Only a couple of weeks after we have faced our debt and all we are doing is arguing..

good_advice

Hi Dj, just been reading through your post...
When the going gets tough just live one day at a time. we have all been there at some point.
Try not answering back to snide remarks...talking is a two way conversation and he will get fed up talking to himself.

When I feel down I have a bath and wash my hair, it makes me feel better.

You could try now you have said something horrible say something nice?

Take care....

immoral_angeluk

I was in the same boat in my previous marriage. He was the reckless spender and totally resented me for telling him what he could and couldn't afford. But at the end of the say he couldn't afford to be spending what he was, it wasn't my fault! I just had to ignore it and as others have said, a one way argument doesn't work.

aliasojo

katsu wrote: »

Shimmer, it really sounds like he hasn't accepted the situation fully.

I think he has and it's just coming home to him now exactly what it means in reality.

He's probably angry/resentful/depressed about it/panicking that life is over etc etc. (Can you tell I've been there? )

He's not wrong for feeling as he does, but he is wrong for how he deals with his feelings. Taking it out on you OP is easy and it makes him feel better to lash out but he's had his go at that and now he needs to stop.

It's fine to cut him some slack until he deals with his feelings about it all, but don't let it go on for too long. If you do, then he will always see you as the whipping boy thereafter. Don't argue or snipe back at him, but do be calm and sensible and simply keep telling him that you understand how horrible the situation is but that there is only one way to get out of it and him treating you like this is not helping. He needs to see you as his accomplice in getting out of the mess, not his enemy for getting into it.

The calmer and more reasonable you are, the quicker he will wake up to his behaviour.

At least, that's the theory. Good luck. Debt is one of the worst relationship busters you can get, it takes determination to deal with it.

jetplane

Hi I hope your feeling better today. One thing I noticed when reading your post yesterday (2nd one I think) it seems as if you take responsibility for the finances in your house. It was you who was looking at how much you owe and whether to consolodate and how to repay it. Not that I am saying this is a bad thing because some people are better at the maths and the spreadsheets.

However if it is because your partner doesn't understand money it could be that he is simply panicking and sees it as black and white ie. you can either spend or you can't. last week you could, this week you can't. And it doesn't matter how many times you go through it with him, it won't make sense.

If this is a whole new way of budgeting your partner may have to try it out for a month to see that it can work, especially if he has never budgeted before. Maybe starting a whole new way of spending just before your birthday month and christmas is ambitious.

Have you got into a situation where you make the major financial decisions or it is you who calculates what you can afford? If not and he is usually responsible then maybe you each have to be responsible for your own debt and let him get on with it. I know couples who have been together a long time but who have seperate finances.

We can't aways have the same approach to money it's just easier when we do.

antonia1

Hi, just read through your post and wanted to wish you luck! I hope you've had a better couple of days.

The thing that struck me, though, was this: are you sure he's properly explaining to you how he feels? Is it definately the fact you have to pay back debts that annoys him, or might it be because he feels he can't support you financially (not that he should have to, just sometimes men can be really old fashioned about that stuff)?

I'm only saying cos I was at uni when my ex was working, but he was rubbish with money and so always skint (never in debt, just never any spare cash). When I couldn't afford stuff, he felt really bad about not being able to help out (even though I didn't expect him to) and got really narky with me. Our first Christmas he got really angry / upset because I couldn't buy myself a new outfit for Christmas day and he thought that he should be buying me stuff. I threw a hissy fit along the lines of "I'm an independent young woman I don't need you to buy me stuff" and my dad sided with my ex because dad always felt it was his job to provide for the family and was glad I found someone who felt the same :mad: . It might not be the same in your situation, but thought I'd mention it just in case.

DjShimmer

Hi everyone

Wow you all seem to have hit the nail on the head in one shape or form.

we have had time to sit down and discuss everything as we were at his parents yesterday... But I have said a couple of things about when you get that extra cash you can put that in the crimbo fund and he does seem a little confused.. So hopefully tonight we can have a chat about it again...

I'm in finance so when it comes to bills etc I take charge. He 1 credit card payment to make and he manages to miss that!

I do need to sit down with him again and i csn see he is really worrying about. i look at it as a challlenge and a new thrifty way of living and really trying to get into it. And enjoying it but I think he just feels its all above his head...

Bless him I do have to explain things quite a lot. He is also a real pesimist which makes life v hard anyway. I wish I could change his thought processes drives me insane.

Jinx

The main thing is hes trying which is very encouraging