In laws..

Beetle_lover

Thought maybe this would be the right place to vent as someone probably knows how I feel.

Always gotonwithmy inlaws but now the wedding is causing problems and it's upsetting/stressing me out!!

Basically I live in north east bit all my family is down in the midlands. Just don't feel as if H2Bs parents are bothered about us getting married. They didn't even get us a card.

They appeared at the house one day saying they would pay for a venue they would pay for a particular venue, one catch it only holds 20 people!!! Not having a massive wedding but that isn't enough! Wasn't even cheap as was going to cost over £2000. When I politely declined they said they would still put some money towards the day.

Heard nothing for weeks so when H2B went out for dinner with them I told him to ask about paying for photographer (I thought they would prefer to pay for something rather than give money) they said nothing and then advised that they thought it was too much for a photographer!

My parents were visiting and all MIL did was roll her eyes when talking about it as she thinks that venue is too much and is asking lots of money questions which to be honest at the moment aren't her business.

I'm trying to budget for the wedding and it's hard when I don't know what they are contributing, I'm worried they are goingto go and buy something we don't want. One minute they aren't even bothered about wedding and next min they want to know costs, it's making me feel uncomfortable. Is it too much to want a little support from them? I'm supposed to be joining their family and I feel like they don't care!!


Can I just point out before people get the wrong idea that of they didn't want to contribute that would be fine but they are keeping me in the dark.

bride2be2012

oh my goodness, you could be me! Going through exactly the same thing! In-laws offered us £500 when we set a date (about a quarter of our budget) - have heard nothing since so don't know if it's coming or not. They don't want to speak about the wedding unless it's to have a moan or ask how much things are costing.

MIL2B promised not to interfere - but has organised us a DJ (which I'm not fussed about), tried to organise our cake (when it's been sorted for months and took offence when we told her this), keeps calling OH to complain the hotel is too expensive for most of the family to stay over (most of them have already booked it!)..I could go on!

As with you, I'm not fussed if they give us the £500 or not, I just want to know if it's coming so I can plan our budget! Off to visit them this weekend, so will see if we can get a straight answer! Hope you get things sorted!

laurarobby

i think i would just sort it my self and just act on that they arent contributing and if they want to give u some cash then kindly accept. i have 2 sets on inlaws one i didnt get along with and one i kind of did but since getting engaged and having our second son the ones i didnt get along with have been brilliant i think they have finally accepted (6yrs and 2 children later) that we are serious and do love eachother very much they are giving us a donation towards the day and are making the cake. the ones i did already get along with arent that bothered i thought as its his mother she would be interested they dont have anymoney which isnt what i want it would just be nice for her to be excited for her son's wedding day but she's never interested! we've learnt to ignor it and just get on with things i keep her up to date but she's never interested.

sorry for a bit of a rant but it might be less stressful if u just put them to one side and if they want to co-operate with ur plans they will do.. just budget as if they arent helping and if they do eventually then its a bonus! x

Beetle_lover

Argghhhh!!! So reliving speaking to someone else who feels the same!!

Ended up crying to my rents the other week which got them annoyed, they are having to pay most deposits at the mo and being so supportive, I'm so grateful!

Also they have been panicking H2B! Came home stressed about how much we are spending! I'm not spending loads but at the same time I only want to do this once and so I'm doing it how I want it, especially as I'm paying the bulk of money!

When's your big day? You much done?

sharpee

I'm from the North-east, which is where we are getting married but we live down south where my partner is from.

His family aren't interested at all in our Wedding either. They don't ask us about any of the planning or even offered to help contribute to it!. They are more interested in his sisters wedding which is 4 months after ours but they are getting married abroad somewhere hot.

We were made to feel bad as we said we wouldn't be going to her wedding as we couldn't afford it after paying for ours.

They just dont seem interested which actually suits me fine. Although it would have been nice for them to show some interest.

You have my sympathy. Just plan your day they way you want it. If they do end up offering to pay for something and you have already planned/paid for it kindly explain that to them.

Its your day not theirs so just ignore their comments and eye rolling!

Beetle_lover

Thanks everyone. It's a relief knowing I'm not the only one.

A bit of enthusiasm would be lovely. MIL has already got her outfit which I suppose is a good sign bit would of been nice to have been asked to go shopping with her, I've invited her to dress shops, not that she has ever came.

When we do rarely talk about it they always say why don't you just go abroad and do it by yourselves!! Not exactly being supportive.

Trying to budget without them but problem is I'm getting a loan for the wedding, I've got no choice bit want it for as little as possible so would be helpful if I knew what they were doing to save more debt.

*sigh* always thought I would have it easy with my inlaws, guess not! It's nice to have a support network on here though as OH tends to want to just keep things simple all the time, not argue and play peacemaker etc

Beetle_lover

Forgotto asks where are you getting married sharpee?

sharpee

Matfen Hall, how about you?

Beetle_lover

Linden hall

Sunny_Saver

Hello

I've been married for three, almost four years now.

When I got married, my mother paid for everything, but still my MIL tried to interfere and was very painful. I tried to keep the peace and didn't say anything when I should have and also let her do a few things.

To this day, I regret not saying anything and not being stronger.

Please don't be like me. Yes I have an elephatine memory, so doesn't help... but sometimes it's good to make your point rather than live to regret not saying it.

MaggieBaking

Money has the habit of making things complicated - and I think your in-laws are proving to you how they are awkward too! The two together sound like a nightmare.

If I were you I'd budget and pay for everything without them, then if they say again "we'd like to contribute" you can clearly ask them what amount they were thinking of and figure out a few things from your budget that will work out the same price and say "what an intuitive amount, that'd be perfect as we haven't arranged x,y,z which will be slightly under that sum - we'd be ever so grateful!"

In the meantime, try asking your MIL for her opinion on something you really don't care about, or that the choices are so similar it doesn't matter what her opinion is... For example "MIL, you know far more about wine than I do, I'm being offered the choice of pinot grigio for a sauvignon to have with dinner, which one do you think is better?" or advice between bridesmaids dresses, or background music to play during the wedding breakfast.

Etiquette-ly speaking, I recall parents of the groom offer to pay for the men's suits, or the champagne toasts.

I know finances are always tight around weddings, but I would have to wonder if their new awkwardness is them trying to imply they can no longer afford to contribute financially. I would subtly oblige them and not mention costs to them again. Get the MIL back on board with some of the fun wedding ideas if she wants an input, to keep her onside. But get the largest loan you can assuming you will get no further monies - then you can be pleasantly surprised if you receive some and pay off your loan early, or put it in savings till you can take it off the loan.