Just wondering how you deal with....emotions..

Maizy

Just curious to know how the rest of you dealt with the emotional side of your BR. Would love to hear from some people who have kids, and possibly relationships affected by being consumed by the whole debt/br decisions.

Basically I'm wondering if you kept the BR thing totally to yourselves or has anyone opened up to more than just the odd person and found this easier in time. I have had support from a family member and work colleague had no choice there. But my biggest problem is telling close friends and I have become introvert, avoided friends/family for a good while now trying to deal with this mess, feelings of failure, feelings of worry for my future, etc etc etc. Of course they know something isnt right and Im facing up to that soon.

One half of me wants to just lie and say house sold, renting to make life easier, the other half is sick of hiding and just feel at some point in the future the lies may affect me.

Has anyone found it easier over time to tell a wider circle of people just so that there are no more questions (as I will get loads) people are not stupid and friends instinctively want to help.

In reality my kids and families happiness is my absolute priority as non of us know what is around any corner, they are happy and settled and we have been strong and devoted and tried to keep disruption to a minimum possibly at a cost to our own relationship which will hopefully get tackled when the strains are lifted. Inside though it feels like Im going to crumble at times for reasons above and I wish I could just toughen up a bit more. Just curious to know if it gets easier in time thats all. Maybe once Im BR and the house is rep'd I can get on with my life.

Even if I dont hear from anyone as I know its not a counselling site, its good to just write down how Im feeling so thank you.

fredandwilma

You don't have to tell anyone anything you don't want to, nor do you have to lie, just say you have moved closer to work or whatever. Frankly, whatever happens in your life is no one's business, unless you choose to make it their business. You and your family's well being are the main concern, right now. Only do what feels right and you are comfortable with. If you are unsure, then don't do it, as simple as that.

Feel free to pm me, at any time faw x

wannabehermit

Exactly as fredandwilma says, it's nothing to do with anyone else being nosy, tell them what you want to tell them. If you feel it would help to unload to a few other people, then go for it. If you're worried about any stigma that may be attached then just tell them it was something you needed to do for personal reasons.

I totally understand the emotional side of things, that was always what I struggled with more than anything else. Mine was a DRO rather than full BR (it would have been BR but for a couple of hundred pound) but it still has the same effect on your credit file and on your future. I've personally never kept it a secret, I'm not embarrassed by it as it was because of debts ran up by ex that I had to get it, plus I'd already had to sell my house when I split up with him so there was no reposession to explain away. I have started up a DFD on here though and have found that that really helps when I'm feeling a bit rubbish about it, I just come on here and unload. Perhaps you could do one or have a personal diary type thing where you can just scribble down how you're feeling and what's getting to you about it. I've found that really helps get it out of my system. Good luck

Maizy

Thanks very much for the replies, I can live with not telling others about stuff and to be fair I wish I hadnt told the folk I had. We should have had a story stood strong and stuck to it, that way we maybe wouldnt feel like our pride is dented beyond repair, you live and learn I suppose. Impossible to say weve moved for a particular reason as we are still in the same area so its obvious why, the look on peoples faces when you say you have moved, they ask if you have bought it then you say no Im renting. Everyone knows the houses on my old street and the area have been up for over 3 years and not shifted at all.

In the grand scheme of things if the boot was on the other foot and it happened to a mate, I woulding give a stuff so why I think other people will have a lower opinion of me is beyond me. What a nightmare but cant turn the clocks back now. Why do people speak to you like its the worst thing in the world when they find out you have gone into rented accommadtion, what a narrow minded world we live in and probably why Im in this mess in the first place due to our own past thoughts on the subject. What is it they say, if I knew then what I know now................

Thanks again.

thefishdude

must admit i was quiet open about my obviously my partner knows i told me family afterwards and a most of the people i work with know and some of my friends how ever 2 of my friends are bankrupts also sooo that was obviously easier. i personally have never been bothered bot what i done in the sense of worrying what others think, that is probably more to do with my nature in that i dont as a general rule worry what others think lol.

NeverAgain_2

I would caution against telling lies, but equally there's no need to tell everyone you meet your life story.

Most people couldn't care less, not because they have an enlightened attitude, but because your situation has no impact on them.

Vikipollard

Hi Maizy,

I think the greatest battle is how you feel about yourself, rather than others' perception. Being in the pit of despair that is overwhelming debt is the best self-esteem hoover I've ever come across in my life. You're absolutely right in what you say ~ your family's happiness is the right priority, and your relationship can actually come out stronger on the other side. It's your right to choose who you actually open up to. The type of person who would judge you for your circumstances is not one you'd want to know anyway.

Although I'm not BR (I have a 6-year IVA), the effect on my relationship was hard as the debt was all mine. It took the mid-point of the IVA for me to begin to forgive myself and a further year before I realised that he'd put it to bed a couple of years before. I have been open with my kids (now 20 & 21) and my brother & sister. The only other people who know are a couple at work, but only because I had to. The overwhelming reaction I had was support ~ because they recognise how hard it is to face up to your situation and do something to change it.

Good luck, and know that at least something like this has an end to it.

Maizy

Thanks a lot folks, you are a lovely bunch.

I think in reality the whole mess is probably just overwhelming us at the moment and my self esteem is at an all time low. Hasnt helped that Ive avoided friends but a couple of folk I had to tell were very supportive and its amazing what you find out about the mess others are in. Its a close nit community and folk are starting to ask questions and putting me on the spot, I feel like just telling everyone we are getting repo'd because we couldnt afford repairs (truth) and now we have no choice but to go BR that way there isnt a temptation to tell porkies.

In some ways Im worried I will be afraid to spend in the future or come out the other side better off eventually in case we get judged but quite rightly, if people want to do that its their business. I agree that lies are not the way forward as it doesnt put closure on anything. Time is a healer and all of that.

Maybe if I had focused on myself more in the first place and priorities we would be out of the mess by now. Was just wondering if folk felt better in time about things and I do believe that our relationship will be stronger because of this, we are united on all fronts at the moment.

Still not sure how to approach my closest mates because Ive kept my issues from them for so long, part of burying my head.

Im going to sort all paperwork out today for the court so Im not leaving it to the week and Im going to get a grip and stop making issues out of things when I need my energy for the next few weeks. Thanks for all of the replies.

Teen_the_Drama_Queen

Hi Maizy

What an unearthly time you posted that this morning. Mad woman! Hope you are not laying awake at night worrying about things still.

Tell your closest friends what you don't mind them knowing and sod everyone else. When people hear half a story they make up the other half anyway. You would probably be surprised how many people are in a similar situation to you anyhow.

It's your life, you've done what you did for the best, don't dwell on what you had, what might have been and so on, just try and move on the best you can.

If people are talking about you it must mean they haven't got much in their lives going on.

Stay strong xxx

skibadee

I only told my closest friends and family at first.......then I posted on my facebook that I was 'officially bankrupt'........I had immense support from everyone.

There are people who still don't know....not their business.

I felt a huge weight had been lifted when I left the court, it was no-where near as bad as I'd expected neither was the OR...my interview with them was by phone and lasted 15mins!!......I was discharged 6 mths later.

It is hard financially without having credit to fall back on..but I'd never want it again....we just have to wait for things we want now.

Good luck

dojoman

The only people we told were our children and they were really supportive about it, if anything it has made my relationship with my wife even stronger, we are 2 years in and the time has flown by. We stayed in our home and managed to keep our car, so to anyone looking in, nothing has changed. Hopefully the next 4 years will go by as quickly and as smoothly as the first 2.