so stressed and at breaking point - what to do?

rock_queen

sorry about the long post but i just need to get things off my chest

We have had this wonderful wedding planned in a beautiful location with everything a girl (or girls parents) could dream of. We did our budget and with a small contribution from my parents and overtime at work we could afford it. However, 7 months later and only less than 5 months to go I'm on the verge of a breakdown.

For the last 6 months neither of us have recieved our full basic wage (for various reasons such as unforseen sick leave and car breaking down etc) and with overtime to try and make up the difference we have still been about 400 short each month which was what we needed to save for the wedding. For the last couple of months I have been so worried about money that I am constantly run down and getting ill. I've been finding it all too stressful to cope with and it has been having a negative affect on both of us. But I tried to remain positive that it would all happen. We realise now (albeit a bit late) that it aint happening.

After having a big talk about it on monday night (OH hasn't been interested in the planning side until now) we have decided to cancel the original wedding and go for something more affordable (registry office and afternoon tea in the local village hall). Something more along the lines of what we had thought of originally (until my parents got involved). OH said we could do the original plan as an anniversary celebration at a later date. We are both a bit gutted but realistic and don't want to get into more debt just to have the 'big do'. At the end of the day it is about 'being married' for the both of us.

We have paid the deposits at the original venue and unfortunatly they are non-refundable. I spoke to my dad last night to let them know what was happening and they have really gone off on one. All the save the dates have gone out so we are hoping to just swap venues and not the date aswell. I was told not to cancel or book anything else and that they wanted to see both budgets before a decision was "allowed" to be made. I was also told to grow up too! (I'm 32 not 12!) Yes i understand they are angry/disappointed/upset etc but there is nothing else we can do, we have tried everything from selling stuff upto working 70hrs a week to get half of what we need. It is OUR wedding afterall and their contribution would just cover the wine and toasts.

I have begun to hate the venue and trying to plan because of the stress. Since we made our decision it has felt like a giant weight has been lifted, that is until I spoke to my parents and I am now waiting for them to get in touch with whatever they have to say. I told them I need to get everything sorted asap as my MOH is flying over from taiwan and needs to book her tickets. ( i had to wait 2 months before my mum would speak to me about the guest list as I hadn't invited everyone she wanted)

I'm at my wits end and don't know what to do next, my sister did warn me that they would try to take over as they did with her, she ended up with a massive wedding neither wanted.

Thanks for reading if you have got this far, I'm sat here in tears and really need a hug

Tulip

cant advise sorry *hugs*

MrsDrink

I don't want to read and run - but can't offer much help. *hugs*

One thing - do you think your parents are thinking whether they can meet the short fall? And if they were able to would that change the way you feel? Or would you still rather have the smaller wedding?

Giddytimes

((((Hugs))))

Try not to stress, just hold your ground, you are not willing to get into debt for the wedding and that's the right stance to take, a mountain of debt is not going to give you a good start to married life.

If your parents want to make a larger contribution so you can have the planned wedding then maybe you should discuss this with them, after all you are going to lose the deposits. If they are not then don't let them force you to do anything you don't want to do, the day is yours and your fiances, it has to be as you want.
Even if they are willing to make a contribution if you no longer like the venue you shouldn't feel obliged to go ahead with the original plan.

If your parents were to offer to pay the difference between the smaller wedding and the original venue how would you feel? Would you accept this? You and your fiance need to discuss this as it sounds like that may be what they are considering doing.

Wedding planning is meant to be fun, you shouldn't be feeling as you do. I think you're doing the right thing going back to basics.

katydo12

As you say it is you wedding and you should do what you are comfotable with even if that means rearranging.. no point making youself ill due to the stress of it all because that will obviously make it less enjoyable for yourselves in the long run. I never understood why people planning weddings got so stressed but after planning my own I do sympathise with your money situation as we are sort of in the same boat. We've had some set backs but I've refused to fall out with my partner about wedding plans and when my mam goes over the top I have to put her in her place! It's YOUR day, your parents have presumably had their day!
Chin up chick you'll have a great day I'm sure as long as its what YOU want. xxx

johannalf88

:grouphug:

For what it's worth I think you have made all the right decisions and acted really maturely.

It must be so hard to admit that it can not be done, and you have come to a version of your wedding which will be a compromise, but ultimately will make you happy!

Is there any way you can keep the venue etc and cut back on the flowers, save a bit by cutting a course off the menu etc. I'm sure most suppliers will be sympathetic, and try to find cheaper alternatives.

What ever you do, don't try and worry too much about what your parents think. Unless they are paying a considerable amount, they don't get a say. You have been really realistic about the whole thing, and your OH is lucky to have someone so level headed.

snookey

Its your day not your parents. Dont feel that you have to bow down to their wishes.

getting-sorted-sarah

So sorry your parents are being so unhelpful! Maybe you could advertise and sell your deposit to another couple so that you'd get some of the money back - ie they get a cheaper deal and 'your' wedding date by paying you a percentage of the deposit?

I'm worried that if your parents are treating you like a child now, if you accept more money they may hold it over you in the future...

Whatever you decide, very best wishes for a lovely day - and more importantly - a lovely life together! xx

prosaver

the only thing I can think of that your parents have dreamed of this big wedding and saved like mad for it...
anyway you could be divorced in a few years
dont worry about it
life too short

KK22_2

Could you possibly postpone? I know that save the dates have gone out already, but they cost a lot less from the likes of vistaprint than how much you would lose if you lost your deposit?

You need to sit down and consider which options you are actually willing to go with before you get swayed by anyone elses input.

Good luck x

rock_queen

Thanks everyone! Just having your comments and hugs is really helping, the tears have stopped for the time being at least.

I think we have made the right decision and losing the deposits is the least of my worries. I just want to marry my soul mate.

As for my parents they may offer to loan us the shortfall but we really don't want to accept as it will be another hold my dad has over me and he will use it against me as he has done in the past. He likes to control and often uses money as a way of doing it.

xx