What would you do?

44pinkpink

I'm in a panic - I'm divorced and just about hanging on to the house. My two children (18 and 16) and i are living in it. I get maintenance for me, which almost covers the mortgage, and maintenence for the kids, two thirds of whcih will be paid directly to them when they go to university (the 18 year old goes in September). I work 15 hours a week.

We were all set to move to a smaller property a year ago but I was advised by various people to stay put - it was definitely the right thing at the time - less stressful especially as kids are doing exams etc.

I'm not sure if we should move to a smaller, cheaper place now, or should i still try to stay where we are. I'm always worried about how we will manage - we do manage at the moment, but the mortgage payments keep going up.

Should I try to stay here, by getting another job, or should i go for less worry by moving to a three bedroomed flat?

At the moment the mortgage has to be guaranteed by my ex as he earns loads and i don't.

Aaaaagh

Mrs_Optimist

Would your ex have any claim on the house if you sold it? What sort of equity would you have left after selling? Bear in mind that your children will leave home in the next few years and so there would be little point in struggling now (if you are) to stay in a house thats too big, when you could downsize and live more comfortably.

44pinkpink

Mrs_Optimist wrote:

Would your ex have any claim on the house if you sold it? What sort of equity would you have left after selling? Bear in mind that your children will leave home in the next few years and so there would be little point in struggling now (if you are) to stay in a house thats too big, when you could downsize and live more comfortably.

No, he has no claim over the house, tho he has to guarantee (is that the word?) my mortgage until he retires.He's 50 now. He has to keep paying me maintenance til then as well.

I wanted to move to somewhere smaller a year ago when the final divorce settlement was being sorted - my solicitor suggested I stay put in order to get a better amount of maintenance from him - the amount a year ago exactly covered my mortgage payments. Now they've gone up.

The house was valued at £525,000 a year ago. Equity would have been about £232,000. We live in London. I'm a physio so don't earn loads.

I'd be happier somewhere smaller cos I'd not be worrying about the money all the time. Everyone around me worries (as I do ) that once my ex sees that my mortgage payments are less, he'll work less in order to pay me less maintenance . . .so I'll still be struggling. The divorce contract says he will have to prove that he is earning less first before he tries to pay me less.

I hope this doesn't make me sound money-grabbing. He's a very mean, very rich man who earns a lot of cash in hand - difficult to prove, but he always has done. It doesn't seem fair that he is loaded and I'm worrying about money all the time.

Thankyou for replying

UK007BullDog

Well, you have divorced and now you have to look towards your future. You don't say how old you are but obviously your ex will stop paying for you eventually.

If your mortgage keeps going up then that might be that you are on a tracker? As long as the rates keep rising so will your mortgage. You might want to check the small print of your offer letter and see if you can change it to something fixed without penalties. See a broker about it to find out your options. Read Martins guide on remortgaging.

As you have so much equity (nearly £300,000) in your home I would sell it and get yourself a 2 or 3 bed house (even in London). Flats costs money even if you buy it outright (no mortgage) with service charges and ground fees etc. Buy yourself a house mortgage free and stop worrying about any mortgage.

Also your kids will be going to university soon and might never move back afterwards building their own life.

You now need to look at yourself, you need to build up your pension, maybe get a second job as the kids really no longer need you there full time. You need to make sure that your future is secure and not rely on your ex to pay for it. What if he suddenly gets sick or is unable to work? You need to stand on your own two feet and be independent.

Doozergirl

It sounds to me like you want to move to a smaller house. If you are struggling, then I can't see why you should stay where you are.

When your 18 year old goes to university, they probably won't move back home again I'd take the opportunity to downsize then. I don't know how many bedrooms you have now, but you only need to make sure there's space for them when they come home to stay. This can simply be the spare room at other times, which is what it will be when they eventually fly the nest for good

There's no point struggling and you do need to build up some reserves; Otherwise you'll just end up selling and moving somewhere smaller anyway. Why keep paying the bank over and over again in interest when you can downsize now?

I hope you come to a decision that makes you happy soon. Struggling isn't happy, and space doesn't make you happy either It's friends and family that make you happy and they are also what makes a home.

44pinkpink

Thankyou for your advice everyone.
Yes, it's certainly time for me to move on, forget I was ever married and enjoy my new independence. It's all a bit scarey but I know I've got to get on with it. The house now has 4 bedrooms.It cost £95,000 when we bought it 20 years ago. The mortgage is now huge due to building two extensions but mainly due to my ex borrowing more to fund businesses - I left him to his own devices, stupidly! When we divorced we had absolutely no savings - altho I'm certain he has a stash of money saved somewhere cos he seems to have made no changes to his spending - apple laptops for the kids this christmas, several long weekends to europe, just taken his mother to India this week. He's planning to get himself a new car soon (six year old series 5. BMW at the mo). Ha Ha do I sound bitter and twisted, cos I am!

Anyway i know I need to put all that to one side - he'll never change.
I know i have to become independent - I'm managing to become that but it's difficult when I've let him walk all over me, pull the wool over my eyes etc for more than 20 years . . .
Double007Bulldog, I'm 47 . My mortgage is a repayment one (nonregulated) and I owe £259,000 on it. Aaaagh - with another 14 years to pay it off. His maintenance almost covers these payments - i now ahve to top up by £83 a month. He also pays me maintainence for the kids. It all sounds like a lot but I never seem to have enough to save - we have made big changes but it never seems enough.
Toots
yes he does have to be liable if i can't afford to pay up. It is more a case of the solicitors telling him that the kids and I should stay in the house at least while they ae at school - this was after he kept sending me details of tiny flats that the kids and I should move to......having himself bought a three bedroom (two level) flat in a better area than the house! (yes, I'm still bitter!)
Doozergirl I realise I'm the lucky one cos my kids can see how much Im there for them, even if I have nowhere near as much cash lying around as their dad - his idea of looking after them for a weekend is to leave them money for takeaways and not actually seeing them. So a tiny house with a more relaxed mum is definitely the best plan.

I think the bottom line in all my ramblings is that this man cannot be trusted to be there for us (feel free to pm me for further details if you want).
originally I wanted to move somewhere smaller but my solicitor persuaded me to stay put in ordrer to put in a better argument for more maintenance. That worked but I don't want the worry of having to just about manage all the time.
Oh I'm going on a bit, but if no one reads it at least I'm getting my thoughts together....
I need to get hold of the financial advisor who was recommended to me
i need to start looking around for smaller more affordable places to live
i need to get another job
i need to get a grip and stop feeling sorry for myself!

If you've read this far, thankyou, and sorry if I've bored you with my rambling!

mjdh1957

With my vindictive hat on , I'd say shop him (anonymously) to the Inland Revenue. You say he works 'cash in hand' so he might be liable for lots of back income tax, and you say he might have a secret account somewhere....

Obviously, that might backfire if he ends up going bankrupt. :eek:

hayleyc_2

44pinkpink wrote:

If you've read this far, thankyou, and sorry if I've bored you with my rambling!

Not at all! don't worry about that.

From what you've said, your position doesn't sound bad at all. If you sell up and buy a smaller place for £200,000 or so then you'll be mortgage free (or very small mortgage)and not reliant on your ex so you'll be in a much stronger position. If the maintainance payments aren't even covering your current mortgage then you'll be at least £83 better off! Having a smaller place should cut your other bills, and as your children are 18 and 16 they won't be dependant on you.

Good Luck

Hayley

44pinkpink

1957 yes my divorce solicitor was aware of the cash in hand stuff - i could have investigated things further but it all seemed too much hassle at the time. i tried to find a secret account - i know that he's leaving it with a mate of his.
Hayley cos we live in west london there won't be much i can get for 200,000 - a three bed flat seems to be around 350 -400,000 in this area. i know i could move completely away at some point - i was hoping to hang on for that, but my youngest will be at school here for another two and a bit years.
since my last note i've contacted a local estate agent - he's sending me places for us to look at, so that's a start
thankyou! - i'm feeling more positive - i seem to take two steps forward then a few back , but overalll life is brilliant - much better than when i was married, so i have that to smile about x

44pinkpink

1957 yes my divorce solicitor was aware of the cash in hand stuff - i could have investigated things further but it all seemed too much hassle at the time. i tried to find a secret account - i know that he's leaving it with a mate of his.
Hayley cos we live in west london there won't be much i can get for 200,000 - a three bed flat seems to be around 350 -400,000 in this area. i know i could move completely away at some point - i was hoping to hang on for that, but my youngest will be at school here for another two and a bit years.
since my last note i've contacted a local estate agent - he's sending me places for us to look at, so that's a start
thankyou! - i'm feeling more positive - i seem to take two steps forward then a few back , but overalll life is brilliant - much better than when i was married, so i have that to smile about x

44pinkpink

:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: oops