help I don't know how much more of my husband I can take :-(

mummyoftwomonkeys

Let me tell you a bit about myself. I have been married now for 5 years 6 in May, I have 2 children who are the light of my life but I honestly don't know how much longer I can put up with my husband :-( I am not the kind of person to just give up on our marriage because coming from a home where my mum left my dad when I was 15 I have seen how hard it is when it brakes down.
lf I had any sense I wouldn't have married him in the 1st place if Im honest with myself, a few weeks before we were due to marry I found a conversation on his computer with another woman saying he was single. I forgave him but this was probably because I didn't want to look like an idiot and cancel the wedding. I fell pregnant with my 1st just after we got married when he was born we found out he was mild-mod deaf although now hes 4 and he copes very well with hearing aids when he was a baby I found it hard to cope with and this may have put a strain on our marriage, while I was pregnant I found out again that he had spoken to women on line because he wasn't getting any sex.
As far as I am aware he hasn't been doing any more chatting to women but as a whole I am fed up with him. When we got married he had no money just a load of debt I had a small amount put away about 8k, during our married life we managed to save a little, we spent 2 grand on a car now I know that's not a huge amount but that's the most we have spent and 5 months later he crashed it - write off, we then bought a car in October paid 1300 for it and less than 3 months later he crashes that too (yesterday) he had our 2 kids in the back at the time and all he could say was well if its a write off we will just buy another.
He is late for work all the time and is on his last warning, he doesn't help around the house at all, when Im at work he is late dropping off our eldest son and picking him up, our bedroom is a total pig sty he is making something that takes up any spare time he has and he keeps putting it all in our room, he keeps me awake to all hours even when I have work the next day.
Im at a loss what to do I just tried to talk to him I was in tears but I got nothing back from him he told me I should go out and get some qualifications and get another job.
I don't drive and we live about 15 miles from town. If I were to leave him I don't know where I would start. We live in a rented house but I don't earn enough to be able to rent on my own and my credit history would be poor because I only work part time. I just don't know what to do.

RAS

Hi

You need to start by putting your details into www.turn2us.org.uk which will explain how much help you would get with housing, Council Tax, etc.

Check out the Local Housing Allowance for a 2 bedroom in your nearest town? or near folks?

You would also get 20 percent of his salary as CSA.

gingin_2

What are his good points, if any? ( I don't mean that in an insensitive way, it's just your first post is very negative towards him)

make_me_wise

mummyoftwomonkeys wrote: »

lf I had any sense I wouldn't have married him in the 1st place if Im honest with myself, a few weeks before we were due to marry I found a conversation on his computer with another woman saying he was single.

while I was pregnant I found out again that he had spoken to women on line because he wasn't getting any sex.

When we got married he had no money just a load of debt I had a small amount put away about 8k, during our married life we managed to save a little, we spent 2 grand on a car now I know that's not a huge amount but that's the most we have spent and 5 months later he crashed it - write off,

we then bought a car in October paid 1300 for it and less than 3 months later he crashes that too (yesterday) he had our 2 kids in the back at the time and all he could say was well if its a write off we will just buy another.

He is late for work all the time and is on his last warning

he doesn't help around the house at all,

when Im at work he is late dropping off our eldest son and picking him up,

our bedroom is a total pig sty he is making something that takes up any spare time he has and he keeps putting it all in our room,

he keeps me awake to all hours even when I have work the next day.

Im at a loss what to do I just tried to talk to him I was in tears but I got nothing back from him he told me I should go out and get some qualifications and get another job.

If I were to leave him I don't know where I would start. We live in a rented house but I don't earn enough to be able to rent on my own and my credit history would be poor because I only work part time. I just don't know what to do.

It seems to me that yourself and your husband are like chalk and cheese, in your approach to relationships, finances, work ethics, being responsible etc etc.

I can certainly understand how things must be very strained. By the sounds of it, even when you try to discuss things with him, your feelings are brushed aside and almost white washed. You are met with a dismissive remark and left to just plod on and get on with it.

Is the only thing keeping you two together the worry of how you would cope financially if you split? I do get the impression that if you stay together he will just bring you down emotionally and financially.

daska

Why would it be you and the kids who would have to move?

WhiteHorse

daska wrote: »

Why would it be you and the kids who would have to move?

Good point.

He's a deadbeat and a cheater, and obviously always will be, so sling him out.

dirtysexymonkey

daska wrote: »

Why would it be you and the kids who would have to move?

could be something to do with the op not being able to drive and living 15 miles away from the nearest town?

op i sympathise, but im a bit confused - does he work full time? if so why do you expect him to do a lot around the house when you work part time?

mummyoftwomonkeys

if we split up we would all have to move there is something in the tenancy that even if one of us dies we have to move out. Also we are only aloud 4 of us living here

j.e.j.

It does sound like you're tinged with regrets about the whole marriage from the word go, almost.

I suppose the thing is, do you both want this to work? If you both do, then the problems you described in your first post are not insurmountable. You could maybe try Relate counselling. But if it's really got to the stage where neither of you are happy, neither of you 'wants' the other one and neither of you will listen to the other side, then perhaps it's time to move on.

BitterAndTwisted

Do nothing and say nothing for at least a week. You need to give yourself time to get over the shock of him nearly killing your kids. And him time to digest that that is almost what he did if it hasn't hit home yet.

There's no mention in your post of any love or affection for your husband so does it mean that there really is none?

lostinrates

I think bitter and twisted is right: bide you time for now. when something goes wrong its very easy for us to pull all the unforgotten frustrations of the past up.

Do your children HAVE to go i the car? personally in your shoes I'd be looking for some where to rent where, shoud the mariage last, I could be more independant in any case and not have him drive the kids. Living with out independance puts strain on even good marriages often enough.