How can I approach neighbour...

i_wanna_save_money!

I wondered if someone could offer me something tactful to say to my neighbour as I don't want any hard feelings but want to say something.

Background: I am a bit of a strict parent (girls 9 and 6), don't really let the kids off the street (quiet street in a rough estate), they have to be in from playing earlyish 6:30 sometimes 7:30 in hols or at weekends. Bedtime routine is ok, let it get a bit slack over the summer, but am back on track now. My neighbour lets her daughter aged 7 play everywhere, go to the park alone (10 mins away full of asbo type kids), stay out late (I hear her shouting for her DD quite late on school nights 8:30/9:00 her DD is too far away to hear her) and she lets her stay up til about midnight cos I can hear her shouting and running about through the walls. But that is her perogative and that is how she parents.

Now the problem: I have started letting my 9 year old (almost 10) go to the shop on her own. I can trust her and this is my way of showing her I trust her and want to begin to give her independance. Yesterday after school I asked my DD to pop to the shops. Without me knowing, my neighbour said to her DD that she could go to the shop with my DD. I don't want my DD taking anyone with the shops with her, and don't want her to feel 'in charge' of someone else when she should be concentrating on crossing road safely etc. They ended up taking ages at the shop and when they got back my DD said the neighbour was messing about being too giddy etc and that is why she was so long. My DD said she didnt want next doors DD going with her, but felt she had to cos her mum said "oh you can go as well, heres 50p" so felt pressured into taking her.

I know many people will prob think me as being daft and too overprotective but I don't think I am. I just want to allow my DD to do things, but also get across the point that I am allowing her to do things as I trust her (and that it is age related trust). I sort of feel that my DD is being pushed into looking after someone as she even said when she got home that she wanted to go alone.

Anyway, what can I say in a nice way so it doesn't happen again? Sorry for the waffling lol

fannyanna

Could you take it from the angle that you're doing it to show that you trust her to go alone and that by having the other child going you feel your child might feel that they're not trusted after all.

BitterAndTwisted

Say nothing to the neighbour but make it crystal-clear to your daughter that if she hasn't asked the neighbour if her 7 year-old child can accompany her she is not "responsible" for her.

I got a neighbour's younger kid dumped on me in a similar way when I was about 6 or 7 to take him with us to the Saturday morning cinema. He was a naughty little urchin and refused to cross the road with me properly. Got himself run over and both legs broken. There was fair bit of static between both sets of parents from what I can remember but I never had him dumped on me again.

poorly_scammo

I don't see how you can say that in a nice way because you're saying that you don't want her daughter around your daughter when she goes to the shops.

I don't see how you can dress that up without the neighbour becoming offended. Sorry. :undecided

LMCD

Nothing really - it might affect the other girl thinking that she isn't good enough for your daughter - really as long as you instill trust etc in your daughter it should be fine.. but she is a kid, they dilly dally etc. I doubt the neighbour even expects your daughter to look after her kid, maybe tryin to trust her own daughter too and thinks your daughter is trustworthy too for her to be with her and not look after?? Could you not just ask - is your daughter ok going to the shop etc? Just wouldn't want something to happen and see what she says...maybe it isn't something she has majorly considered.

peachyprice

i_wanna_save_money! wrote: »

My neighbour lets her daughter aged 7 play everywhere, go to the park alone (10 mins away full of asbo type kids), stay out late (I hear her shouting for her DD quite late on school nights 8:30/9:00 her DD is too far away to hear her)


I sort of feel that my DD is being pushed into looking after someone as she even said when she got home that she wanted to go alone.

To be honest, from what you've said above about the parenting skills of the mother, expecting your daughter to look after her daughter by letting her go to the shop with her was the last thing she intended, perhaps she just thought your daughter would like the company as she doesn't go out on her owm much.

I can understand why your daughter wanted to go alone, it's her little bit of independence, so she wanted to enjoy it, but it was taken away from her.

Next time can she just walk another way so the neighbour doesn't see her go?

moomoomama27

As far as I see it you have 2 options!

1) Do what the poster above says, and approach it in the manner that you're concerned you don't feel your child is old enough (which she's not) to be responsible for a 7 yr old, and is it ok for her to go!

2) Go yourself.

adamantine

why did you DD tell the neighbour or her kid that she was going to the shops anyway?

if you ask DD to go to the shops again tell her to go straight there and back. if neighbour doesnt know that she is going then she cant send her DD along with yours. simple.

thegirlintheattic

Is it possible your jumping the gun abit? This has happened once, and whilst I can understand your view, there isn't really a need to speak to the parent unless this becomes a regular thing. I doubt the neighbour is watching the street for your DD so she can send her DD out.

QuackQuackOops

Surely this wont be a regular problem would it? Do you ask her to go to the shop for you everyday?
So when you do ask her to go to the shop for you on the odd couple of days, why is she then stopping off next door to tell the neighbour where she is going?
If she is outside playing when you call her in to go to the shop for you tell her to go straight there and not to mention it to the neighbours DD and tell her not to wait for her if she asks.
I cant see how this is a problem to be honest. Even if the girl tags along its no big deal and if your DD doesnt want her to then she needs to find her own voice and not have her Mum do it for her.

i_wanna_save_money!

Thanks everyone. The thing is with next doors DD is that she is lovely, but I just want my DD to begin to have independance of her own - independance that next doors DD has had since she was around 5 1/2. I want this to move on a stage where I can let her onto the next street and play with her friends, but I know that if I don't put a stop to it now, next doors DD will sort of just tag on all the time like another poster before said happened when they were younger. Think I may say something like fannyann said, just sort of re-inforce that I want to see how she copes alone. Thanks everyone