Feeling guilty :(

3v3

*Louise* wrote: »

...
Also...how about roleplaying 'school' at home? She could be the teacher and you could be the pupil and making a big deal about how much you like it and how it's great learning to read etc.:rotfl:

... and, as children are the worlds greatest mimic's ... it may give you a valuable insight into how her teacher does indeed "teach" Equally, you (as the role model in your daughter's life) would be able to give her ways of dealing with anything which may not seem quite "right" - depending on her depiction of her teacher

I echo Kay Peel's advice re: not letting on (in any way, shape or form!) how guilty/distressing this is for you: children can be very fickle in their emotions (even heightened emotions ).

The experience of my dd taught me how to deal with my youngest ds. He was also a "clinger".

Actually, it's fair to say that he is the type of personality who likes to suss things out, in his own time, in his own way: when he is sure of what he see's/smells/touches/thinks/knows - there is no stopping him! In nursery class, there was another little boy who was also going through the "cling/cry/sob/ball" scenario. While I would stand outside the classroom for my boy for a whole 10 minutes, this other lad had his father sit outside the class for the WHOLE session!

Now, my lad and this other lad became very good friends (which lasted right up until they went their seperate ways at secondary school age). Both grew to be confident, well adjusted, mentally balanced, naturally inquisitive, self-assured teens.

Actually, since my youngest is now a new "6th former", I can truly say he is a young man who, not only knows his own mind, he is also empathetic of others, weighs up topics, scenario's, friendships, life and problems in a very constructive and critical manner (as does his big Sis!).

I think what I'm saying is this: the "clingers" don't always remain clingers in the grand scheme of things - they evolve! And, in my experience - of the 5 children I have brought up, it is the two who clung the most, who have grown up the most well balanced Now, was that due to my handling of the situations? Is that due to their ability to adapt to situations? A combo? Or, are they purely and simply, personalities which need to "find" their own two feet, despite feeling "seperation" the hardest? Yet, when they do, they flourish? I can't answer those questions (I'm biased )

What I can say is this: you feeling guilty is - NORMAL.
Your child feeling seperation anxiety is - NORMAL
How you choose to deal with that ... can make or break
And you really won't know whether you made the right choices in how you dealt with, until they mature.

1) Don't let your child know your feelings of guilt/anxiety/distress
2) Persevere! Even if it takes the whole academic year - that is still a drop in the ocean in terms of a lifetime
3) Encourage your dd to "mimic" her school experience in a role play game - an ideal opportunity for an "insight"
4) Do your own sticker reward!
5) Yes, you wish to increase your hours, if possible, by the new era of school timetables: but, remember always, childhood passes oh-so-quickly!- but you have the rest of your life to put your nose to the grindstone! You'll never get those childhood years back!
6) Feeling guilty and being a parent - are two sides of the very same coin! If you think it is bad at "this" age ... boy, wait until they are older :rotfl:
7) Take each day as it comes! Parenting is a day by day basis and cannot be run at a sprint Just so long as you keep the long term view in your sights.
8) Bless ya! This will be the very least of your worries in 10yrs time

You're doing a great job; remember that

littlemissbossy

I'm sorry I can't help as I have no kids but I really feel for you. It must very hard to see your little one upset.

Bit off topic I know, my 5 year old niece started her year 1 on Tuesday, I asked my brother how she'd got on, he said she was bouncing around faster than the duracel bunny when he got home from work, that made me laugh.

jellyhead

My son has had a culture shock going from year 1 to year 2. He's the youngest in his class and he is very babyish, bless him. The transition from reception to year 1 wasn't so difficult because he was going from a grumpy older lady who made him nervous to a young and very expressive male teacher who boosts children's confidence. His year 1 teacher is adored by everyone, and it's taking him a bit of time to adjust to his new teacher who is not as expressive. She's perfectly nice, but he was just so fond of the old teacher, and there were so many stories and cartoons in year 1 ...

I've tried to be very positive about it by telling him about all the really interesting stuff he will learn in year 2, especially in history lessons, and that even though there's loads of writing to do and he struggles I am very proud of him for doing his best. I took him to London so he'd know about Pudding Lane and would be enthusiastic about history rather than worried about the amount of writing.

If they don't get stickers they might be getting team points, so you could ask her about that and make a big deal out of how proud you are. Do they do show and tell? Maybe she could take a favourite toy in?

Don't feel guilty. I'm sure she's not upset all the time, it's just adjusting to everything being new and different. New cloakroom and toilets, different playground etc. and a teacher she's not sure of yet. You have nothing to feel guilty for. There are lots of positive things about school, and I am sure that both of my children are getting a lot out of school, but if they are upset I do feel like gathering them up and keeping them at home, lol

3v3

jellyhead wrote: »

.... but if they are upset I do feel like gathering them up and keeping them at home, lol

Yuppers! BTDT :o:o :rotfl:But, despite what I "feel" ... I make them endure!!! :rotfl:

Emmarillo

I feel for you.
A couple of things to consider are your daughter is probably still very tired from the holidays/new start of term - I know mine are and they're much older than yours. I think children can be a bit more sensitive when they're tired. Secondly the new teacher might be being a bit stand offish/ strict to establish boundaries but will ease up a bit in a few weeks (I'm not saying it's the right way to be, but a possibility). My daughter thought her teacher last year was very strict in the beginning, but adored her by Christmas and was devastated to leave her in July!

Its a shame that the teacher doesn't give out stickers. They don't cost much but give children a real boost. I agree with what everyone else has said about doing your own sticker chart with a prize when she gets 5 in a row or whatever.

Take care, I know how it feels when you're worrying about your child at school. My eldest had friendship troubles in year 5 and I didn't sleep for weeks, felt physical pain and still feel over anxious for her, although she's perfectly ok.

loracan1

I feel for you too, it's really tough taking them to school when they're clinging to you and making themselves ill. My youngest went through a couple of phases of it, I knew there wasn't any rhyme or reason to it because the teacher was one of the loveliest people you can imagine and he was doing okay in his lessons and had friends, it was just one of those things. Is there anyone else that can take her to school a few times to see if this makes a difference?

adamantine

oh gosh i can so relate! my DS who is 5 just started primary 1 here in scotland 3 weeks ago and this is the first week i have not had screaming and crying and him being pryed off me by the teachers!

what worked for me was a reward chart! he get one sticker in the morning if he goes in good and one if he behaves at lunchtime ( he was crying at lunch saying he wanted to go home bless!) and got upset getting changed for gym so he gets a sticker on gym day for getting changed and he gets a special sticker off his speach therapist and i give him one that day too and when he gets at least 1 sticker every day he gets to go to the park on a friday on our way home from school or if its raining he gets to play the wii.

also last week he got to get a new packet of stickers for his sticker album (cars 2 lol) as well as his sticker chart. worked amazingly well! i didnt have time to sort out a new sticker chart on monday and when i said to him i would have it ready for after school on tuesday he said "its ok mummy i dont need it" and now i dont even have to remind him that he needs to be good in the morning and at lunch he just asks how many more days till he gets to play at the park!

maybe try something like this with a reward for her when she is good for so many days. start with something special she can do as soon as she gets home and as soon as you pick her up tell her how proud you are of her going in with no fuss like a big girl blah blah blah and reinforce it.

its so hard seeing your child upset. i also had to remind him every 5 mins or so after he woke up so that it stayed fresh in his mind and he was focused on the "goal" and was determined to get his stickers he didnt have time to think about missing me and his little bother.

Nara

Thank you all for your advice, I'm afraid this morning didn't go well and I made a right mess of it as I started crying too

Normally I'm not like that but for some reason it really got to me today. She was very clingy again, I tried to walk away telling her I needed ot get to work as I would be late and she ran after me! I'm sure she would have followed me out of the school so I had to turn around and take her back.
Then she saw a friend wheeling in the PE bags and started crying saying she didn't want to do PE! then she got more and more upset and in the end so did I and I just felt like picking her up and running out of there, and I may have done if I hadn't have had to go to work!
What a mess!

After about 10 mins of this the teacher decided to get up and come out to take her off me.
I'm not sure what else to do? I did tell her that if she was good and went into class without fuss then I would get her a little something but it didn't work lol

When she came out of school, she rushed over and started crying again!

She was never this bad in reception year! sure a bit clingy now and then esp at the beginning but she never cried.

I asked her what she hated about school now and she said , the teacher, the classroom, everything!
My boyfriend asked her what she liked about school and she said nothing Now she is happy because its the weekend -.-

I really hope she settles in a bit, a letter came home today saying the kids aren't to take toys into school, which put a downer on my idea of letting her take a little toy in next week to help comfort as it may help.

She does get over tired because she refuses to sleep until her daddy gets home from work as she missed him and sometimes he works late so she doesn't get to sleep until 8ish an hour after bedtime!

I feel bad i guess as shes an only child and does spend all her time with me, but when she goes to play at her friends houses or to a party shes fine to stay on her own so i guess its just school and she seems to have taken a massive dislike to this change

I like the sticker idea, i think i will try this next week!

chocolate.buttons

Definitely think that the sticker idea is a good one to try!! Another thing to do would be to find out from the teacher something that they will be doing the next day (e.g painting), and talk about this with your daughter in the evening. You can talk about what she might like to paint, colours that she might choose, etc...any kind of chat to make her more comfortable with the idea of being in school, and then she has something positive to think about in the morning when she might be feeling unsure and beginning to get upset. You could set her a special job to do for you - pick the thing that she has enjoyed the most about being at school that day - an activity they did, a story she found, a friend she played with, something you put in her lunchbox even! Anything to keep her mind focused on the positives.
Is there a friend that she knows in her class that you could meet at the gate? Then it is less about leaving you, and more about being with her friend. Not sure what her school is like about bringing work home, but you could ask the teacher if they would let you look at/have a photocopy of something your daughter has done that day. Then you can talk about it at home, how good it is, how hard she must have worked, how proud you are, etc. And as she goes in, she can be reminded of that and think about what kind of good work she might be doing today to bring home and show you.
I hope you can find a way to make your daughter feel a bit happier about school soon. Best wishes.

heretolearn_2

If it makes you feel any better, I was that limpet kid!

I can remember clinging on to the big buttons on my mum's coat and it taking two teachers to detatch me and drag me into the school.

There wasn't any real reason, i too was just a bit scared of the situation and the teacher (who was strict but very nice really) and I was just a bit of a baby to be honest.

I got over it after a few weeks and settled down, and didn't have any terrible lasting trauma or anything:T