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Panic_Central

Hi - what do people think about this - am I right to be annoyed or being unreasonable. Sorry about length of post.


Background
My bf & I live in the same house but all our finances are separate. We lived together (sharing a house) before we "got together" IYSWIM so after we had "got together" we kept everything separate. We share rent, utility bills & it's all divided up fairly.

Anyway...we have been invited to a wedding in May. The groom is a friend of mine from a long time back (about 20 years :eek: ) and his fiancee I have known since he's been with her. My bf knows them both (through me) - first met them about 4 years ago. They live along way from us so we don't see much of them but at least twice a year we get together (with a big group of friends). My bf seems to get on with the couple & says he likes them. He has been invited to the stag night.

Last night I wanted to talk about some arrangements. I have already booked accommodation & paid £100 as a deposit. I wanted to talk about travel & spending money - I know May is a long way off but we both have big financial problems & we can't just shell out £100s in one go - we will need to plan ahead & save. Anyway bf got really annoyed & wouldn't talk about it. I asked if there was a problem about it & he said no he just didn't want to talk about it. I said we needed to and that I couldn't make all the arrangements & pay for it all myself. He said (angrily) "why not - he's your friend - I wouldn't be going if it wasn't for you". (Obviously true). I felt really upset about this & don't think it's the right attitude - I can't pay for it all & why should I? Or should I?

Thanks - sorry again it's so long.

PC

Justie

sounds to me like it's less to do with the wedding and more to do with something else. My experience is that if a guy doesn't want to talk about something at that point then leave it and try again a few days later or you get a response like you got. Give him a few days then say you want to talk to him about it when he's got a minute and leave him to arrange the time. Give him some space if you're both worried about money then pressing it right now isn't going to help and more than likely he'll pay his half happily nearer the time.

MonkeySaving?

Panic_Central wrote:

He said (angrily) "why not - he's your friend - I wouldn't be going if it wasn't for you". (Obviously true).

Lol, typical bloke response, i should know I am one. I think you need to talk to him and find out whether he actually wants to go or not. I suspect it's the latter and he's begrudging having to pay half for the priveledge. As Justie said, talk to him again in a few days time and then you might get a better response!

hayleyc_2

I think you're right to be annoyed. Just because they're mainly your friends does not mean you should pay for everything in my opinion. Part of being a couple is that you share things, and friends shouldn't just be divided in to 'yours' and 'mine' in such a strict way.

However, did you ask/tell your boyfriend about the trip before you booked it? As you say you are short of money maybe he resents you allocating his money to something he hasn't agreed to??

Hayley

newcook

was he having an off day?? I know my OH can be snappy sometimes if he has had a !!!!!! day at work...

Panic_Central

Thanks - for a blokes point of view!

The trouble with the bf is that he is likely to go even if he doesn't want to - because I want him too. I know that makes him seem really nice (and he is in many ways!) but actually it's a bit of a responsibility because I never know whether he wants to do something or not - I think he's just doing it for me. I have quite a lot of friends - unfortunately most live quite a way from us so this situation has come up before & no doubt will again. I paid for a whole week away once because "I wanted to go". (He did pay for stuff while we were there but I paid for travel & accom).

Anyway I'll stop moaning now!

Thanks
PC

victory

is he finding the lack of money harder than he is letting on and now with the wedding expenses coming up feels even worse?
If he does not want to go because it makes the finances harder that is understandable.....
Let him have a mull over and then ask him again....

victory

ask him if he would rather save the money than go? That is a direct question and then he can answer yes or no, tell him you want to go but if he doesn't you will understand...

Panic_Central

Thanks Hayley - yes he knew all about it at the same time as me - and I have tried to discuss it before. I once booked a surprise weekend for his birthday & at first he was really stressed about it - he's not a "surprise" type of person LOL. Fortunately he loved the weekend in the end so I didn't feel too bad!!

Panic_Central

victory wrote:

is he finding the lack of money harder than he is letting on and now with the wedding expenses coming up feels even worse?
If he does not want to go because it makes the finances harder that is understandable.....
Let him have a mull over and then ask him again....

Yes victory - I think he probably is finding it much harder than he lets on - mainly because most of the time he doesn't let on at all!! He's very much a "keep it all in" type.

Thanks
PC

Mrs_Optimist

Leave it a couple of days and then raise the subject again. My guess is that he had other things on his mind, had a bad day etc, and didn't want to listen to you going on about money. If the same situation raises itself when you bring it up next time then have it out with him.