for and Im a bit gutted if thats the way they took it.

I totally accept your opinion on the fact that she'd just stepped off a plane from new zealand but she was going on to my OH about she had to see her nephew as soon as she arrived ( she hadnt met him at all yet ) and I just wanted to make it known that she was welcome to.

In regards to visiting their attitude couldnt be nicer towards me, although they dont actually speak to me too often unless i initiate it. They go on and on about having my son over night which im not comfortable with yet , with anyone not just them, and so i try to make as much time for them to see him or have him for a few hours as possible. Whenever they take me up on these offers, they pick him up from my house and leave within minutes ( literally) and do the same when they bring him back, there is no small talk at all.

My OH has never had another serious gf that he introducd to the family so i cant reallly see if they would have been like this to someone else, or if its personal.
I try my best not to let the miscarriage comment get to me but to be honest I dont really dwell on it too much, its just really an illustration of what kind of things she has done to hurt me in the past. Another being that when I was !7 me and OH had only been dating a month or so and he brought me to a family wedding in ireland, where she accused me of being in the toilet and falling about drunk. She got caught out telling lies because at the time she said I was doing this I was speaking to OH and FIL. This was all before the pregnancy and miscarriage so I really dont get it.

Murtle

You've stolen her baby boy...and turned him into a Man...AND a Dad!

As hard as it is, I always suggest an open discussion with people to try and clear the air as when assumptions are made on each side, events grow out of control. But just bear in mind...you've stolen her baby boy ;-)

As for going out shopping, I think it's rude not to be invited. I think people can be accommodating even if you only wanted to meet up with them for a coffee leaving them to continue their shopping etc. It's about being *included*

As for the dinner, I think that's rude. Bizarrely we eat late at home but prefer to eat earlier when going out so that we can make an evening of it. It also makes it much less rushed and more enjoyable. It took us a while to persuade my family to do this but it really works for us now. It means when we have to catch trains to meet up, we can leave to catch our train home and the rest can still stay out if they want to.

Hope things improve for you one way or another

x

cheepskate_2

Sorry , but was their a reason your husband couldnt attend the dinner....it doesn't take 2 to put a baby to bed.

It is his family after all, and as youv'e said you don't particularly like them and now arn't going to give a hoot about them.

If we don't have a baby sitter, then whoevers family it is goes , the other babysits.

As for not speaking to you much, maybe they feel the vibes , or maybe they arnt on the same wavelength as you, so dont have much to talk about.

rebeccaxoxo

cheepskate wrote: »

Sorry , but was their a reason your husband couldnt attend the dinner....it doesn't take 2 to put a baby to bed.

It is his family after all, and as youv'e said you don't particularly like them and now arn't going to give a hoot about them.

If we don't have a baby sitter, then whoevers family it is goes , the other babysits.

I know that I am able to look after the baby by myself and he would be able to go, im not stopping him and in fact suggested this, but he feels that we are his family and he wants to spend time with him sister that includes us. Of course if it comes to it and they refuse to accomodate us ill keep encouraging him to go alone. We're not attached at the hip, although two babies may suggest otherwise lol. Thanks for the honesty

rebeccaxoxo

Murtle wrote: »

You've stolen her baby boy...and turned him into a Man...AND a Dad!

As hard as it is, I always suggest an open discussion with people to try and clear the air as when assumptions are made on each side, events grow out of control. But just bear in mind...you've stolen her baby boy ;-)

As for going out shopping, I think it's rude not to be invited. I think people can be accommodating even if you only wanted to meet up with them for a coffee leaving them to continue their shopping etc. It's about being *included*

As for the dinner, I think that's rude. Bizarrely we eat late at home but prefer to eat earlier when going out so that we can make an evening of it. It also makes it much less rushed and more enjoyable. It took us a while to persuade my family to do this but it really works for us now. It means when we have to catch trains to meet up, we can leave to catch our train home and the rest can still stay out if they want to.

Hope things improve for you one way or another

x

I never thought if it that way murtle, thanks for the perspective. I know now that I have a son I'd definetley feel a bit sad when he's all grown up and has another 'woman' in his life.

Im glad im not being oversesitive about the dinner either, i do think its rude that they didnt try to accomodate the baby, they insist he's part of the family but only when it suits them. By no means am i saying they should always eat out early, but at least have one time that everyone can come.