help / advice / or just read!

MissMitch

missprice wrote: »

and guess what, that little lost child bit is a facade he puts it on just for you
and tbh even if he was not putting it on
its not your problem
he is all growed up now and has to do stuff for himself

I agree with that, :T & there's a possibility that the nagging guilt from treating you like **** for so long, and the reluctance to stand on his own two feet contribute to his depression anyway, so look after yourself OP, do what you need to do & maybe he'll get a bit of a kick up the backside that might do him some good in the long run. Best of luck to you! x

Kay_Peel

Isn't he lucky? He has a safe haven to run back to and a wife who has worked really hard at rebuilding the marriage after so many betrayals.

There has been a pattern:
betrayal, reconciliation, time spent healing the pain and working towards normality;
followed by betrayal, reconciliation, more time healing and hoping for normality;
before more betrayal ....etc etc.

You say that your life is hold because you've been on this merry-go-round for so long. You feel the need to jump off.

I can't say I blame you. :eek:
You must have suffered grievously.

Good luck to you.

Youdontseeme

If nothing else I think you need some time apart this will either

a) drive him into her arms and you will "know" and therefore be better off
or
b) make him see what a f**kwit he is being and then you can work on it.

Boot him out, try 6 weeks with as little contact as possible( obviously you have to arrange acces if you have kids etc) but tell him to man-up and decide where he wants to be (ie. find out of its an act)

Use this time to er.. woman-up and see how much better (or worse) your life without him would be and get your head together.

YDSM

mumnotplusone

Hi

I have just actually made the break.

Absolutely terrifying and so hard when I see him but when it is just my children and I I'm ok.

Have managed to buy the house, know what's coming in & out each month and no longer worrying about where he is, who he's with or when he'll be home.

Wish it never came to this but I'm coming out the other side and plenty of time for good times ahead.

I wish you all the best with whatever you choose.

You have given enough to him imo.

renegade

elephant40 wrote: »

Yep we have one child, mortgage, loads of debt etc etc.

I work and have done the sums, financially I will be fine on my own, he won't be though which deosn't help.

Everytime I have said this is the last time but I have always been promised it will never happen again.

I know deep in my heart we are finished which is why I think I actually do want him to do it again so I have an excuse to go if you know what I mean.

Its just so bloody scary I keep going round and round in cirlces. I think well what if he doesn't do it again, in a couple of years we would be back to normal and happy, then I think will I ever get over it though even if he deosn't do it again. The lieing and scheming behind my back still happened and unfortunately I can't wipe that from my memory.

xx

Has he shown you any consideration when having this affair? No, I don't think so.Forget him, he is not your priority you and your child are. Tell him to leave, debts can be sorted later. I speak from experience and it is hard at first but you will get through it you just need Positive Thinking Attitude. Go for it, you deserve better than what you have got!

elephant40

I know you are all right, but its easier said than done. Its that what 'if' thing really.

I'm going to try to take a step back for a couple of weeks and see how I feel at the end of the month, if things don't seem a little clearer then I will proceed with seliing the house and moving on.

That said I did try to do that back in July and I'm still here now so I really need to grow some balls and get myself sorted.

I can't quote, sorry, but this from Kay Peel sums it up exactly:

There has been a pattern:
betrayal, reconciliation, time spent healing the pain and working towards normality;
followed by betrayal, reconciliation, more time healing and hoping for normality;
before more betrayal ....etc etc.


This is the thing, i'm now in the healing, hoping for normality stage, in the past I would have started making plans for holidays etc again by now. But for some reason I just don't have it in my heart anymore, its as though I'm protecting myself from further hurt without even knowing I'm doing it. Either that or part of me has died.

But thanks for everyones replies, its amazingly therapeutic getting advice from strangers!!

XX

BekahC

hello my darling, normally I lurk having just gone through a HUGE upheavel in my life (will understand more in a moment)

I had to share my experiences with you.

My STB XH was a nasty little man - told another woman he loved her, web cam videos of him self recorded...turned my stomach, other womens bras in my house, valentines cards, texting other women four days after we were married could continue but its making my blood boil. lol

I met someone through a mutual friend and we became best mates - yes that was it - and as he was someone that didnt know the past made it easy for me to talk to him and I had realised that he was a very emotionally abusive man.

EVERY time he stopped it I would be the one at fault when it happened - I was depressed (wonder why!!) so he would go do it again. I looked after his kids while being told i was infertile and he made me feel bad about that.

One day I told him if it didnt stop and if he didnt stop threatening divorce every time i pulled him up on it I would walk..... I did.

It was the scariest thing i have ever done but i wasnt happy any more and I was scared everytime he text because he'd lock his phone etc.

I know it is hard but i can tell you its worth making a clean break if you can not see another way.

It is nearly 6 months on and i am happy, new house and new relationship - it was worth every second of stress and doubt.

Finally huge huge hugs x

Malfiore

My ex OH was similar to yours and I just couldn't make the break. He was also a lost little boy and would scream at me that he wouldn't cope if I left him. We had a mountain of debt as he refused to work although I worked PT during uni and FT after that. He would email other women and tell me I should make more of an effort to look good for him, despite him looking (and smelling!!!) like a hobo!! There's more rubbish that I won't go into as not nice, but safe to say he was a complete !!!!

I worried that he might do something stupid if I left and where would he live and how could he possibly feed himself as he could barely make toast etc. But, I left him and guess what, he managed, because he had too.

I'm 29 now and still paying off the debt he left me in and will be until I'm 32, but I realised that I wasn't living when I was with him, just waiting for the next upset in the relationship which is what you seem to be doing.

I would make the break, you don't want him as far as I can see. It's harsh, but for me I just thought, **** it, if we're meant to be together then we'll find our way back together, but if not then I will finally be living my life and not just floating along unhappy until my time is up.

It is hard, but you will kick yourself if you stay and this happens again (and as it's the same woman I almost guarantee it will), and then you will be in the same position. Get out and live your life, you deserve it, he'll run to this other woman and she can look after him.

Good luck with everything and remember that you do know deep down what to do.