Only a couple of weeks after we have faced our debt and all we are doing is arguing..

DjShimmer

Its been two weeks since we faced our debt, we have a 3 year plan and have budgetted effectively for everything but he just keeps making snide remarks... well we wont be able to afford that for 3 years etc etc.

Its already wearing me down... its like he thinks our life is now over and likes making digs..

I cant handle that for three years....

Its my birthday next month and I said I have organised to see one of my best friends I have not seen for over a year for one evening.... and he went ballistic saying you cant afford it.. blah blah and we have just had another massive row.

I told him I have it in my budget to go out and also pay half for our evening out for my birthday.. and will try and make some extra cash if I need to..

Im only going out for two nights in december and its my birthday... and he has made me feel like rubbish..

I dont know what to do... how have you all managed it with your OH???

He just seems to be enjoying say our life is over... and if he keeps saying thing like that our marriage will be over

allym464

oh hun that sounds awful. Sounds like he isnt really facing up to reality very much. From what I have learnt communication is key but that is rather hard to do if the other person isnt up for communication or should I say mature communication. Maybe if you could elaborate on your situation we could help in other ways ie what kind of debt do you have?

Hugs your way though :grouphug:

katsu

Hi Shimmer,

Did you guys make your budget together? I'm just wondering if he hasn't bought into all the changes or feels the budget is too tight?

DjShimmer

Hi Guys

He hates the thought of having debt and likes to make a dig when ever he can about it... part of it is his and some mine..

we have a couple of loans from our wedding, consolidation of debts from cards and also car loan..

We recently looked at our debts and we had about £12k on cards:- £2.5k his £4k holiday and the rest mine... my job hasnt been going well so I havent earnt any commision to pay off the credit cards.. which I was hoping for.. The holiday I will have the money for soon but looking at the debts and how much we can pay we decided a loan would be better for 3 years.. also as you can over pay we can clear older loans sooner..

For a long time I thought over all the pros and cons to credit card shuffling, loans etc and looked at the debt shifter that works out how much interest you pay and how long it would take and there was not much difference..

In total we have 3 loans for £30k... which is not great and very scary.. but the income I am on we can manage the payments..

I read through all the posts on consolidation and the alarm bells I have faced facts im rubbish and cant have credit cards so they are all gone.. apart from one for work expenses.. but its only work.. Im going to reduce the limit so I cant overspend... I have to be dissaplined and face facts.

Im kicking myself as to where how we managed this but we have a clear plan to be debt free in 3 years if not sooner but im not sure I can handle the guilt and the way he keeps reacting to everything.

We both went through the budget planner, its doesnt sink in with him... I have had so many arguments since.. and im like but you went through it and agreed it now why are you changing your mind... we even discussed it yesterday.

I have asked him do you resent me? Im sure he does and I have said we need to stop arguing about everything as its pushing us away.. and I try and be positive.. we will get through this... we will have worse than this to deal with.. etc etc

I just feel he thinks we are the worse people in the world in debt and now we have to pay for it and not live at all for three years..

He has stormed upstairs.. I have put a little note through the door and left a mince pie and a glass of wine as a piece offering... as I dont want an atmosphere all night...

But this isnt going to go away and I dont know what to do... I wish I could just magic it all away.. but we cant and I cant handle this..

My job is awful at the moment so im looking for another job, we have a whole month in so we dont spend, weekends are spent ebaying, he is working on his website to get more private work..

But have I got this for 3 years???

I dont know what to do.... I have even thought about staying with my parents for a week, just to get away from it but its not going to solve anything..

beanielou

Agree with katsu

beanielou

At the end of the day 3 years is not a long time.

katsu

Shimmer, it really sounds like he hasn't accepted the situation fully. I really fdeel sorry for you as it sounds very difficult.

Are you both paying fair proportions of the household expenditure relative to your incomes? Can you both perhaps have a small treats budget each month? Maybe if he knows he can buy a couple of CDs/have a night out etc then he will be less difficult?

Can you talk to him about how you are both feeling and ask him what he wants to do? Would he rather clear the debts over 4yrs than 3 and have a bit more slack in the budget for example?

I was lucky in that DH and I came to have a similar view on money and have got debt free together. I think what worked for us was agreeing loosely what we wanted to do with our money, including how fast to go for being DF.

penelopedee_2

Feel sorry for you hun but it does get better.

Both of you go through a sort of shock when you buckle down and try to sort it out. Its the mindshift.

Try not to make a competition of it between yourselves. The only thing I can suggest is re-look at the budget when tonight has calmed down, and try to find a little gap in it where you both can put aside a little for fun things that you don't need to ask each other about. Otherwise it just feels like one big nasty spreadsheet and relationships are not like that x

From our household's experience it did take a while and a few stroppy evenings before we both really started to take it seriously. Yes it is stressful, but money is only money.

Keep your chin up, being nice to each other means loads and its free

allym464

Agree with Penelopedee and Katsu. Maybe you can start a fresh tomorrow and you two can have another look at the budget when you have both taken a deep breath and see if there is certain sections he is concerned about? He could just be lashing out at the general situation and you are the closest person so you cop it???

DjShimmer

He thinks the worse all the time... and when I need a little support I get it when it comes to work and a little with money but then suddenly it all seems to go out the window and he reacts like this...

We worked through the budget and every month we have a small amount for going out little purchases, etc etc so its not that tight to be honest... it does need him to get a little bit extra work but only a small amount and he has private work that pays for it...

I dont know how many times I need to sit down with him and go through everything... its like he doesnt take it in and then over reacts.. and then we argue and its a spiraling

Yeah I earn more and I pay over £700 a month for the debt and he only has one for £375.. I put alot more in the joint account etc etc... so its all very fair..

Thing is one day he is supportive and the next day he reacts like that..

I saw a skirt in tesco for £10 for work... perfect and I didnt buy it.. even though I do have money put aside I want to prove to myself I dont need to buy things...

but if its going to be like this im going to end up drinking wine and eating large amounts of value chocolate like tonight... so will be fat ugly and wearing bad clothes :rotfl: Sorry needed to make a joke..

Im at a loss what to do...

I have tried to sit down with him and discuss without arguing and talk to him about us getting through this.. but it seems all wasted when he reacts like he does as it makes me so unhappy and now we are not even talking..

DjShimmer

Aww thanks ladies you really have made me feel better...

Yeah I think he hasnt quite adjusted yet, I only got the new loan this week so he is stressing still.. and he has been sitting in front of his PC all day working on his website... so he's tired

I will sit down again with him tomorrow, but what he doesnt understand is that we can still go out every now and then and treat ourselves but he doesnt want to do it... he thinks we cant do anything that gives us a little pleasure apart from saving every penny..

3 years isnt that long, but he needs to realise we will need to release a bit of steam and not give up on life for three years..

Any tips on how to stop arguing?? I have said we both need to walk away and not react to each other but it doesnt seem to be happening..

I have consumed a whole bar of chocolate :eek: