Just wondering how you deal with....emotions..

sundays

I think we over think the suitation and come up with perceptions we think others will have.
Being repossessed is highly stressful, but i just say, you have chosen the rental side for peace of mind as i dunno your mortage has been hiked out of control with coming out of a fixed deal.
Never think you have to justify yourself to others. Because i guarantee they wont be picking you over behind closed door re choices you have made.

but dont worry re BR , its sadly when done one of the nicest feelings ever because its finished with and you can really move forward.

good luck and keep strong.

Polly_Wolly_Doodle

Hi Maisy,
good post, we're still in the early stages, six months in and 30 months of ipa to go.
We've kept our house thanks to negative equity, so don't have the moving / renting trauma and our children are so small they don't know what's going on, other than mummy ceaselessly going on about what things cost and if we buy that then we can't buy the other etc etc:D.
I've told my mum but Dh hasn't confessed to a soul and i think it's adding to his woes.
I probably won't tell people as what does it gain? It may make me feel better to off load at the time but i may regret it later and i want to protect my children as much as possible for life - hence the budget lessons from BR moment on!
I think you just have to take your time, don't go being open and honest if you could regret it or if it may come back to haunt you in the future.
Use the boards to off load, at least here we are among knowledgeable people who can REALLY help and then we can let real life just plod on till discharge and that bright shiney future:j.

PWD xx

kepar

We are three years post br and my wife is just about to finish her IPA, so hopefully then we have reached the end of the road. We know that we will have to wait another 3 years or so for the defaults and the credit files to be sorted.

I personally don't think you accept it until you can face people and explain what happened, just the deed of br is not enough. Okay it eases the pressure but it actually changes your life/lives.
When we went br, we wrote replica letters to all the family explaining what had happened and the reasons behind our br. We did this mainly to tell them and also so that all got the same story and certain parts were not added to make us look worse.
Friends were told as and when, some in more detail than others. Parents of children's school friends were told if they asked, but my daughter who was only 9 at the time seemed to take great delight in telling her friends that her parents were br.

Then we moved because we gave the house back, it was a wrench but we realised we were renting as we were in high negative equity with a secured loan on top of the mortgage. Basically throwing money away as we found a better place to live cheaper than we were paying for the mortgage and SL. My wife took ages to come to terms with losing the house and because we moved close to where it was we often had to pass the road it was on. My wife would burst into to tears and it possibly only the last six months that she has accepted what we have done.

Looking back now, we realise that we should have gone br a t least a year earlier, which would have taken a lot of the stress away. We did the right thing with the house, she realises now that we can get a house anywhere we want after we get the money together. We would have trapped for a long time waiting for house prices to rise and hoping interest rates did not rise.

Fear of the unknown is what you are going through, questioning is it right or wrong. Delaying can cause stress and possible relationship problems.

There is a life after br, it is not easy and you have to take each day as it comes. There are problems to face, with lack of money and credit but you do appreciate the money and where it goes.

MalD

Maizy, thanks for posting - I am considering if BR is for me at the moment, this is the sort of question playing on my mind so really helpful to read the replies on here!

Ineedaname

Although I haven't broadcast it to the community or posted openly about it on Facebook, I have been quite honest about it to my friends. Most of them knew I was in a DMP anyway, so it was only one step further to say "I've made a positive move forward and gone BR".

If it's relevant to say, then I'll tell someone, but if not then it's none of their business.

The way I think of it is that nobody is ashamed of living on credit these days, so why should I worry about anyone judging me for taking a legal step because it all got out of hand due to an unforeseen change in circumstances.

You're right in that it is slightly different for you, having moved within the same area and also needing to protect the children. If you don't want the locals to gossip and conjecture about your financial situation, think of some other juicy tidbit to feed them - that needn't even be true, just as long as it's more intrigueing than your finances and won't hurt anyone.;)

Regarding the emotions. Bear in mind that you need to grieve for the life you have lost, not just the house, but the ability to turn to credit things were tight. Grief has several stages and it takes time to allow it to run its course. Grief doesn't only occur when you lose something/one you love or treasure, but is about dealing with major changes in life, even when those changes represent moving from an unhappy situation to a better one.:A

Maizy

Just done a long reply which Ive now lost, sorry unable to reply to each post but really appreciate what you have all said.

Cant thank you all enough really I cant and a few posts jerked a tear or two. Mind you Ive almost had a breakdown trying to fill those forms in and going through reams of papers, taken all day and still not there. I'll be glad when the days sat around the kitchen table telling the kids to go and play are over FOR GOOD.

I know Ive made the right decision and even with losing the house, we will question that but it was a no win situation with repairs queuing by the month and a huge negative to recover from which I don't think we could of handled.

Thanks again a bit lost for words right now, just need to come to terms with things a bit more and if I could stop worrying what others thought of this perfectly legal process, then I may stand a chance of recovery. Thanks for sharing, seems to have helped others too. Cheers.

wishingherlifeaway

Hi, I totally agree with the posts above and although I am on an IVA I'm considering BR too. I think I am getting my head round the practical aspects of it all but the emotional side does need a lot of help.
I have only told one close friend about my IVA (which I now regret as she boasts about her latest shopping sprees and I think rubs my nose in it!) and two of my sisters. My mum knows NOTHING about my situation, she knows money is tight but has no idea as to how bad things are and my dad has a fair idea something isn't right but he has enough health issues of his own to be worrying about me so I haven't told him very much. No-one at work knows (or at least I hope not) as I keep work and personal life separate.
My children are relatively young and know we have money problems but they see a lot of other families tightening their belts too so aren't too concerned. My hubby and I have been through the mill though and take a lot of our stress out on each other and I have to say I have considered upping and leaving so many times because I was like you Maizy in that I felt like I was going to crumble. At the end of the day when we think on it we get on well the rest of the time and only get ratty when money is mentioned.

Chin up, you will get through this and in time it will be a distant memory.

out_of_cash

Only the strongest relationships/marriges survive over whelming debt IMHO.

We were together 18yrs as soon as our jobs went the money went

I salute all who have come through this "Together":T and is my deepest regret that we couldnt have been one of those couples.:sad:

regards to all

Out of cash.

mandrake75

I have dealt with the emotional side pretty badly, and stil am to be honest. I have an appointment with a counsellor this week in fact.
I wish i'd told my family and friends earlier but as my debts are due to gambling addiction it was really a continuation of one long spell of silence. I was a month away from auto discharge before i told my parents, sister and friends about 15 years of gambling, 2 years of a crippling DMP, and 11 months of BR.
Since telling people things are improved, a problem shared is a problem halved etc, but like i say its still tough.
One thing i am finding which someone above mentioned, is the bit about grieving for the life i've lost. All those years of wishing my life away waiting for paydays to arrive to pay the min payment on cards, now they are gone i realise how much i have truly lost in every way, both in money, and in time spent with loved ones.
So, things are getting better, but it never seems quick enough, but thats the old gambler in me, just wanting a quick fix, in the same way i wanted a quick buck

mandrake75

To just answer another point you raised about the lies affecting you, for so long i was asked by everyone close to me if everything was ok and i lied. It did me personnally no good at all, especially seeingg how accepting they subsequently were. Also it helped stop all the questions about which you asked above apart from one, which was 'why didn't you say anything earlier?'.
So, i hope you pick up soon Maizie, and have a good end to your year X