help / advice / or just read!

elephant40

Posting under a different name for obvious reasons.

Not money saving and I know no one can help me but I don’t have anywhere else to ‘spout off’.

Long story short, my husband has been having an inappropriate relationship with another woman for a long time. He’s promised to break it off many times and has each time, but they have always started it again a few months / weeks down the line.

Now I know for a fact this time he has broken it off. However I’m not sure I can really be bothered with our relationship anymore. I am very confused as I still love and care for my husband but I feel as though I have put my life on hold for too long now and just want to get on with it again.

I can’t really plan things like Christmas or holidays as I feel I am just say here waiting for him to take up with her again. Its almost as though I want him to so I can walk away, if that makes sense?

I really want to sell up and get my own place but my husband is like a little lost child sometimes and I worry about him. Obviously he wasn’t too useless to be conniving behind my back whilst meeting up with someone else. He also suffers a bit with depression and I’m worried about what will happen to him if I go.

Just feel totally mixed up, on the one hand he cheated on me, lots of times, even if it was with the same woman, on the other I’m worried about what will happen to him if I go as I don’t think he would cope.

But I can’t get over what he did either.

We have done relate, but it didn’t work as he was seeing her at the time, I didn’t know this obviously!

Thanks for reading!

1sttimer_2

Elephant40 - Sorry you are finding yourself in this position, I didn't just want to read and run. Hugs to you ((((hugs))))

I feel for you, but really think you ought to call time on this relationship. You sound like you've tried your best with your OH, but with all due care and attention, it's not worked.

He is being very selfish, and even though you love him and feel sorry for him, your life is not a very good one at the moment, constantly thinking when it will happen again.

You don't say if you've any children, and if not, then it is just you you have to think of, what do you really want? Think about the good life you could have without your OH. Put it down in writing what you would gain and what you would lose if you started out again on your own. If you can see the list and the gain side is longer, then you know what you should do.

I know it's easy for anyone to tell you what to do, but we're not in your shoes. It's easy to say, yes I'll leave, but it must be very hard to actually do.

My OH has had affairs of the heart and it hurt me dreadfully, but like you I cared for him and forgave him. I trust that in my case, they are now well and truly over, but you can never be 100% sure it would never happen again. I have said that if I ever found out of another that would be it - no more forgiving.

Believe in yourself, you are worth much much more than you think. You have a life to live - go and live it.

Good luck.

gonzo127

in my opinion its time to make a break,

you cant trust the guy as he keeps on doing it again and you keep taking him back, which also gives him no reason to stop.

to be honest, he might act like a little lost kid, but he is a grown man and so not your problem, and its not like you havent given him enough chances, really you need to start living for yourself, and i think this means respecting yourself enough to know you dont deserve to be treated like he is/has/does do

are there any kids involved?
do you rent or is it mortgaged?
do you work?

gratefulforhelp_2

Hugs from me. If there are no kids involved, then it is easier. Try envisioning your single life and see if it feels good.

missprice

not wanting to read and run

been through similar looooong time ago
and guess what, that little lost child bit is a facade
he puts it on just for you
and tbh even if he was not putting it on
its not your problem
he is all growed up now and has to do stuff for himself
if he really loved you and wanted to be with you he would have knuckled down and got on with it by now

you make it sound like he has been doing this for years so he has had enough warnings
sit and think
if you want him then final warning and no discussions if he does it again
you move out
that very hour you find out
and if you dont want him then go/chuck him out

elephant40

Yep we have one child, mortgage, loads of debt etc etc.

I work and have done the sums, financially I will be fine on my own, he won't be though which deosn't help.

Everytime I have said this is the last time but I have always been promised it will never happen again.

I know deep in my heart we are finished which is why I think I actually do want him to do it again so I have an excuse to go if you know what I mean.

Its just so bloody scary I keep going round and round in cirlces. I think well what if he doesn't do it again, in a couple of years we would be back to normal and happy, then I think will I ever get over it though even if he deosn't do it again. The lieing and scheming behind my back still happened and unfortunately I can't wipe that from my memory.

xx

missprice

its a bit like the abusive partner who swaers not to do it again

should never believe them

if you really are fed up then get rid
dont wait for the excuse to happen again
its not worth feeling so low again
he will cope
like i said it happened to me (well similar)
and guess what the man is fine and dandy
alive and kicking
on marriage 5 or 6
better off than me

HE WILL COPE
and it aint your problem if he doesnt:)

Skint_but_Optimistic

It sounds to me like you have had enough, and while you care about him you dont love him anymore.. Begin to do the ground work so it is all in place then you can make a clean break. Dont make any future promises, and stop doing things as a couple or a family. Dont give him mixed signals either.

If he asks you why you are behaving in this way, you can tell him, you no longer feel the same way about him, and ask him what he wants to do about it.

If he chooses to leave before then - so be it.

My marriage ended due to a string of different indiscretions, ever mounting debt etc. My feelings were trampled down to such an extent that I was relevied once it was over.

I wish you the best of luck. Be true to yourself.

elephant40

I know what you mean about giving the mixed signals and its hard when you have a family not to do things together.

I have it set in my mind what I'm going to do, then he will produce a pressie or give me a hug or something and its so natural just to respond that I then think oh it will be ok, when I know its not. I suppose I really need to be strong and try to have a clean break which is hard when your living in the same house with someone you do genuinely care about.

xx

paddy's_mum

Why would you want to continue being his Mum?

chriszzz

Elephant 40, I am sorry that to hear about your situation but i felt that i couldnt read and run. I dont have any answer or really any advice to offer as the answer lies within yourself on what you will do next.

Sometimes we have to be quite brutal with ourselves and take a step outside of ourselves to enable us to look into our lives.
Its ok loving somebody but if they dont love you back, you will never be treated with their respect, or appreciation as they have no interest in you to treat you that way and the more you give into someones inappropriate behaviour, the less respect they will have for you.

I know it can be hard to break away from someone you love but you could be missing out on being with someone who really loves and adores you.

If you do decide to leave him am sure he is more than capable in looking after himself. The only person you should worry about is YOU! You are the most important person and am sure you could pick yourself up from this and have a happy life on your own (thats if you want it) If you do stay with him, do you really think you could be happy? do you think he will never cheat again? Is he really what you want in your life? Am sure you have the answer to your future, its just a matter of acting on it.

I hope whatever you decide to do that its the right decision for you! Good Luck!