so stressed and at breaking point - what to do?

Big_Alf

Its so sad they cant be supportive on your big day, just quite frankly bizarre behaviour if Im honest. I would take the route of the two of you going to the reg office then disappearing for a couple of days R&R. Hold the reception at a later date that suits YOU!

Like you we saw the marriage as the most important part, not the wedding and having that time away on our own was just perfect.


How old are your parents out of interst? They come across as petty spoiled teenagers, great idea to show them this thread btw...

IF YOU ARE READING THIS MR & MRS RQ GROW UP !!!!!!!!

tanith

If I were you I would carry on arranging things how you want to and then when your parent finally contact you it will all be done and you can say its all arranged now just how we want it and if they don't like it it'll be too bad... good luck with your wedding.. at least the in-laws are onside..

jtr2803

flossy_splodge wrote: »

Hmm. Interesting situation.
Might I offer a few thoughts?
We all come with our own history and our own expectations.

Times have certainly changed but not necessarily for the better.
Maybe your parents have their own ideas about your wedding but thats not so awful as is being made out. I think there is so much 'mine, I'll do it MY way' around these days and to those with alternative thoughts it can seem very non-inclusive.

When the couple are funding their own wedding they have every right to want it 'MY' way...you wouldn't spend a few grand on a new sofa and let the saleman decide what colour it was would you?

If your parents have not spoken to you in a week how about:
1. YOU call THEM???

Ah yes, let's forgive them for being selfish and stroppy because they are the 'parents', OP did nothing wrong, they should be calling to apologise.

2. You prepare for such a call by deciding if there are some tasks you could happily hand over in their entireity especially to your mother and YOU make the suggestions and shape the discussion.

3. You have clear in your mind what you are prepared to compromise on and what not.

Why on earth does the OP have to compromise AT ALL?

Just remember that it is actually entirely usual for the older generation (mine!!) to have an expectation of being in the driving seat and it feels as if you have been relegated to the perimeter if you are not fully involved.

The answer to this is COMPROMISE on both sides. I promise you it will be VERY HARD for your parents as they probably have indeed been planning your wedding in their heads for years. You need to be gentle and give them time to adjust. Don't just assume they are trying to upset you. THEY are probably believing YOU don't care about THEM!

I didn't like how it was done in my day where parents had ALL the control but I also don't like it the so called 'modern' way where the couple make the decisions alone and graciously 'allow' others in AFTER they have decided who what when and where.

So you need to decide if you really want a wedding that leaves you AND parents feeling hurt, sad and unhappy.

Try not to appear selfish. If you can, compromise, compromise and compromise. NO NO NO NO NO! I can't even believe you are suggesting this!

Then maybe everyone can enjoy your day with you with a light heart instead of a heavy one.
I wish all the best. Let your mother read this thread maybe? You never know.;) xx

I have to admit that I am not sure if this is a serious post or not?

The OP does NOT have to involve her parents at all if she does not want to. It is her and her partners wedding, not her parents, why should she be expected to bend over backwards to let them feel involved?????

The parents should be incredibly proud of their daughter for compromising on the day she wanted because she is mature enough to realise she cannot afford it. I think the only selfish ones here are her parents for wanting their daughter to break her back working all the hours under the sun so she has the day they dream of.

OP...I mean no disrespect to your parents but I think I'd be uninviting them pretty swiftly, I wouldn't allow my friends to treat me that way and I'm damned sure my own blood wouldn't be allowed to either. You only plan on doing this once so please make sure you have the day that you want and are comfortable with, don't saddle yourself with the issues of anyone else.

stir_crazy

If I were you, I would wait until you speak to your parents again before going ahead, yes, they have acted in a way that upsets you , but it is probably because they are upset that their daughter's not going for the big day everyone envisions (sp?). Make it clear that this is what you want, and if they love you they'll come round to the idea and be really happy for you. If you think sod it and go ahead and do it anyway, they'll be hurt that they were left out. I think jtr2803 is being a little harsh - they are still your parents!
We're doing our wedding the way we want to, but I make sure my parents and OH's parents are included.

rock_queen

Just got off the phone to my mum (i rang her) we did have a lovely chat (dad was out) and i managed to get out what i wanted to say and how i felt even though it was a bit awkward at first. She didn't really say anything except she needs to have a few more days to discuss things with dad but she would be in touch. I told her that we have both venues sorted and that they are both available for the day after our orginal date but we need to get moving with booking it. I think mum is coming round to the idea as she has already told one of her friends about the change in venue.

I'm feeling a lot better for speaking to her even though i was terrified, I hope this is the start of something positive.

Knitting_Nora

Hi RC

That's brilliant - and really brave and considerate of you. Nicely done.

Nora.x

Dekazer

Well done - this place is great to let off some steam, but you do get some pretty polarised opinions and suggestions. Sometimes a bit of time and distance helps a great deal to make problems seem less disasterous.

I'm sure that so long as you continue to be kind to your parents, they'll be happy to go along with the day you hope for. And I'm sure you and your OH will also be able to accept their generous gift and have a day to remember for the whole family. I'm pleased to hear things are looking up!

rock_queen

Hi Guys

Just a quick update on the situation. Having talked it out with OH and my family, we have decided to have an intimate wedding ceremony (immediate family only) followed by a meal at the original venue, and a few months later have a knee's up where all extended family and friends are invited too. (similar idea to what people often do when they marry abroad) We all feel it suits all our needs one way or another. All our friends who we had invited understand our situation and are really understanding and supportive. The extended family havent a clue what has been going on and i'm dreading telling them the change of plans, any ideas?? I'm not close to any of them and rarely meet up as they live at the other end of the country.

74jax

rock_queen wrote: »

I showed them the provisional guest list we had spend weeks creating only for my mum not to speak to me about it for 2 months all because we hadn't invited the entire family (i hardly know them) but a few of my close friends instead. (it went from 30 to 70)

.

rock_queen wrote: »

Hi Guys

Just a quick update on the situation. Having talked it out with OH and my family, we have decided to have an intimate wedding ceremony (immediate family only) followed by a meal at the original venue, and a few months later have a knee's up where all extended family and friends are invited too. (similar idea to what people often do when they marry abroad) We all feel it suits all our needs one way or another. All our friends who we had invited understand our situation and are really understanding and supportive. The extended family havent a clue what has been going on and i'm dreading telling them the change of plans, any ideas?? I'm not close to any of them and rarely meet up as they live at the other end of the country.

I am soooo pleased for you.

Have they extended family been invited already? I thought from your previous post you'd said they hadn't.

If they were invited and now not, maybe a phone call to explain the change in plan is that they are now invited to the 'knees up' and the wedding itself is only intimate. If they don't see you often I more than sure they won't mind.

flossy_splodge

rock_queen wrote: »

Hi Guys

Just a quick update on the situation. Having talked it out with OH and my family, we have decided to have an intimate wedding ceremony (immediate family only) followed by a meal at the original venue, and a few months later have a knee's up where all extended family and friends are invited too. (similar idea to what people often do when they marry abroad) We all feel it suits all our needs one way or another. All our friends who we had invited understand our situation and are really understanding and supportive. The extended family havent a clue what has been going on and i'm dreading telling them the change of plans, any ideas?? I'm not close to any of them and rarely meet up as they live at the other end of the country.

Suggest you just keep it simple and honest; ie say something like " due to the current economic situation we all find ourselves in, we are changing our wedding plans. We are now only looking to have an extremely small group on the day but will be delighted if you can come later in the year to a fun knees up to join us in celebration. I know you will understand and thank you for that".
Sort of reverse psychology or something!
Good Luck.