Don't really like myself at all

January20

going back to you first post: Why is it always women who have got to be good in bed? How often do you hear a man saying that his partner complained to him that he was not good enough?

Really annoys me this pressure on women!

Sublime_2

Yes there is. I've had controlling behaviour in the past. Wasn't nice, but finally rid, and moved on. Felt untrusting of everybody for a while, and had a tendency to over-analyse things. Was very confident though, apart from a low patch this year. Back to my normal self now.

Over it now, hopefully, so am moving on, and enjoying life. Perhaps there are some clubs, you could join to gain confidence?

Lotus-eater

You've just met some bad men. It happens, there are lots of bad men out there. But there are lots of good ones as well.
As for if it's worth finding someone new, that's up to the individual, but not that many people can live happily by themselves.
If you think you are depressed, then talk to your doctor. If you want to meet someone, try internet dating, just say you are looking for friends to start with and don't rush in with the first guy that comes along.

Tish_P

OP, to me you are coming across as strong, resourceful, hardworking and thoughtful. Forget about blokes for now, wait until your self esteem is strong enough and you are ready. Do you have friends? If not, find some. Start a new hobby (anything involving exercise will make you feel better about your body and boost your mood) or do some voluntary work for a charity if you can. Be kinder to yourself - you can't be both too loud AND too quiet. Do little things that make you happy.

I think it's when people are *happily* single that they are most likely to find a happy relationship.

aliasojo

redlight wrote: »

What I don't like about me? I've always been 'too heavy', my hair hasn't been the right colour, I've been too quiet, too loud, don't dress right, don't interact with people in the right way.

I think you are an 'overthinker'.

I think you are maybe analysing too much.

I always seem to lurch from one mini crisis to another and could never understand why other people seem to just 'manage' their life without all the drama that I always seem to experience.

I was told one day that I am an overthinker and upon reflection, they were right. It is most definitely a character flaw.

Other people have experiences, see them for what they are, put them away and move on.

I have experiences and wonder 'why did that happen', 'why did that person act like that' 'that is clearly so unfair, why did they do/say that'? Etc. I'm a logical type of thinker but what I fail to take into account is that just sometimes, people are unfathomable to anyone other than themselves. Being fair just doesn't register on their life's guage as much as it does on mine. Trying to analyse another person's actions is the route to madness! It's like water trying to understand why it can't mix with oil. When really, all it needs to accept is that it just can't. End of.

I think you need to feel comfortable in your own skin and have as fullfilling a life as you can, before you can break that way of thinking.

I'm still working on the fullfilling bit. :rotfl:

If you are happy within, you will value yourself more and be less attractive to those who are incapable of a serious grown up relationship and you will be less accepting of their rubbish. I don't think you have a strong sense of who you are so you tend to go with the flow of other people and that's why things don't tend to work out.

Maybe you should forget the relationship thing for now and spend some time with you? What could you change that would improve your confidence and self esteem so that you are less likely to fret about 'am I this, that or the other'?

If you improve you, then you will also improve the people who are attracted to you and you wont feel the need to self question all the time.

3v3

redlight wrote: »

... Had some form of counselling through the docs to try to work some of this out, but she just wanted me to fill in charts about little things that had happened that had made me happy and stuff. I stopped going after a bit, it didn't seem to be helping.
....
What I don't like about me? I've always been 'too heavy', my hair hasn't been the right colour, I've been too quiet, too loud, don't dress right, don't interact with people in the right way.

Writing down the little things that made you happy is a way of focusing on the positive aspects in your life. By understanding and knowing which little things make you happy, the aim would be that you create more of those opportunities in your life which then addresses the balance of unhappy/happy.

The list you give of what *you* don't like about you reads more like a list of what *others* have said they don't like about you

'Surface' confidence is not real confidence; but you know that already You have to like who you are (warts and all ) and I don't mean the outside bits like hair colour/weight/dress sense. I mean *who* you are.

Focus on what your strengths are (and part of that is knowing what makes you happy!) so, start with practical strengths: good at DIY/cooking/decorating/driving/multitasking/art/engineering/whatever? What characterists make you good at those practical skills? Patience? Determination? Creativity? Etc.
List all the things you have ever dreamed/wanted to accomplish - if you're going to live until 83 you can cram a lot in, and then make time to start ticking things off that list

Relationship success/failure is a two-way thing. If you believe you will live until 83 it's time to put the past behind you, build your inner confidence which will shine through to the surface and any relationship you find yourself in in the future will be one of value. You have to value yourself first.

redlight_2

Do you know, over 15 years of disastrous relationships, and 15 years being on my own & seeing my 'aloneness' as something wrong with me, I never thought of some of the things that some of you have said.

I didn't intentionally project myself as confident. I was just happy to be me and have fun, and that was obviously an attraction. Aliasojo, you;re right in that I tended to go with the flow of other people, don't do that so much now.

Have been thinking a lot today, and have realised that my ex's all had a shared factor, not thought of that before, they had all been recently dumped by their wives/long term partners prior to us meeting, and there was unfinished complications from the split in each case. Needy.

I was a shoulder to cry on, and let things develop into something else, which it shouldn't have done. When they no longer needed my support, they compared me to their ex (hence the hair colour etc), and were possibly frustrated that they were in a relationship that they didn't want anymore, but I'd 'do'. I was a stop-gap, the rebound.

I really tried tho. No 4 told me he was sorry he couldn't love me as I should be loved, then had an affair - so I walked again, this time tho with a fairy princess in tow.

Maybe you're right, I shouldn't be as hard on myself as I have been. then again, my dad always said I had no staying power.