Reported a bully and now feel bad

pukkamum

My son is in yr 6 at primary school and has since yr 4 had trouble with a certain boy.
This boy wasn't bullying him per se but was threatening, pushing him about etc.
I went into school about it and also talked my son about sticking up for himself and it all stopped, my son isn't one to be walked over and wasn't an easy target for this boy.

On Monday i was at school picking my son up when he came over and said this boy and 2 others were waiting for my son's friend to 'get him' outside of school.
I went over with my son and told their teacher stood at the door.

It transpired that these boys had been bullying A for a while to the extent where A was not wanting to go school playing up for his mum etc and it had been going on for 6 mths.

The school has dealt with it very well, said bully's have been kept inside every break time and have been told that one more incident and they would be suspended with a view to exclusion.

BUT i know the family this boy is from and to say he is being dragged up is an understatement, mum has 7 kids from various fathers her house (they live near us) is quite frankly disgusting (i had to go in there once). and i can't help but feel for him.
I have just found out he has been kicked off the local football team that both boys play for as they also have an anti-bullying policy and i can't help but feel that now he has nothing is it only going to make him worse.

I know i did the right thing but i can't help but feel sorry for him and a bit guilty.

pollypenny

It's fine to feel sorry for him, but you did the right thing, pukkamum.

It's a shame that he doesn't have any role models to teach him proper 'manly' behaviour. The football coaches may have been the ones to help.

Tropez

But on the flip side, if nothing were being done about his behaviour then it would just reinforce it. Regardless of his home-life, something has to be done in order for him not to grow up to become another crime statistic.

I wouldn't feel guilty. By reporting him you're actually giving him a chance. If his behaviour were to go unchecked then that would be more damaging to him than at least trying to ensure that he is taught that his behaviour is unacceptable. Maybe he will never learn and become a statistic in the future anyway but at least you're giving him a chance.

BitterAndTwisted

Of course you did the right thing. Having empathy for a child who isn't being raised properly is understandable but not something you can fix yourself. Perhaps they'll let him rejoin the football team once he's proved that he's mended his ways?

pukkamum

pollypenny wrote: »

It's fine to feel sorry for him, but you did the right thing, pukkamum.

It's a shame that he doesn't have any role models to teach him proper 'manly' behaviour. The football coaches may have been the ones to help.

Yes i agree, this is what has upset me most as perhaps the football was a good outlet for him, i can't stop thinking about him and what he will be doing instead of football.
I forgot to add also that i have conflicting views on how my son reporting it was dealt with.
They kept all the boys in and had a big class chat and my son was commended for reporting it in front of the whole class including the bullies, and also given a headteachers award for bravery, now this boy lives near us and my son has already has a slight conflict with him outside of school and i can't help but worry about retaliation.

Mojisola

pukkamum wrote: »

I forgot to add also that i have conflicting views on how my son reporting it was dealt with.

They kept all the boys in and had a big class chat and my son was commended for reporting it in front of the whole class including the bullies, and also given a headteachers award for bravery, now this boy lives near us and my son has already has a slight conflict with him outside of school and i can't help but worry about retaliation.

I wouldn't be happy with this way of handling things, either. Far better to have a general talk about bullying, why it shouldn't happen and how it makes people feel.

There's no reason why your son couldn't be privately commended for standing up for his friend but doing it in public could leave him open to retaliation. The bully won't be able to get back at the teachers but he could take it out on your son.

Teddy_KGB

Mojisola wrote: »

I wouldn't be happy with this way of handling things, either. Far better to have a general talk about bullying, why it shouldn't happen and how it makes people feel.

There's no reason why your son couldn't be privately commended for standing up for his friend but doing it in public could leave him open to retaliation. The bully won't be able to get back at the teachers but he could take it out on your son.

The bullies probably already knew who told the teachers about this anyway.

pukkamum

I am really trying to resist the urge to take this boy under my wing, i used to work as a family support officer and i know too well how some of these children are treated at home and how they turn out.
I suggested to my DH that maybe we could invite him for tea but he said i was bonkers and there was no way but i can't help but feel i should do something!

Mojisola

Teddy_KGB wrote: »

The bullies probably already knew who told the teachers about this anyway.

They probably did but the teachers making a big public event out of it would raise emotions and could lead to retaliation.

System

I agree with your OH I'm afraid, not that you're bonkers lol but that it would be a bad idea.

It might work that your son's good influence rubs off on the boy, but equally you would be dumping a bully onto your son as a 'new friend' , not only might that be a bad thing for your son in terms of influence but also that kids at school will associate your son with the bully and avoid him also.

Mojisola

Could you have a word with the football coaches and see if they could allow him back for a probationary period with reinstatement dependent on his behaviour improving?

Some kids do start off with the odds stacked against them and some strong male role models could be a turning point for him.