Stick With Private Agreement or Involve CSA?

Bluemeanie_2

I know some will disagree, but it does seem you are being a little one sided. You posted on another thread that you recieve £200 a month tax credits, your maintenence, your son is getting DLA, so lets assume the lower rate of £19pw, plus you will get child benefit of £33 pw. Totalling, £150 roughly a week. So that is £15 a day per child, as your ex has them every weekend. Surely you can feed and clothe your children on £15 a day each??? Even if you shave a fiver off that each for electric, gas etc. Surely you can keep a child on £10 a day each child?

That is just with maintennce and benefits, before we even take into account that you are half responsible to pay towards them?

I do not mean to have a go at you, just I hear all the while about wastrels who will not pay a penny or contribute in the slightest to their children, and then you have a Dad who is voluntarily paying just you are dissatisfied with the seemingly fair amount. The two nights he keeps them, he receives no benefits or contributions towards their keep etc. Maybe this is why he he will not buy clothes for them? Maybe the fact you already receive £30 a day for them is enough in his opinion?

Everyone will have their own view, I just wanted to offer a thought from a different perspective.

Morlock

clearingout wrote: »

As for not showing you his P60, after 10 years, do you really blame him? I'm not sure I would ever share my financial information with my ex in the future so why I should expect him to provide his P60 annually is beyond me....I know what you're getting at but shoe on the other foot?

Perhaps you are 'up to something' in that case?

http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showpost.php?p=49868149&postcount=10

Ladyshopper

Bluemeanie wrote: »

I know some will disagree, but it does seem you are being a little one sided. You posted on another thread that you recieve £200 a month tax credits, your maintenence, your son is getting DLA, so lets assume the lower rate of £19pw, plus you will get child benefit of £33 pw. Totalling, £150 roughly a week. So that is £15 a day per child, as your ex has them every weekend. Surely you can feed and clothe your children on £15 a day each??? Even if you shave a fiver off that each for electric, gas etc. Surely you can keep a child on £10 a day each child?

That is just with maintennce and benefits, before we even take into account that you are half responsible to pay towards them?

I do not mean to have a go at you, just I hear all the while about wastrels who will not pay a penny or contribute in the slightest to their children, and then you have a Dad who is voluntarily paying just you are dissatisfied with the seemingly fair amount. The two nights he keeps them, he receives no benefits or contributions towards their keep etc. Maybe this is why he he will not buy clothes for them? Maybe the fact you already receive £30 a day for them is enough in his opinion?

Everyone will have their own view, I just wanted to offer a thought from a different perspective.

I disagree personally. Yes I work, yes I get benefits, and yes my son gets DLA. I have also had to give up going for promotion until my kids are old enough, have stayed single for 10 years, and had to go part time around 5 years ago because childcare proved too difficult (and too expensive), and their Father wasn't willing to help out.

It shouldn't matter if I am a millionaire or a pauper, he is their Father, and I strongly believe he should pay what he is supposed to. If people would like to think he is great because he actually has his own children for 2 days every other week, then go for it! My wages shouldn't come into it, I would go without to feed/clothe my children, and my children always come first, but does that excuse their Father from paying what the CSA state he should be paying as a minimum?

Ladyshopper

Caroline_a wrote: »

As a matter of interest, what does he do for a job? I've never heard of anyone still earning the same without a salary increase in 10 years!

Sales. I agree, but have left it and left it for 10 years, but have decided enough is enough. I think it highly unlikely anyone has stayed on the same salary for that long.

lizzywig

I've not read through everything here but one thing that springs to my mind (and given I don't know the circumstances) is that IF his partner has a child then chances are she might recieve some maintenance for her child. Said childs father may not earn the same as your ex but I bet it gives him a good idea of what he should be paying....

Bluemeanie_2

I don't think I explained/expanded my point properly. I don't disagree that he shouldn't be paying 15% of his net pay. What perspective I was trying to put on it was, you ask if you should stick to the private arrangement or go to the CSA? What I was trying to say is, maybe you should not run the risk of "upsetting" the situation (annoying as that is), when you already receive maintenance and a lot of state help. In case he suddenly stopped paying altogether and you have to go through a huge battle to get anything, like some of the posts you see on here. I sympathise with you to a certain extent for having to put your career on hold etc, but one thing I feel people should remember when they slag of someone for being a lousy Dad is one of my favourite Judge Judy lines "you picked him". Also a lot of women have to put their career on hold as they get lumped with childcare etc, regardless of whether they are single, married etc. That presently is a common social situation in our society (that I don't agree with by the way) But don't think you can completely blame that on him. I know married couples where the man thinks it is the women who has to sort the childcare or she can't take the ideal job. Again you chose to have kids, and again chose that man to have them with, if you wanted to progress your career further etc then you could have concentrated on that and waited longer etc.
I don't think he deserves a medal for having them, but there are worse out there. And after all the state help you receive and he doesn't, I don't think he is wrong when he does not buy them clothes. Tax credits, DLA and child benefit aren't pro-rated to how many nights the PWC and NRP has them. You receive the whole amount for 365 days a year, so that is why I feel you are unjustified in slagging him off in that respect.

I didn't bring your wages into my point. Your earnings were irrelevant to my point. I was talking about the benefits you receive for them.

Ladyshopper

Totally agree there are worse out there - that doesn't make him a hero though!

Yes, I did decide to have children with him. A joint decision, when I thought we were in a committed relationship, having been together 6 years already. At no point did I anticipate him having an affair and swanning off into the sunset!

As for my career, he was fully supportive of me joining the police, and childcare was something discussed, shiftwork discussed, etc etc. What I didn't bank on was the day I passed my medical for the police was the day I found out he was having an affair. I could have taken the easy route out, not persued the police, and gone on to state benefits, having my house paid for etc. I chose not to. It was extremely difficult in the early days, training, then doing day and night shifts, with an ex who didn't want to help and suddenly didn't think it was his responsibility to help with his own children. So whilst I accept that childcare is an issue for thousands of people, me being one of them, it was perhaps a little more difficult than the average person experiences trying to balance a job where you are expected to work all hours of the day and night with paid for childcare.

Yes, I do get some tax credits, child benefit and also DLA for my son. That DLA is for him though, not in the family pot, and as far as I am concerned certainly shouldn't be used to top up any shortfall in what his Father should be paying in maintenance. He may or may not get benefits, I have no idea. However, he has a partner who brings in a wage, I don't have that luxury. However, in the same way that the benefits I receive aren't taken into account when deciding his maintenance payments, neither are his partners wages.

The clothes buying you talk about - he claims that his home is their home. Yet they sleep in camp beds and sleeping bags, and have done for 10 years. The spare bedroom is never called "their" bedroom to make them feel like its their home. Most people that I know - friends/colleagues in similar situations buy clothes for their children to keep at their house if they are the non resident parents, or tell me that the non-resident parent does. It all goes towards making the children feel comfortable and welcomed in that environment, something which doesn't really happen now even 10 years down the line. I'm not talking mega stuff, but even a pair of pyjamas would be good!