My little bro..

Lifeisbutadream

Mammato1 wrote: »

Lifeisbutadream, I am sure there is a lot to a story, no need to get defensive and I really feel for your brother - he obviously is commited if he paid so much and had a kid over.
That's why I'm trying to help posting what I know for certain.

Forgot to say, some CABs have arrangements with solicitors who then provide half an hr consultation for free on CAB premises. Otherwise it is costly.

Yes, difficult with school and he wouldn't be able to have half week here, half there - I think that's out of questions (also disruptive for any child) but if he was to see the child at the weekend, he could insist on splitting the costs and time to travel (to which she will probably say no, and then he will have to either fight in court or if he feels he can't at the moment he will have to agree).

If I was to move away from my ex I would not ask him to pay but this is just me.

Sorry for getting defensive, but last time I asked for advice when they first split there were so many who came on saying that he had probably abused her and that he probably deserved everything he got, that it kind of took away from what I was actually asking and just turned into a 'all men are nobs who deserve everything they get' thread!

Fiver29

As someone else said, it's unlikely he'd get legal aid, but you don't need a solicitor to go to the family court.

Is the 100 miles a long 100 mile? What I mean, 100 miles down a motorway would only be an hour and a half away, so difficult but not necessarily infeasible to have 50/50 contact. Whereas, a 100 miles on twisting country roads taking 3 hours would make such a contact split impossible.

Lifeisbutadream

Fiver29 wrote: »

As someone else said, it's unlikely he'd get legal aid, but you don't need a solicitor to go to the family court.

Is the 100 miles a long 100 mile? What I mean, 100 miles down a motorway would only be an hour and a half away, so difficult but not necessarily infeasible to have 50/50 contact. Whereas, a 100 miles on twisting country roads taking 3 hours would make such a contact split impossible.

Its 100 miles up and down dale - literally! he live in West Yorks about 40 miles from us and it takes almost 2 hours to get to him..

Fiver29

There's not going to be a 50/50 split on custody then, that would be unfair on the child.

Lifeisbutadream

Fiver29 wrote: »

There's not going to be a 50/50 split on custody then, that would be unfair on the child.

I am trying to get him to move to York - it is even further from here but then at least he can have him for longer at a time with being near the family. I am really worried about him

SuziQ

He doesn't have to use a solicitor to take a case to court to try to prevent her moving (whether he wins/she abides by any order given is another matter.) If he is having psychiatric problems I have to ask whether he is fit to have the child half the week? I would suggest he-or you- go onto families need fathers (http://www.fnf.org.uk/law-and-information/representing-yourself , also go onto the forum) they will be able to advise him in much more detail and what paperwork he needs to file. My husband has been through all this with his ex wife-she moved further and further away until it became impossible to keep contact, ignored all court orders and there isn't much a court can do to enforce them unfortunately. He had a 7 year gap when he had no contact-thankfully he is now in contact with the older one, mum has !!!!!!ed off to Kenya to marry some kid and left the boys here, one in a boarding school,although she has now moved him out to Kenya too. It is pretty unfair, what happens to a lot of parents without care. I hope he is getting support for his pyshcological issues, if he tries to fight it the stress will be enormous-I know having been through it with my husband!

I forgot to say- the first time my husband's ex didn't get her way in court, and the judge muttered the immortal words ' as there has been no violence from your husband' she came out of court and immediately made an accusation of violence, saying my husband had tried to strangle her etc, even told the very young children he had done this. He was arrested etc-unfortunately for her, she not only chose a random date for the assault when my husband was on a lecture tour in Sweden, she also involved a policeman to give evidence-and it turned out she was having a 'relationship' with him. Of course the case was thrown out, but the kids thought it was true for a long time-mud sticks. Only now, when they have seen the appalling way their mother has behaved towards them and subsequent partners, do they see the truth. It's a horrible subject that I feel very passionate about, sorry to ramble on!

The real victims in these situations are the children-moving the child away from your brother is a very selfish thing to do (in most cases-I am not making any comment on other people who have different reasons for doing so, although even then, the kids may suffer.)

Lifeisbutadream

SuziQ wrote: »

He doesn't have to use a solicitor to take a case to court to try to prevent her moving (whether he wins/she abides by any order given is another matter.) If he is having psychiatric problems I have to ask whether he is fit to have the child half the week? I would suggest he-or you- go onto families need fathers (http://www.fnf.org.uk/law-and-information/representing-yourself , also go onto the forum) they will be able to advise him in much more detail and what paperwork he needs to file. My husband has been through all this with his ex wife-she moved further and further away until it became impossible to keep contact, ignored all court orders and there isn't much a court can do to enforce them unfortunately. He had a 7 year gap when he had no contact-thankfully he is now in contact with the older one, mum has !!!!!!ed off to Kenya to marry some kid and left the boys here, one in a boarding school,although she has now moved him out to Kenya too. It is pretty unfair, what happens to a lot of parents without care. I hope he is getting support for his pyshcological issues, if he tries to fight it the stress will be enormous-I know having been through it with my husband!

I forgot to say- the first time my husband's ex didn't get her way in court, and the judge muttered the immortal words ' as there has been no violence from your husband' she came out of court and immediately made an accusation of violence, saying my husband had tried to strangle her etc, even told the very young children he had done this. He was arrested etc-unfortunately for her, she not only chose a random date for the assault when my husband was on a lecture tour in Sweden, she also involved a policeman to give evidence-and it turned out she was having a 'relationship' with him. Of course the case was thrown out, but the kids thought it was true for a long time-mud sticks. Only now, when they have seen the appalling way their mother has behaved towards them and subsequent partners, do they see the truth. It's a horrible subject that I feel very passionate about, sorry to ramble on!

The real victims in these situations are the children-moving the child away from your brother is a very selfish thing to do (in most cases-I am not making any comment on other people who have different reasons for doing so, although even then, the kids may suffer.)

Thank you.

SHe has now said that he cannot see their son except every other Saturday night.

She has taken everything from him and to be honest I do not care what she thinks of him, but by moving away, she is not thinking about her son for one second. I tried to understand her and I was there for her, but now I think she is just being a selfish !!!!!.

I dont think he is really fit to do anything at the moment, although he is a good dad I know he doesnt cope well looking after him in his tiny one room bedsit. There is no washing facilities and she refuses to wash their childs clothes apart from the ones that she has at her house. She sends him in scruffy, too small, dirty clothes to my brothers.

My brother has also seen the man that she is moving in with, punch his own (7 year old) child, but when he said something he was met with cries of 'you must be going mad, that didnt happen' He is also had 'passive aggresive' texts from both her and this new man - my Mum has also had a threatening letter because she rang to talk about the child moving away.

Its all getting very messy and I dont think my brother is strong enough to fight this - I would say that she was doing this to take the child away, but to be honest I dont even think that - she doesnt seem to be bothered about him enough to care about his feelings (about his Dad), plus at every opportunity she gets she palms him off on someone so that she can go out with her bloke!

Mammato1

Frankly speaking I am shocked to hear that the court orders can be ignored in this way, SuziQ! Really shocking! What is the point in a hugely blown and overpriced legal system?? Like with mediation - they tell you to go and pay (!) but it has no legal weight!

I feel for your brother and I am sure he really wants to maintain the contact, which in principle is a very good thing for both the son and the father.

But as a mother myself I would say that I would be really concerned about my child staying half a week somewhere at a bedsit with no washing facilities and the father who is having issues at the moment.

My ex hasn't seen our daughter for the last 10 months just because he didn't want to, and now is suddenly demanding having her over at his during weekends. She is 3 so he disappeared roughly for 1/3 of her life. He lives in a horrible room in a rented house with a lot of other people who drink, smoke weed and have parties, there is nowhere even to put a bed or anything else. He is unemployed.

I have a new partner and we are planning to move in together next year. Now compare it to the situation where my partner has been in my daughter's life for over 2 years, took her to special playgroups for male carers, swimming, many various activities, looked after her Saturdays when I work, made her a beautiful bedroom in his lovely 3-bed house and in essence he has provided a stable family life and constant care.

What would you prefer for your child if you were a mother?

I want my child to have contact with her biological dad but I would not agree to her staying in such an environment with a man who is unemployed (and most of the time stoned) and apparently depressed due to his s*** life - the man whom she neither remebers nor knows.

For the sake of my child I can only hope they will build their relationship over the time and he will get himself sorted, find a job (start paying maintanace?) and move to a more appropriate accommodation. I can only hope that the wish to have a relationship with his child would not fizzle away and that it will give him a kick to sort out his life.

I would say your brother needs help and he needs to start re-building his life for his own and his son's sake. If he is not able to fight now you need to help him stand on his feet again. I wish you and him all the best.