Widow. what's the point?

SparkyG

My best friend was widowed 4 years ago, and I am now at a loss as to how to help her. Of course I can't understand how she is feeling, but I do understand what she is saying.

She was an only child, cosseted by her parents, and got married (straight from home) to a much older man who protected and adored her. Her children are now grown up. The youngest at 18 still lives at home, but understandably wants to be independent, and isn't always in for meals etc.

She is saying what's the point of her life. She's not suicidal, but after a lifetime of being wanted, and caring for others, can't see the point of doing anything for herself. She wants someone to share pleasure and leisure time with, and wants approval and acknowledgement for doing things, from mundane tasks to more significant achievements. While I am there (and other friends too), to offer support and praise, it doesn't really make her feel better, and I do understand that.

My question is, how can I help her to take pleasure in activities purely for herself, and enjoy life without her husband and caring for her children? She had a lot of bereavement counselling after her husband died, and appeared to be coping well for a while, but the latest distress has been triggered by a financial need to work longer hours, which she resents and feels angry about, and the fact that her youngest son is becoming more independent, and she is no longer 'needed'.

I hate to see her so unhappy, and long to make to better, but I can't. She is only 54, but feels her life is over. It's not a question of taking up sport or voluntary activities as she doesn't have the time or the money. When we have been out or taken part in social occasions, she says she feels even worse going back to an empty house with no one to tell about it.

Help!!!

victory

But it is about that though is it not? Being amongst people, the need to feel wanted, it is about giving back to recieve, voluntary work, taking up a new hobbie, some are free, a walk in the park with a borrowed dog to get to know the locals, all things that are free have no baring on how weathly you are.

Your friends needs to go out, go to the library see what is about, what events are taking place, go with her, if she goes out and socializes outside the house she will soon find that she is not coming back to an empty house as she will be bringing all her friends back with her:D

Errata

It sounds like she's feeling a bit capsized; some professional counselling could help her to meet and cope with the things that challenge her.

Oldernotwiser

She needs to be looking at doing things for other people rather than having people do things for her.

victory

Just reading womans weekly and it has an article that says 'learning to love living alone' by coincidence! It says make new friends-if you like dancing join zumba, if you like knitting-go to your local library and see where there is a club, go there once there smile, that is all it takes to break the ice.

Why not go on facebook and get to know old friends or join friends reunited and get together with old school friends.

Keep busy, throw out anything you do not like, give to charity, donate your time while you are there, raise money for a charity, decorate how you like, buy new furniture and soft furnishings and make your house your own sanctuary.

Volunteer CSV THE uk LEADING CHARITY www.csv.org.uk telf 02072786601

Get a pet, bake cakes and invite people round. Put your name down for a allotment, chat on social networking sites until 4am, watch all your fav tv shows, let people know how you feel, never turn down an invite you never know where it may lead, all those ideas are great

ellie101

It sounds like she's working too hard. I know she's doing it for financial reasons but if she's doing long hours, then trying to re-assess her life/deal with being a widower among that it's difficult.

I'm just speaking from my experience, I had a bereavement, moved house several times, then worked 50 hours a week and questioned what life is all about. It's easy to get swamped up in work after you have seemingly got back on track. Really sounds like she needs to do some stuff for herself while still processing her husband being gone.

Could she plan more things with people she cares about while trying to limit her hours? And do things for herself? Or make her work more meaningful? Unless it is already.. I was assuming it wasn't.

mountainofdebt

I have to admit that it is a weird sort of feeling having Junior no longer needing me to do things for him; since he started work he's got himself up and organised his packed lunch (why he couldn't have done this when he was at school I don't know, lol) so I can understand sort of where your friend is coming from in that respect....I can also understand what she means abou thaving no one to tell about her evenings out.

If she is having to work more hours for financial reasons has she thought about down sizing? I would imagine that the feelings of isolation would be harder if she rattling around in a large house than if she was in a flat or a smaller house - and would perhaps give her a little capital in which to enjoy life.

Oldernotwiser

The OP says the friend is working longer hours, not long hours,

BlondeHeadOn

I'm not being unsympathetic here (well, maybe I am!), but your friend really needs to stop relying on other people so much! It sounds like that's all she's ever done, to the point where she's a kind of 'fractional individual' without her OH or children.

I had a friend like this once, and after going through multiple hoops over several years trying to help her, I realised that I was banging my head against a metaphorical brick wall. Anything I suggested was gently batted away, any praise or approval I gave her to try and shore up her needs was just never enough. In the end I gave up.

She's still the same (I've heard from mutual friends), but someone else can try and sort her out now. I'm much happier without the constant nagging guilt that I don't know how to help her.

Some people are happy being unhappy, and don't want to change. They do want the attention though. It can really wear out a friendship over time...

Sorry to be off the mark if your friend is not like this - but do take care of yourself while trying to help her!

ceh209

Could she take in a lodger? It would help financially, there'd be some company at home and perhaps give her life a bit more purpose? As long as she wouldn't try to become a duplicate mother to them...

SparkyG

Thank you all for your suggestions and advice. It's really helpful to get opinions of people who are not involved

She is such a loving and caring person, and even when she is feeling really bad herself never forgets to ask how I am, and really listens and gives good advice too! So it's not a one sided friendship, but I know where you're coming from, BlondeHeadon

I think she is in dire need of more CBT counselling which she found so valuable before, as her negative thoughts are not getting her anywhere at the moment. She seems to be dragged down too far to have any motivation to take positive steps to help herself.

I wish I could magic up a lovely man to share her life with. She has so much to give