Is it normal to cut yourself off from people?

happymand

Hi so here's my story (as quickly as possible) - my on/off partner died suddenly of a heart attack aged 39 just over three years ago. I had to say goodbye to him at the Hospital (a week after his heart attack) before they switched the machine off as he was brain dead. We hadn't spoken for a week which was normal for us as he was always accusing me of something but my whole World fell apart.

I only have a very small family and I don't have any children. He lived in a house that I rented to him as I wasn't ready to live with him although we were together over three years, the accusations and paranoia wouldn't stop. His family didn't contact me until his friend begged me to let him move in the house and they accused him of stealing some of my bf's stuff and selling it. I didn't want anyone living in the house as that's where he had his heart attack - I just wanted to board it up but as this guy was with him and phoned the ambulance then I thought it was what my on/off boyfriend would have wanted -however, the guy then stole the rent for the first few months as the Benefits pay him and he was meant to give it to me!

My boyfriend's family had each other -my family just weren't there for me. I had to take my mother to the airport for her flight back home about 8 hours after I was told of his heart attack and it never occurred to her to change it (not that it would have changed what happened). I get that they have their own problems and I respect that so I turned to my 'friends'. I had a friend who I thought I was close to (she'd had several heart attacks) so I took her out for lunch as I know now I was reaching out to her but as she got out of my car when I dropped her off she told me that I needed to stop 'mourning!' She seemed angry with me and i was dumbstruck as it had only been two and a half weeks since his funeral and I'd known him since I was 15. Needless to say I have never seen her since as she hurt me so deeply with that comment. Although it doesn't stop her asking me for free legal advice for her and her family although I now ignore her as friendship should be a two way street in my book.

My only other friend has never had a relationship in his life so couldn't relate nor had anyone he known died suddenly and told me not so long ago 'just to think a few years ago...you had it all!'

I tried to volunteer as a 'befriender' - people who visit the elderly and pick up shopping for them etc as the recession kicked in a couple of months after my bf's death so I haven't been working, but they wanted to stick me in an office instead.

I went to see my mother in America a few months after his death with the notion that when I returned I would make a fresh start but upon return I had to have my dog put down! Yes one thing after another ....

I feel like I have been on another planet for the last few years as I can't understand why no-one cares - no-one visited me, it's always me having to visit them. I tried to make excuses for them i.e that I was such a strong person that to see me devastated results in them not being able to cope.

I can only say that entering competitions on this site helps me fill my days along with taking my dog out for walks (my bf bought him for me as a pup a couple of years before he died). I have tried counselling but I find counsellors removed or detached which I understand as they can't take their work home with them but am willing to try another counsellor.

Is it me or are people so insular nowadays? Is it normal to cut yourself off in order to protect yourself? Other people want my advice (professional and personal) but it's always one way. I have lost all my ambition and motivation probably in part due to people constantly kicking me whilst I am down - I used to have my own business as well as my career but now I have nothing except the roof over my head (for now).

Am I the only one who thought their friends and family would be there for them when needed only to be let down and hurt?

Welshwoofs

Could it be that your family and friends don't really understand why you're so devastated by the death of this man? You said he was an on/off boyfriend that you didn't live with and whom you hadn't talked to for a week before his death because he was always accusing you of something. From the outside, people may be thinking that it wasn't much of a relationship and perhaps think that, because of that, you'll simply be sad for a few days but then move on. They may be quietly thinking that you're a lot better off without him.

Have you tried telling your family/friends that it's cut you up perhaps more than they realise?

happymand

Thank you Welshwoofs for your reply - perhaps you are right but the fact they see me or hear me crying would surely show them how devastated I am? Perhaps they are not used to me being upset as my father (ex squaddie) drilled it into us not to cry but this whole thing has shattered my heart and a little empathy wouldn't be too much to ask for surely? But I take your point and will definitely give it some thought - thank you once again as it's great to get someone else's perspective.

Caroline_a

If I were you I'd think about getting another dog. Go for a pup, where you'll have to train it (attend training classes), and try to make some friends who you can dogwalk with. I have made some great mates through my dogs, and if you dont find anyone you want to be friends with, you'll still have a dog to walk and play with!

Welshwoofs

happymand wrote: »

Thank you Welshwoofs for your reply - perhaps you are right but the fact they see me or hear me crying would surely show them how devastated I am? Perhaps they are not used to me being upset as my father (ex squaddie) drilled it into us not to cry but this whole thing has shattered my heart and a little empathy wouldn't be too much to ask for surely? But I take your point and will definitely give it some thought - thank you once again as it's great to get someone else's perspective.

Well I think there may be a few things at play. If, as you say, you're not used to crying then those around you may have got so used to it that they're not quite sure how to react now you're acting 'out of character.' People often react to situations they're uncomfortable with by avoiding the thing that makes them uncomfortable.

Also, what is the impression of this chap your friends/family had? I'm a total stranger with one posting to go by, but the only things you've said about your relationship with this chap were all negatives and therefore paint a picture of a pretty awful relationship. Is it possible that your friends/family have only seen the negative sides too? If so, it may be really hard for them to understand why you're so upset some weeks down the line - they may even think it's your dog that you're upset about at this point!

I don't think you can go wrong telling them exactly how you feel and why and that you really feel alone and need support.

happymand

Hi Caroline_a I would do but my dog hates any other animal! I take him for a walk in the early hours in minimise the chances of seeing any other dogs (his bark is so loud it's embarrassing). Also funds are now severely limited so can't really afford this as an option just yet. Thank you for your suggestion though.

Nicki

It sounds to me that sadly you didn't have a support structure in place before all this happened, and that you are now expecting people who weren't in fact all that close to you, to start filling a role they aren't all that happy with. Perhaps I have misunderstood, but your post suggests that 3 years ago your inner circle consisted of: an on/off boyfriend with whom you had problems, a female friend with serious health problems and a male friend who isn't good at relationships, along with a mother who had herself an emotionally closed marriage and maybe didn't give a lot of demonstrative care to you as a child. None of these sound like ideal candidates to offer the kind of support you need at the moment, and that is no reflection on you as a person just their own inadequacies.

Could you find a bereavement support group and make some friends there? Or just expand your social life a bit, and start to make more friends. When you meet people with whom you "click" you'd be surprised at how quickly you can become close, and give mutual support.

The other thing which comes to mind is whether you are clinically depressed as a result of the bereavement and whether an appointment with your GP to discuss some medical options to help you feel better might be a good idea?

I am sorry for your loss.

happymand

Hi Welshwoofs - I think you have probably hit the nail on the head. I am a realist and did not want to put him on a pedastal as some do when someone dies. I tried my hardest to try and make it work but we just couldn't work out our problems and when you forgive someone for something and take them back then sometimes they just get worse don't they? I knew he would always be there for me when I needed him even when we were arguing he would help me if I asked him so I suppose I have lost my safety net. Still I don't think it excuses the fact that my 'friends' just weren't there for me when I needed them despite me telling them how I felt. We live and learn though.

happymand

Hi Nicki - yes I thought I had closer friendships with these people and so when this happened it just proved to me I suppose that we weren't all that close. I think when your family aren't there for you that you go to your friends or those you consider to be friends. I don't have fair weather friends - I prefer just a few close friends or who I thought was 'close friends'. I went to my G.P and was prescribed anti-deps but they didn't work for me nor the counselling as it was short term and with someone I couldn't connect with. However I am on a waiting list for another charity offering these services so fingers crossed. Am just a bit wary now of new friends or even making the effort of making new friends as I give my all in a friendship and would do and have done so much for others so it hurt me deeply that they didn't want to do the same for me - not even call round for a cup of tea and some company or the offer of it would have been really nice.

JC9297

happymand wrote: »

Thank you Welshwoofs for your reply - perhaps you are right but the fact they see me or hear me crying would surely show them how devastated I am? Perhaps they are not used to me being upset as my father (ex squaddie) drilled it into us not to cry but this whole thing has shattered my heart and a little empathy wouldn't be too much to ask for surely? But I take your point and will definitely give it some thought - thank you once again as it's great to get someone else's perspective.

You say he died over three years ago but a lot of your posts read as if it was much more recent, what I mean is you do not seem to have moved on at all. I don't mean you should have got over it, but people probably don't expect you to be bursting into tears over it still.

Many people lose partners who are the centre of their (and often their family's) world, rather than a seemingly casual on/off boyfriend, but after an initial period of mourning pick themselves up and get on with living. It doesn't mean they are not heartbroken and don't miss their loved one desperately but they have to get on and cope, often because they have children that need looking after.

I don't mean to sound mean but presumably your friends and family don't think his death should have turned your world upside down, rather like if a friend died it would be very sad but life would carry on pretty much as before.

You don't say anything like you realised too late he was the love of your life but you do call him your safety net. Are you actually missing the security you had before - a career, money and a man when you needed him? As other things have changed in your life are you focussing on his death as the cause of your unhappiness whereas it is just a contributing factor?

Welshwoofs

happymand wrote: »

I knew he would always be there for me when I needed him even when we were arguing he would help me if I asked him so I suppose I have lost my safety net. Still I don't think it excuses the fact that my 'friends' just weren't there for me when I needed them despite me telling them how I felt. We live and learn though.

That's the key phrase right there. He wasn't a good boyfriend, but he was someone you could turn to when you needed support and now he's gone.

Unfortunately, sometimes the people we think should be there for us in life, simply aren't. There may be numerous reasons why your friends and family aren't giving you the emotional support you need, but whatever the reasons the result is the same. I think that really your options are telling them bluntly how this has hit you...that you feel you've lost your support...and if that gets you nowhere, then at least you know where you stand.

I can certainly empathise with your set-up as I'm very similar - I'm 42, live on my own, have no children and I'm an only child as well so no siblings. I have very few relatives in this country; everyone my age is in Australia so I rarely see them. I've also moved a lot so forever having to forge new friendships and have had to create strategies for doing that.

Now the positives of your situation are that you're not working at the moment so it's the perfect time to widen your social network. You've ruled out dog walking (which is a pity because they certainly are a great way to meet people), but how about joining some clubs or societies? How about seeing if there is a local book club who meet up? How about taking up a new interest? Look to see if there are any evening classes in something that looks fun....I met some great people on an evening creative writing course at a local college for instance. I'd also recommend organisations like http://www.walkingwomen.com/ - they're great because they're all women and people tend to go on their own so you're not the 'odd one out'.

It sounds as though you need to give yourself some time and space to be good to yourself.