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Help need re separated parents and access

I wonder if anyone can help me here....step daughter and her boyfriend have recently split they have a 2 year old son both have parental responsibility as he registered the birth with her. He has moved back to scotland to be with his family but wants to come and pick child up to take there for a visit. Step daughter is worried in case he doesnt return with him...if this happens where does she stand with the law?? And does she even have to allow him to take their son?? can she insist on supervised visits here in England?? The reason she is worried is that she recieved a letter last week from a scottish council regarding her request for a council house up there...she rang them and was told her ex had applied in joint names for a house and she had signed the forms...he obviously had forged her signature,...she told them this and they are looking into it. Shes now worried hes planning a new life up there for him and their son

any advice appreciated x
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Comments

  • clearingout
    clearingout Posts: 3,290 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    You need legal advice. It wouldn't be reasonable to block access in 'normal' circumstances but given this action of forging signatures for housing, I think you are right to be wary. Has mum been the primary carer? How long is he intending to take the child for? Does mum have full contact details for him (address, landline phone number?). I wouldn't personally engage in any further conversation with him about access - just simply tell him you will respond as soon as you have legal advice.

    In England, if mum has been the primary carer, she would need to get into court immediately (same day he wasn't returned) and make an ex parte application (that's one where you pay your money, sit and wait for a judge to have 5 minutes to speak with you and the other side isn't notified of what you're doing) to explain what is going on. It is likely an Order to return him would be made immediately - however, I'm not sure how it works across boarders so please don't take what I'm saying as gospel. It is possible to get a free half hour from many solicitors so if you go in with questions, you can make the most of the free time. I wouldn't 'wing' this one - a strongly worded solicitor's letter would set the tone that mum won't tolerate being messed with and that she just wants the child to be able to have a good relationship with both parents without fear of non -return or other difficulties which will, inevitably, impact on the child's well-being.
  • I agree with clearing out. Whilst it is always beneficial for amy non resident parent to spend as much time as is viable with their children, I for one would be refusing access in the situation you have encountered until i had sought legal and proper advice.
  • Thanks for the advice .....mum is the primary carer, father has been in Scotland for 6 weeks now, He wants to take the child to Scotland for a week to begin with, even though he hasnt seen him at all since he walked out. Mum has the contact details and address for him as he is living with his mum up there (at the moment) I also think she needs to see a solicitor and have advised her to do so...thanks again for the info x x
  • She has told him she doesnt want to stop him seeing his son, just not to take him for overnight visits just yet....and her ex has said he will take her to court She did say she is happy for him to come down and visit but he refuses to do this
  • McKneff
    McKneff Posts: 38,857 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper
    I can understand the hesitation and would agree not to get into any negotions till you take legal advice.

    The offer of him coming to see the child is enough for now.

    Good luck
    make the most of it, we are only here for the weekend.
    and we will never, ever return.
  • clearingout
    clearingout Posts: 3,290 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    a week (7 nights?) is a long time for a 2 year old to be away from their primary carer in the first instance. How does mum feel about that? Maybe a couple of nights and build that up as he gets that bit older. You don't mention distances but with fuel costs, I can appreciate that this might not be cost-effective for dad, however, which will make him fight it. I'm not sure how it might be viewed by the courts but some build up of time would be reasonable for such a young child, I think.
  • jillyjacks
    jillyjacks Posts: 443 Forumite
    edited 24 November 2011 at 9:42PM
    clearing out...I agree...I dont think a week is advisable at first...especially since the child hast seen his dad for over 6 weeks and has only met the rest of the family once ..(doubt he'd even remember them) I think she has been more than reasonable offering to allow him to have as much assess as he wants as long as its not overnighters
    I was just worried that by refusing to allow ex to take him the courts would side with the father and I wasnt sure if she was legally within her rights to refuse
  • she's within her rights to do what she considers is best for the child. The courts, of course, won't necessarily have the same opinion on what is best. That's the risk that you take. Mediation is very much worth a try.

    What distance are we talking about? Allowing him all the access he wants but not overnight if he has to travel 400 miles isn't particularly reasonable, for example. If we're just talking 20 miles, it's a bit different. Unfortunately, it is a fact of separation that you have to get used to your child being away from you (and it's not much fun when they're so little as you feel so guilty) and some would argue the sooner the better. I would personally suggest a couple of nights in the first instance would be fine. Although not so fine if the 6 weeks without contact becomes 6 months or longer. He should still recognise dad and be overjoyed to see him but that could change with time (or not - there is no real way of knowing how a child might react).

    I think things have changed a bit since I was in court a few years ago. An attempt at mediation is now compulsory and if any solicitor's letters are going out at any point, making a 'my client is more than happy to mediate on this issue' ending is essential. I would suggest mum tries to be flexible and recognises it is the father-son relationship that is important, not how she feels about being away from her child. It is likely he might get upset but equally, dad should be able to handle him for a couple of days and build that up over time so that by the time he goes to school, he could spend 7 nights over half term with dad quite happily, for example.

    Tell her not to fear the court process as it's not scary and I personally believe they got it right for our children. Mum does, however, need someone with an ability to keep neutral and see both sides to be telling her when she's being unreasonable and help her make compromises so she doesn't rock up in court and get herself labelled 'contact blocker'. Families have a horrible tendency to side with their own regardless which isn't always a good thing - skews how you see reality. All that matters in this situation is that somehow mum and dad work out what is best for the child - and what is always best for the child is that they have good contact with both sides. When the child is all grown, it won't matter that they spent a few less or a few more days with dad/mum than the other would have liked: it's about quality and the parents being seen to work as a team.

    PS And if she works that one out, please let us know 'cos I'm as reasonable as they come and my ex would tell you a very different story!
  • thanks for that x x x very sensible advice...dad is in aberdeen and mum is in newcastle...so quite a distance apart.....and he doesnt drive, she has offered to put him up here if it means he sees his son (even though she doesnt really want him in her house) so I think she has been reasonable, dad has got a new job now though so says that coming down to stay isnt practical....i cant see why a weekend would be a problem but he says no......he wants child up there staying with his mum so he can see him every night after work, step daughter says this isnt acceptable as child doesnt really know his mum that well
  • The child's going to have to get used to his mother, though. I don't think the father's being that unreasonable about access, to be honest. The council house thing is more of a worry. But they are going to be parenting this child for at least anohter 16 years together, so they need to try and keep it amicable.
    ...much enquiry having been made concerning a gentleman, who had quitted a company where Johnson was, and no information being obtained; at last Johnson observed, that 'he did not care to speak ill of any man behind his back, but he believed the gentleman was an attorney'.
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