My brother is having suicidal thoughts :(

3v3

emylou wrote: »

...
I understand my brother saying things doesn't mean he will actually carry them out ...

That is, of course, quite true

However, and I do not mean to scare you, the opposite is also true: saying it out loud doesn't mean he *won't*

It took 2yrs from my brother (eldest, stoic, coper, would never in a million years believe it) saying it, once, to doing it. Not one day goes by where I do not regret doing more (although, what? I was reassured by those who told me "people who talk about it don't do it").

The alcohol will only aggravate any of those feelings; a family history of depression, coupled with alcohol dependancy will also be flagged as a warning factor. He states he wants to get away from everything and he uses alcohol to "escape": yet the alcohol isn't working as an escape.

You know "S" better than people on this forum; the question I would put to you is this: at which point does your molehill become a mountain? If you intervene in some way (talking to him/GP/Al-anon/Samaritans/your own GP for advice?) and he gets in a strop with you? Hey, you acted in good faith, right? Or, when you stand at his graveside and wonder, why didn't you do something? Anything?

Take the facts as they are presented:
~ mother depressed, turns to alcohol
~ brother P suffered depression
~ brother S suffering despair (vocalised) and turning to alcohol as an escape
~ SIL emotional and concerned
~ 9yo niece witnessing this distress of her father and mother.

I'm not quite sure at which point you will think the molehill is of mountainous proportions - that is *your* judgement call. However, for me - the mountain is looming large already.

I admit, my views my be coloured and biased by my own experience and I may be making a wrong call. However, with experience, I would rather face the wrath of making 1000 "wrong" calls than ignoring the one true one

You've posted because you are concerned. Molehill? Or, mountain

The major question isn't *if* you do something about it (from my perspective) it is *how* you go about doing something about it!

I don't have an answer for that. GP's vary; mental health support is also regionally varied. Samaritans will listen. No experience of Al-Anon. Have you thought to talk to S? Even if it means taking him for a drink to get him to open up? (Not that I think that is the best of ideas). Could P speak to S? Having experience of it himself might make him the ideal person to make a connection! But then, only if P is up to it himself?

I hope you find a way to move forward with this. For your sake, for S's sake and especially for his little girl's sake! Good luck (and sorry I couldn't have been more help )

euronorris

emylou wrote: »

# 6
meritaten what an awful situation for you, your son and DiL!!



I understand my brother saying things doesn't mean he will actually carry them out and everything but I sometimes feel so helpless, what with my Mum suffering from depression, refusing most help and turning to alcohol for as long as I can remember really. My other brother "P" suffered quite badly a few years ago and apart from work he never left the flat (I lived with him and hated seeing him so miserable and hearing people say "pull yourself together" "what have you got to be miserable about" etc etc because I know they are not helpful comments but I also sometimes got frustrated with him!)

The brother this relates to "S" always seems to be strong and independent hence this is quite shocking to me as I would never have guessed he was not coping with things. Recently he has not come to family functions but earlier this year there was a fall out between my SiL & "P" which never really got resolved so I kind of put his absence at these events down to that "S" doesn't know SiL has spoken to me and I am worried that I will make a mountain out of a molehill but I really don't want them to be suffering without helping as best I can

Please don't forget to look after you too. Having family members who are going through this is deeply upsetting and can trigger depression in yourself. So, if you are finding it difficult yourself, please see your GP and see what support is available in your area for you too.

I'm sorry, but I don't have the answers with regards to your brother. I wish I did All I do know is, that if a grown adult doesn't want help and they haven't been sectioned, there is little you can do to help them.

fluffnutter

Isn't it about time that proper concerted efforts were made by this society to remove the stigma around mental health? It makes me so sad and cross that this guy won't visit his doctor because he 'doesn't want it on his record'. He's not well, just as he wouldn't be well if he had pneumonia. This isn't something his family, no matter how well-meaning, can resolve.

He needs to see his GP. I'd get quite tough I think... along the lines of 'You're upsetting our children, they know you're not well. They're frightened and worried. See the doctor for their sake'.

euronorris

fluffnutter wrote: »

Isn't it about time that proper concerted efforts were made by this society to remove the stigma around mental health? It makes me so sad and cross that this guy won't visit his doctor because he 'doesn't want it on his record'. He's not well, just as he wouldn't be well if he had pneumonia. This isn't something his family, no matter how well-meaning, can resolve.

I agree. I think things have improved, compared with 10, 20, 30 years ago etc, but there is still soooo much room for improvement.

He needs to see his GP. I'd get quite tough I think... along the lines of 'You're upsetting our children, they know you're not well. They're frightened and worried. See the doctor for their sake'.

It's hard to do that though, when you're scared about how they will react and what if that turns out to be the straw that broke the camels back (so to speak).

But at the same time, something needs to be said. I don't know what the answer is here. Maybe information, like a webpage about it and just a gentle 'You mentioned x, y and z last night. I know you don't want to talk about it now, but I am worried about you and thought you might find this helpful. Please know that I am always here for you to talk to.'.

Unfortunately though, sometimes the fog of depression can be so thick, that even the thought of someone else being hurt/upset by the depression isn't enough to take action (or leads to a more upsetting action).

OP, I just remembered that there are some websites that you may find helpful: https://www.turn2me.org/index.php/forum/index?gclid=CM79hLyA8qsCFdRX4QodXxEyww

http://www.getconnected.org.uk/?gclid=CK37y9GA8qsCFVIntAodukwwdQ&ef_id=HZhOnVJg9DcAAIHz:20111018101808:s

And this one which is aimed at men:

http://www.thecalmzone.net/

Lotus-eater

OP, your brother was me at the start of this year I went from coping and never admitting having depression, to complete breakdown in a few weeks.
I've no real idea why it happened.
You have to get him to see a doctor, you must, but you must take it slowly. There are many things they can do to help, but it must be started.

Kay is right, that he is doing something normal is very good. The person that really needs support, is his wife atm, her life must be turning upside down. Offer to look after the kids if she can get him to go to the doctors, so she can go with him, if he thinks it will help.

I remember thinking that I could never get better, yet here I am, feeling better than I ever have. It was really hard, both on me and my OH.

pm if I can help in any way.

Kay_Peel

3v3 wrote: »

and sorry I couldn't have been more help

...excellent post 3v3 - wisdom backed by your own experience. The evident suffering of the OP's brother calls out for swift action, in my experience too.

katiecoodle

I just wanted to say I sympathise & agree with all those people who advise to seek medical help. My husband has been ill since April & our family holiday was terminated a week early in fact because he couldn't stop crying. The kids saw it and I felt so helpless. In fact, he was so stressed & anxious about being depressed (what a combination) that he confessed to all sorts of indiscretions in the past, and he made himself physically ill too. I went with him to the doctor and he wasn't going to say anything, but I piped up and told the GP that he'd been talking about suicide & she explained that she sees MANY people exactly the same as him. It came from nowhere, there was no obvious trigger. BUT the antidepressants she prescribed eventually worked, and he is almost back to normal. I can't tell you how much better things are. Now he went back to the gp last week to talk about reducing his dose & coming off the antidepressants. She explained that this time of year isn 't the easiest to come off them successfully & advised to wait until spring. After hearing this, I would advise you to seek medical support, sooner rather than later. Antidepressants take weeks to kick in, and if the weather can also be a factor, then I'd take it all into account.
hth. & I really really hope things are better very soon for all of you.

ognum

I just want to join in with the posters who have said please help you BIL seek help and ensure he has access to telephone numbers of someone like the Samaritans that he can turn to if he feels he cannot talk with someone in his family

The other thing I would say and I say it from experience as a CRUSE counsellor for the bereaved When things look better sometimes they are about to get bad It is often when people appear to be back to normal that they do actually commit suicide and I have spent time with many people who cant believe it has happened because they felt thier loved one was 'back to normal'

Please get expert help depresion is a devistating illness and can be helped

emylou

Sorry I have only just got back on here and read the thread- I am feeling rubbish at the moment with a bad cold but don't want to read & run.

In some respects I am worried even more now after reading these posts but I understand and am grateful for your advice.

I wonder whether I should email this thread to my SiL but want to talk to her again face to face, not a good time to chat now though!? I spoke to my Mum about it today as SiL wants her to talk to my brother but now I'm not sure that's a good idea as. Head is all over the place and it's no wonder I can't sleep.

Thank you to the person who pointed out I need to look after myself too as I think that could easily have fallen to the bottom of my list but feels selfish thinking about me when I feel like I should be putting all my efforts into helping those around me. Saw my cousin tonight who is 37yrs old and been anorexic and bulimic since she was 14! She has been told she needs an operation but needs to gain some weight first- if she doesn't have the op she'll die!! Not sure even being told that will help her gain weight tho?! Why is life so hard sometimes!? Wish I had the magic wand to help those I love who are suffering.

Thanks for your advice so far mse'rs; I'll speak to SiL tomorrow and call our GP, I have been in touch with Alanon in the past re my Mum so may contact them again too. I agree about the stigma attached- such a shame as depression is so common

grey_lady

I feel sorry for your niece - having a depressed parent can be difficult/frightening - it's good that she can talk to you.