Any Help and Advice please?

mummy2mygirls

Hello my DH has been struggerling for a long time with his work. He has a history of depression and ive been seeing signs of it coming back

Tonight he has had a little breakdown!! He has also admitted to me that he has thought about cutting himself at work just so he could leave!! (He works with knifes) First thing I am going to ask him to do is go to the drs tomorrow as I think he needs to see them again.
But I dont know how/if he can continue to work as that is his main problem and causing him lots of issues. Would he get any help with benifits till he finds a new job and if he gets paid less (which he prob will as his on a good wage now ) But atm tonight I feel that money is not as important as his wellbeing I really dont know what to do He could look into going self employed but would cost money to start out and no garentee of wage.......

I no now is not a great time to be leaving a job! We have debts aswell and have 5 children and a mortgage. I know he should stick his job out but its dragging him down and im worried how low he will drop!!

What are his options? Guess its stick it out....

sueturnersmith

I'd try and get him to see his doctor as soon as possible, and don't give up the job yet - when he feels a bit better the job might seem less of a strain.

mummy2mygirls

Thank you. I know thats prob the best. I really hope they can help - but i know before they just give some anti d's and send him packing! Im getting him to have a sick day tomorrow to go and see them. Fingers crossed things improve soon....

bobajob_1966

Can he pinpoint what it is at work that is getting him down? Talking tends to be the best therapy in these situations (unless he is extremely depressed), and that is often something that a loved one can help with just as well as a professional.

mummy2mygirls

We do talk about it lots. Its everything about the job he is in atm and mainly the people he works for and the way they treat him. I am just worried about him admitting he wanted to hurt himself (and thankful that he didnt get to the actual point of doing it) He didnt want to admit it I could tell but so glad he has.

Fingers crossed if he goes to the drs tomorrow he can get some help. Maybe also get a little time off (few days) in which he can sort his head a little and maybe things wont be so bad - but its been going on for mths now and every now and again it gets really bad! Our home life is really being effected and the kids are seeing the effects of it all. So something has to chang

The plan was to save after xmas and see if we can get enough funds behind us to start trying for him to go self employed ( he has spoken to lots of sub contractors in his work who say they are finding it ok to get work etc out there at the moe - but its still a BIG worry that he might not) ideally we would like to clear the debt first and then he can go self employed - but I dont see him being able to live a life like he is for a good few years to come.

Its just hit a real low! I now feel bad as ive spent the money we have been saving on xmas stuff for the kids but we could have used it for the start of some savings/paid of debt.....

bobajob_1966

There is a website called 'Living Life to the Full' that offers an online CBT plan - maybe worth a look if he cannot get more immediate help through the GP?

Self harm can be very worrying for those around the sufferer, but it tends to be used as a way of releasing frustration rather than wanting to do long term damage. If he can find other ways to vent that frustration, hopefully those thoughts will subside.

I can't help but think that things would be even worse if he resigned, as your money worries would be far worse. Could he look into the self employed option whilst still working, or whilst he has a few days off?

I hope you get something sorted - and you've got nothing to feel bad about, you weren't to know this was going to happen.

Oldernotwiser

mummy2mygirls wrote: »

Thank you. I know thats prob the best. I really hope they can help - but i know before they just give some anti d's and send him packing! Im getting him to have a sick day tomorrow to go and see them. Fingers crossed things improve soon....

Anti depressants can be very effective so this may well be the best short term treatment for him if they can help him to cope.

It would probably be a good idea not to go wasting any more money at the moment and to have a look at whether you can return any of the things you've already bought.

As you say, your husband's health is the most important thing at the moment.

nannymiaow

I appreciate you are worried about your husband and totally agree that he should see your GP as soon as possible, but I have never understood this compulsion to give up a paying job. You have FIVE children, debts and a mortgage. He feels low now - how is he going to feel when he can't pay the mortgage or buy clothes for the kids? Christmas is round the corner - a nightmare time for those on benefits. Not going to help his depression is it? Being unemployed is a vey quick route to deeper depression. Consider getting him the help and support he needs, consider counselling as well as anti depressants. I know there are long waiting lists so while he is earning pay for him to have private sessions. Your aim should be to get him better and back to work asap - not out of a job. Alternatively, can you work and he stay at home with the kids?

bestpud

It is natural to want rid of the thing you feel is causing all the problems, but in reality, he is unlikely to feel any better for giving up his job without an alternative in place.

At the moment you are both focusing too much on his job as a never ending pit of despair.

If self-employment is the route he wants, start making concrete plans now. It will never be risk free, but his current situation isn't either.

Get all the info you need and have an action plan. That way, he can see an end to his current job and it will hopefully spur him on a bit. It has to be a viable plan though - something he knows will happen.

As said, take back any presents you can. The children would rather have happy parents than gifts.

Have you asked for debt advice on the debt free wannabe board? And the oldstyle board for help with cutting your outgoings?

Feeling out of control can be a contributory factor in depression, so it's vital you can both feel you are moving in the right direction.

mummy2mygirls

Thank you all for your replies.
Yeah I have asked in the DFW and am always on the oldstyle board. There are lots of ways which we can save money and are trying to deal with the debts etc. we havent added to the CCs etc for a long time now and are trying to deal with them all asap.
I know we have debts and children to surport - thats why we are NOT going to make and quick dessions. He has felt like this for a VERY long time and its hit a very low at the mo!!

I think are main thing is to save and sort out some money so that he can go self employed. We CANT carry on as we are! Neither of us want to lose our house or the kids to be effected in anyway! (Which they are at the moment as its not a nice atmosphere to bring them up with a Dad as upset as he is ) Thats why he has stuck it out for so long! I also do not think he will ever just leave his job. We need a plan and to make sure we can pay all our bills etc.

I could look for work and if it happened that i got a job and he didnt then yes I would work and let him be a SAHD - but I would not get a very well paid job. So I think he should still look for a new job and if he doesnt get as well paid then I could get a part time evening job to help up the wages aswell?? If I am lucky enough too get one.

I would rather us be a little tighter and be happy then to carry on with things as they are. But we DO need a action plan and will not rush into anything with out a lot of planing and know what route we are going to go down.

I guess we would get a little help with tax credits? If we were to take a cut in wages but I didnt know if we would still get some help if he has brought it on himself by leaving his job voulentry? We do not ever want to just rely on benifits! Never have we been on benifits and do not wish to put us in that situation if it could be helped. So we wont just leave without a plan or job ready!

He is at the Drs as I write this so hopefully they will be able to offer some help wheather it be Anti D's or counciling - We have both been to counciling before but it was with a charity which deals with a ccertain subject and was a donation on what you could afford. So I have no idea what a private one would be?? Will look into it if he feels it will help him - anything has to be worth a try......

Thank you all again for your replys. I guess last night was a thump to remind me that we need to sort something and have some kind of plan for him to get out at some point - It just feels like it will take forever to ever be able to afford to get out of the job he is in

bestpud

Look on the BCAP website for accredited counsellors. Most are willing to negotiate on price for clients facing hardship so don't be afraid to ask.

It seems you are in a bit of a rut and struggling to see the wood for the trees, but it will get better if you work together and take things a step at a time.

I don't know, but is it worth contacting Businesslink or the like for help with planning self employment?

I believe they run courses to help with all the practicalities - tax and what not. I wonder if something like that may give your OH some hope?