Returning to work after bereavement of my husband

beckysbobbles1

My husband sadly passed away nearly four weeks ago and I am planning to return to work on Monday 19th September.

I work full-time Monday-Friday 9-5 up in London. I haven't properly spoken to my manager, I called and left a message but he decided to text me instead of calling back (I personally don't think this was appropriate especially when he text back later that night at 22:20).

My counsellor has recommended I go to the doctors (which I was planning to tomorrow anyway) and complete a phased return to work form.

He said for me to decide what I specifically wish to do, the exact hours etc but I'm not sure what is actually expected of me.

I don't feel fully ready to return to work, I'm very anxious but I know I need to get back into a routine. I'm concerned about being very tired as I haven't been sleeping well and going back to work full time, running a house and looking after the pets is going to be difficult to juggle as well as the 'normal' pile of paperwork you have to deal with for a death.

I'm just wondering if anyone has any recommendations on what would be acceptable for the first few weeks, I don't want to seem like I'm taking the micky but I also know my health is so important at the moment.

flutterbyuk25

(((((HUGS)))) to you. So sorry for your loss.

If you don't feel ready to go back yet then why are you returning? It's only been 4 weeks, would your doctor sign you off for a bit longer? Otherwise, if you really want to go back, you could suggest mornings only one week, the afternoons only, then something like 10-3 before you are ready to go back full time.

Good luck, and make sure you look after yourself

x

elsien

I'm sorry to hear about your loss.
What do you think you could cope best with - do you wish to reduce your number of days, the length of the working day or both? It's not really down to company expectations so much as what you think you can realistically manage and over what time scale. So you may be able to slowly build up the hours worked over a number of weeks, with a review after say a month to assess how it's going and whether you need longer.
You may also need to use annual leave to make up the shortfall in hours, or take a reduced level of pay as you are working less hours - that's what one of my colleagues had to do anyway, not sure of the legalities of that. He started off at 20 hours then built up to full time over 5-6 weeks, but that was not following a bereavement, you may need to do it differently.
Also does your company HR department have an occupational health dept who may be able to help you through the first stages and draw up a plan? That would be my first step if I were you, given that your manager sounds like a total numpty. I know that colleagues don't always deal well with bereavement, but a manager should have a bit more about them than that.

beckysbobbles1

Thanks for the replies.

I am happy to try to go to work every day but think a max of 4 hours to begin with.

Would I be in the wrong to call my HR department for advice as opposed to my manager? I fear that if I don't call my manager first he may think I'm going over his head.

I really don't need to be worrying about this as well as everything else. I know my doctor would sign me off longer but I do want to return.

smileylondongal

I'm so sorry to hear this.

I don't think there's any harm speaking to your boss as it's usually at a manager's discretion anyway and if they're worth their salt, they'll consider bringing you back on reduced hours and increasing this over a period of a few weeks. It's better than you being signed off as they'll have their employee back and you'll be able to get back which is what you'd like to do.

KiKi

beckysbobbles1 wrote: »

I work full-time Monday-Friday 9-5 up in London. I haven't properly spoken to my manager, I called and left a message but he decided to text me instead of calling back (I personally don't think this was appropriate especially when he text back later that night at 22:20).

Sorry to hear of your loss.

Please don't overthink the text. People - esp work colleagues - often don't know how to respond or what to say when someone close to you dies. He may have been embarrassed about calling you because he didn't know what to say, or maybe genuinely didn't want to put pressure on you.

I don't feel fully ready to return to work, I'm very anxious but I know I need to get back into a routine. I'm concerned about being very tired as I haven't been sleeping well and going back to work full time, running a house and looking after the pets is going to be difficult to juggle as well as the 'normal' pile of paperwork you have to deal with for a death.

I'm just wondering if anyone has any recommendations on what would be acceptable for the first few weeks, I don't want to seem like I'm taking the micky but I also know my health is so important at the moment.

You can only do what you think is right. In this situation I think your manager will be very accommodating.

I'd suggest to you:
Week 1: 3 days a week, 3 hours a day
Week 2: 4 days a week, 3 hours a day
Week 3: 4 days a week, 4 hours a day
Week 4: 5 days a week, 5 hours a day

But the main thing is: SEE HOW IT GOES. Don't stick to your plan if you're struggling. You may find work is a bit of a refuge for you, helps you get back into a routine and really focuses your mind, distracting you from life at home. However, you may find it drains you, is difficult to focus on, and makes your life more stressful.

Propose weeks one and two to your manager, and ask to review it at the end of week 2. Don't set in stone what you'll do; you might want to do less or more.

The main thing is that you communicate with your employer, and keep them in the loop. As long as you do that, I'm sure they'll be accommodating and will support you, esp with the doctor's cert.

And call HR if you want to. Explain to them that you want to get a guide from them before you speak to your manager. If he queries it, tell him that you wanted to check what would be right for you and what the organisation standards are before coming to him.

All the best.
KiKi

Savvy_Sue

So sorry for your loss. Agree with KiKi, no harm in speaking to HR first just to check whether there are precedents so that you know whether this would be received favourably.

I've had a couple of long phased returns following sickness, so I know this is different, but the idea of suggesting something quite limited to start with and building up, with regular reviews, is definitely the way to go. We found I could build my hours up faster than expected (or was it that I just couldn't get away when I wanted to?) but if I'd not been up to it, we'd have extended the phasing.

And you might want to consider avoiding travelling through the rush hour initially. I know I would!

Be kind to yourself.

ILW

I would go back full time, a busy day at work will help stop you pondering on the bereavement and may be theraputic.

nathan1986

I think that some excellent advice has been given here, so I wont echo what others have said. Just wanted to say sorry for your loss and its important to look after your health and dont rush anything.

Wishing you all the best

Nathan

Savvy_Sue

ILW wrote: »

I would go back full time, a busy day at work will help stop you pondering on the bereavement and may be theraputic.

The OP knows what would work best for them. I was back at work between Dad's death and his funeral (which I was helping to organise) and this surprised some people. But I knew that if I broke down, no-one would mind, and I wouldn't mind either. I continued to break down occasionally for quite a while afterwards, and no-one minded, and neither did I. However, unless the OP is in that kind of environment then trying to do a full day could get tricky.

CatchFazed

So sorry for your loss Becky.

Ask your manager for a return to work interview (they should actually instigate this, but not many managers know how to deal with bereavement) and suggest how you would feel comfortable with a gradual return to work - most organisations will hopefully be understanding. Your manager can then take this to HR and hopefully you can agree something that works for both sides. Then agree a catch up meeting after, say, two weeks to see how you are settling back in and gradually work you back up to full time.

Returning to work full time too early can be damaging to you, and from your employers point of view doesn't do them any favours as you are unlikely to be working to your best potential. Much better to support your gradual return, monitor your progress with your manager and hopefully ease you back into working life.

I hope your manager is understanding and supports you through this tough time.